Okay, I think I'm ready to really place the focus back on my marriage but I know I'm going to need help. I've been reading this site for over a year off. Haven't posted except once to admit I was having an affair. Just didn't get the guidance I felt I needed.
We've been married for 7 years. We were living together as husband and wife for 4 years prior. We have a teenage son from my prior relationship. H has accepted as own. H is 18 years my senior.
I started having an affair over a year ago. OM is a co-worker and is also married. H knows about affair. Ending the affair and trying to rebuild marriage. I know this is going to be an uphill battle.
I moved out of our home 6 months ago. Officially moving back at the end of the month (gave up my apartment) but have been staying at home for over a month. I've purchased and read DB. Actually, I've purchased three copies; gave first copy to OM, second to a couple that is divorcing, and am reading, again, the last.
Things can be good with H. H is a good man. I've also read Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs". H and I have always joked about our roles being reversed. After reading the needs of a male verses a female, I admit I have place more emphasis on the companionship, attractiveness, and sexual than the typical female needs.
I'll admit I've probably hit bottom a couple of times with the affair. I know I'll always love OM. I'll need help in not straying to him. It is so easy for me to love him and so difficult for me to love my H. They say that affairs are from a lack of respect. I believe that is a big part of my problem, I do not respect my H.
H and I have an appointment with counselor next week. I need another to tell H and me whether our marriage is repairable. H thinks is it but I'm not so sure. I believe that it isn't fair for me to hold on to him if I'm not in love with him. I know it is all about choices but some things just are and you cannot change them no matter what your choice is.
I've been trying to analyze the cause of my affair. I believe the primary cause was that my emotional need for companionship was not being met. H took a new job Mar 99 so we no longer worked together. I became full time student Aug 99 and maintained full time employment. Affair started Sep 99. We slowly drifted apart. As I stated early, I have maintained more of the male traits. Up until I started school, I would go horseback riding 5 days a week. This was my release and H understood that I needed it. We always joked that H placed horse over H but it is really true. We assumed that my going to school would not be any different since he and our son was use to my not being around. They did adjust, I didn't. I needed the physical release still and I needed to companionship of the commute that H and I previously had.
As H has told me, out of anger of course, I am high maintenance. I needed to feel special and since H couldn't be around because he needed to take care of our obligations (work, son, home) I became vulnerable. Although OM is married with three children, his W was able to take care of their obligations and he readily made time for me. He made me feel special. I had been attracted to OM for years and H knew it when we worked together. It was easy to not act on my impulses with H here and when H was fulfilling my needs but once the fulfillment ceased I became angry and searched elsewhere. H and OM are opposites and OM is very much like I am. It was easy to fall in love with OM.
H and I are now trying to do things together more. I'm trying to bring him back into my life. I know I'm the bad guy but he is the one who needs to change for this to work. I cannot change to accept what makes him happy because that will leave me unfulfilled.
Now that I've started understanding how this began, I need to figure out where to go from here. This posting is established as a foundation to recovery. I'm still not sure which way OR will go but I am hoping that this forum will help keep my focus on staying together.
Glad you are posting instead of just reading. I'm sorry you didn't get the help you needed the first time.
One thing jumped out from your post. You said, "As H has told me, out of anger of course, I am high maintenance. I needed to feel special and since H couldn't be around because he needed to take care of our obligations (work, son, home) I became vulnerable."
But earlier in your post, you said that you work full time, are a fulltime student and ride your horse 5 days a week. (I understand that the affair started shortly after you started school, so you were not as busy in the months leading up to the affair.) It sounds to me like you must have been every bit as busy as your H. Do you think this is the symptom of your problem (H wasn't there for you as a companion, so you filled your life with other things) or the cause (you were so busy with work, school, horseback riding and H was so busy with work, house, son that there was no time for togetherness)?
One other thing that pops out of your post. YOu said: "Although OM is married with three children, his W was able to take care of their obligations and he readily made time for me." So the OW's wife took care of his kids and home life. Sounds like your H was taking care of your son and home. This is curious to me. Could part of the problem be a dispute about who does what jobs in the household? Does it have to be one or the other of you doing these jobs or could you do some of them together? E.g. doing stuff with you son, doing maintainance work around the house together?
It sounds to me like maybe you and your H have not found things that you BOTH enjoy doing TOGETHER. Do you think you could come up with a list of a few things that would fit the bill?
Franny
[This message has been edited by Franny (edited 09-18-2000).]
[This message has been edited by Franny (edited 09-18-2000).]
When I started school full time, I gave up the time I spent with my horse. Prior to going back to school I would come home, change to ranch closes, and leave until after dark. H would fix dinner and stay with son. I consider myself an active person. Neither H nor son are active. With son, I've pushed him into sports and activities. Although he does them he would rather not so he doesn't put a lot of effort into so he doesn't succeed. With H, I've tried to get him to do things with me (softball, riding, weight training, running). He will do things for a while but then makes excuses to quit. Now I have no trust in H that he will change in this regard. He tells me I need to accept him the way he is. This leads to my desire for an attractive spouse. H is not obese but is overweight.
