John, maybe its time to get assertive and put the house up for sale, assuming that would be a better option for you in the event of a D than risking her living in it and jeopardizing your share of it as well as custody of D7. You may not end up selling it in the end for various reasons, not the least of which is the housing market is down. Otherwise you could be enabling her nonsense.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
At the risk of pissing off all the folks who have told me to stay put.....I am planning to leave at the end of the month (how is that for assertiveness). It is not that I don't love my wife, I do. I just feel something needs to be done. She needs to snap out of it and if not, I need to move on. I'll try not to eat too many meals by myself Phil. The house is up for sale, she is looking at mortgages to see if she can buy me out, I have been there for her for the last 5 - 6 months. I have made life very easy for her and although things seem to be heading in the right direction, she has made it clear that she wants her independance. I am starting to feel slighty used and taken for granted. Like I said the house is up for sale, we will see a lawyer for mediation and I will give her custody of D7 until the end of the school year. This will give her 3 -4 months to see how it goes. I am guessing that she will not be able to do it. We will rediscuss custody during the summer. I personally think that she is an accident waiting to happen (hope I am wrong).
Words of caution: don't leave the house up for sale with her living in it; you may end up loosing the house. Same is true with D7. Also lawyers are typically litigators not mediators and they charge a lot more.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
You must do what you feel is best. However heed fb2's advise...
Quote:
I will give her custody of D7 until the end of the school year
this is a bit vague. Give custody...I couldn't do that. Does this mean you see 7D whenever you want? Is there a structure to a schedule? Or are you going to see 7D? I think you should be very careful.
Quote:
This will give her 3 -4 months to see how it goes.
It also gives you 3-4 months and it will show what's important to you in a courtroom at the very worst. I'd want a structure to my schedule with 7d and whatever you do document times with 7d, things you do, just document everything...just in case. I'd make sure I got the everything I would accept with child visitation now because after a 3-4 month trial run that might be all a judge gives you especially if you drop the ball.
The seperation could do both of you good to have a timeout to reflect on your M. However, please proceed with caution on making sure you a$$ is covered legally by moving out. See a L first to get some advise for yourself on the financial impact of leaving the house and on the custody issue. I feel nervous with your statement "I am guessing that she will not be able to do it". What if she can do it - wont that set a precedence.
In our case, we came up with a 50/50 parenting plan we both agreed to before discussing any financials. Ours is what is called a 5/5/2/2 plan as that is how many days in a row each of us get during a cycle . I always have Mon/Tue, W always has Wed/Thu and we alternate on Fri/Sat/Sun.
As for the mediator, my W and I started with seperate L's and I talked her into seeing a mediator that once practiced as an L in family law. It turns out that this mediator could do all the D paperwork for us. We both were happy with the meditor as she spelled out what was fair to both of us.
On the good news front, we have both decided to cancel the next mediator appointment (where we presented our budgets) because W is contemplating the possibility of saving our M. She says she misses me and our family life. So getting seperated is not necessarily the end - it could be just the time your W needs to turn her mind around. Maybe her having full custody might cause her to not have time for herself and wish for the family she once had back.
Hi, John. Sorry I have not been on the boards in a while. I just came by to check on you. Seems as if things have taken a turn for the worst for you and your family. I really do not know what to say except that I am praying for you and know your pain. I have been in your shoes - in many ways still am.
I think Phil is out of pocket or you would have certainly heard from him by now.
Have you talked to a DB coach? They are kind of costly, but very good. Maybe that would help.
Your wife is terribly confused. I don't think she knows what she wants. I know this doesn't help you at all. She sounds very like my first husband. It wasn't until he knew that he lost me that he decided he wanted me. I have given you this advice before, I think, but when you move out, if you move out, start doing something different - go to school - take a course - learn something. Be happy and let her see someone she really would like to be with. Don't give up on your marriage if you do move out. It really sounds as if she still loves you.
You guys are right on so many points. I don't know if me moving out makes a difference in the eyes of the law (yes I will talk to a lawyer) for the house and custody. It will all be temporary until we iron things out with the mediator who is also a lawyer. He will also put toether the D papers.....all in due time and then we will have a working agreement (or separation agreement). Things have not neccesarilly taken a turn for the worst but I feel I need to do this. This has been going on for a few months and my W wants her independance. Well it's time for her to get it. I plan to be very friendly and help in any way I can. I will move about 45 minutes away....just far enough to not be immediatelly available. I need to accept what is going on and accept my W's decision. Again you guys are right. I need to continue to work on myself and be as pleasant as possible when I have the opportunity of being with my W. Obviously I will see her less, however, when i do see her, i will have to be on my best behaviour. Will this turn things around for us...only God knows. In the words of my W, if it is meant to be, we will get back together...... Thank you all for your support. By the way, strangely enough, there is not as much pain as there used to be. Maybe it will intensify or maybe I am lovingly detaching or maybe I think my W will come running back to me once I leave (yeah right).
W came home last night on cloud 9. She got her mortgage. Problem is I will be 25K short. She wants to pay me when she sells the house or at a date to be determined. Knowing my W and her ability to manage money, she will struggle with the payments and I can kiss that 25K goodbye unless I am ready to go to court to get it. Anyhow since I was boiling inside, I left the kitchen table and went downstairs to watch the hockey game. She called me to ask what I was doing and I told her that the discussion we were having is extremely difficult for me. She said I am asking you for a favour (-25K) because I will have D& and will not ask you for any money??????? I answered that would be more than happy to take D7. Honestly, I do not see how she will be able to take care of D7 nor how she will handle the payments. Part of me says try to squeeze an extra 10 or 15K and get the hell out of dodge...she is a big girl...whatever happens after is not my problem unless it affects D7. This morning we all woke up late and D7 asked me for a ride to school....she also said that she has the best dad in the world. W heard all this becasue she was in the room and agreed. She then came to join me on the bed for a serious long hug and said D7 is right you are the best. I am so paranoid that I have the feeling she did this because she wants me to accept her offer....what a bad feeling that is.
I got nothing. "Each man's death (divorce) diminishes me." Those are the words that come to mind right now. Sorry. There is still time for a turn around. Maybe when she is without you, she will realize how much she loves/wants/needs you. Take care of yourself.
Thanks LadyDi....I honestly believe that living apart is the only shot our M has.
I will propose that she live in the house for the next three months (contacted a lawyer and it is ok.). She makes all the payments and we begin mediation (with a lawyer) to come to a legal agreement.
This will give her a test run on what she is up against. D7 will not be disrupted during school (at least she won't be