With giving up my horse time I gave up a big physical release. I started putting more into my weight training and running to relieve my tension. I became more sexually appealing and started dressing as so. This bothered H but by that time the affair was already starting and I was shutting him out.
I would take care of the domestic needs in the house. H had to cook on days that I left. Even then I would sometimes put the meal in the oven and set the timer so all that he would have to do was pull it out and serve. On the weekends he would help me clean the house but it was primarily my responsibility. I would do the shopping and paid the bills. We would do the yard work together but again with my lead. Since there isn't much of a yard in our condo, we would also help friends with their projects [at my instigating]. While I was living out of the house I would come over and still clean it.
We do a lot of things together [as a family]. It is a matter of giving and taking rather than enjoying though. H and son enjoys movies, dining, museums, etc. but I enjoy active things. It is family tradition that we go out to dinner on Fridays and either rent or go to a movie. I'll admit I probably to more taking than giving. Since early on in our relationship I declined to do the things he wanted, he quit asking. Now I am the one who leads in what we do primarily. I'll ask him what he wants to do but usually he doesn't have any desires [or at least he doesn't express them] so we do what I want. If there is nothing going on, I'd go to my horse and the boys would stay home.
We have talked about the fact that I need to be active. He agrees that he is more inclined to be lazy but that I am his motivation. I'll admit this is tiring at times as my lack of trust shows. With us trying to reconcile, I'm concern about being active. School has started back up and I need to prepare for a physical test for the military which requires me to work out but I'm a little intimidated because of the ramifications.
I'm sorry Jane, But this seeming need for a younger more atrractive mate really raises red flags. Where will you be when your 60 say? Still searching for that young man that makes you look good and feel good? Or would you rather have someone that excepted your flaws and you and wanted to take care of you when your an old lady? I see that as a problem with my W. We all want to live the here and now. Get waht you can while you can get it. Everyone seems to forget that time wins in the end. Its the people you have left at the end, the people who stuck with you no matter what you did. Those are the people that you thank when they bring you soup and your not feeling well. Think of your life and where you want to be. My W's having an affair right now and I am neither old, out of shape or ugly. I was a very difficult person for awhile but I have changed and my W still means a great deal to me. often I have to stand outside of myself and look at the big picture with kids and stuff. People change all the time. Don't short change yourself or anybody else.. Good luck..Rondo
Welcome to the board as a poster.You are demonstrating maturity and responsiblity by returning to your H and son.They certainly deserve it and you do,too!
Posting on this board and reading the books you mentioned are a great start in healing your marriage.You will get much wise advice from your friends on this board. Take heed!
However,PJ,I recommend psychotherapy, w a solution based therapist,to help you move ahead in a positive direction.I suspect you are depressed as the need for "hyper stimulation" is often a symptom of depression and tied in to MlC issues,as well.I invite you to read Peter Kramer's book "Should You Leave" which addresses this in a capitivating manner.
You mention that your son is from a "previous relationship".Is there a pattern in your behavior?What you have been doing is self destructive and self defeating.Has it happened before?
PJ,there are many high energy/high maintenance women who fill their needs in positive ways.Build your self esteem through self development,not a sexual realtionship with a married man.
I suggest that you read Michele's responses to Joanne,on this forum for an example of how to identify and express your needs in a productive way and enhance your relationship with your H.(who is,BTW, quite a loving and forgiving man under the circumstances).
I look forward to reading your posts!
Reaching out to you in friendship and support....Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 09-18-2000).]
Jane: First let me start off by saying that I'm glad you came here with the goal of finding a way to repair your marriage. I also want to say it took a lot of guts to tell the truth and expose yourself. I think that there are a lot of issues, one of which is you are blaming your H and his need to change only, when you obviously need to do some changing yourself. You have kept yourself busy and did what you wanted the whole relationship, but didn;t factor in the effort of your H to allow you to do such a thing. He has taken care of your S, which from the sound of it came from another broken relationship, gave you time and space and was caring. If you could try and put 1/2 as much energy into working on yourself and your relationship with H as you do in having fun and cheating, then you can have a great chance. You are good at making excuses as to the why it's not your fault for cheating, for being gone, for anything, but you need to take some responsibility. It seems you are on the edge and need a push to get inside and start to do the right thing. Reading your story made me happy to hear you came to the right place to learn how to piece things back. However, it also angered me a great deal to see you ripping apart your marriage, your sons life again, and the way you are helping break apart another innocent family. It's really easy to see all the good in OM when all you have to deal with is the sex and fun times. Don't confuse Lust for Love. You are in Lust and think you are in Love. Being in Lust does not justify your actions. Sorry for speaking from the heart, I don;t know if you wanted the honesty, but you got it anyway.
I did not search for a younger more attractive man. OM is only 4 years younger than H, which makes him 14 years older than I. OM is active! Yes, I am more physically attracted to OM than H but that is nothing new. I have always been a big flirt. It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. For 10 years I ate at home except for a one night stand that H is aware of in '94. (Note H admits to the same in '93.)
I gather that you agree with H in that I am shallow. May I suggest Dr. Harley's book? Each of us has different needs. Why is it acceptable for a man to complain that his W put on weight after being married but if a woman complains that she wants a firmer man she is shallow?
Although this is not related to Rondo's response I should also point out that H is an affair from my first marriage. What goes around comes around I guess. We both have skeletons in our closets. This is H's third marriage and my second. H states that he wants to save our marriage but yet I'm the one reading the books, making the appointments, and having to decide if I can go back knowing what to expect. When H asked me to come home I told him yes but it would be for all the wrong reasons. I'm still not sure if I've changed my mind.
Wow Jane, I love your honesty. But how honest are you being. I too was a huge flirt. When I got married at 27 I stopped. Flirting invites too many things that can complicate life. Flirting to me is for single people even thougn I have done it when I look back now I wish I had not. I can't judge anyone and i won't. I don't judge my W. I let her know I'm here and its ok because I do understand where she is now. I guess Jane, If you can take 5 min to stand outside of yourself and look at the person you are, weather you would like her as she is or see room for improvement? I saw my flaws big time. Still do. Trying to work on myself but it is hard to change ingrained behaviors. I hope for your sake you can find peace within. Rondo
I am well aware that my H is a loving and forgiving, thank you for noticing. There have been numerous times that I felt I did not deserve him.
Jenny stated to develop my self esteem. My being active is a part of my self esteem but yet others criticize me for being so active. I have been there for H. I try to satisfy his needs. I believe the ones I do not satisfy completely are the communication and affection. Up until the affair we did not talk about OR or our feelings but we could always talk about anything else. I am trying to change this but it is difficult. It is difficult to be honest with H. I never feel like I live up to his standards. As for the affection, I'm sorry but that is related to the attractive need that I have. I am trying to be more affectionate to him. Please don't get me wrong we do have an active sex life. H had accepted that I am not one for closeness, holding hands, or kissing.
Thanks for the input. I would like to consider myself open for all opinions. I might get defensive but that is a natural impulse. I am not trying to justify the affair, my actions or lack of actions. I am trying to analysis whether or not to continue with my marriage or let H find a W that will love him just the way he is. Funny how I say that I'm not satisfied with the way he is yet I believe I contributed to who he is through our interactions.
Each of us has room for improvements. I know I have faults and yes I would like to change them. Rondo is accurate in his comment that it is difficult to change ingrained behavior. My problem is that I fear the results too. What if I change and H or I don't like it? What if H changes? The unknown is frightening.
If you've read Dr. Harley, I hope you have seen his advice about affairs. He treats them as addictions--an addiction developed to the good feelings your other person gives you that your spouse did not give you.
His first plan of action is that you get the other person out of your life, pronto, once and for all. No calls, no emails, no letters, no dropping by just to say hello, NOTHING. Cold turkey. That's the only way.
The second step is that your H will have to start meeting your needs in a meaningful way. That's HIS job. But you must communicate your needs to him clearly and help him find ways to accommodate you. You'll also have to ask his forgiveness for the affair, regain his trust, and be patient while he works through his whirling feelings.
You've said that you are a flirt. Ok, you are honest. Some people are made in such a way that no matter WHAT they are getting at home, they simply enjoy the company of the opposite sex. Again, Harley says you must be aware of this tendency in yourself and NOT GIVE INTO IT. He says no rides, lunches, chats, with other men, no way. Don't give yourself the oppportunity!!!!! He also says that if someone tells you they are attracted to you or makes overtures, that you should immediately begin talking about how much you love your husband.
You sound as if you want your marriage to work. But you'll have to curb that tendency to look around. You'll have to have the old-fashioned term called "willpower". Or "character" if you will.
You'll also have to give your H a chance to recover and a chance to meet your needs. And if he can't meet them all perfectly, cut him some slack--you are responsible for your own happiness, you know. Let your H know, lovingly, what you need. If he loves you and if you help him recover from the affair, he will do his best to meet your needs. When he fails, give him the benefit of the doubt and look at the other things he does for you.
You better really decide you want this marriage and not look back. You have powerful pulls in other directions that are working against you. The fact is, you made a vow. It's your responsibility to live up to it and hope your H fills his end of the bargain. If he's not, keep working with--not ON--him. And ask yourself honestly if you aren't looking for excuses to bail out.
I'm not judging you. One of my close friends had an affair for much the same reasons you cite. I understand what drove her, but I still think what she did was wrong--her H was destroyed. She needed to get her needs met in the marriage, but she also had to look to herself and declare that walking out is copping out and fooling around is wrong.
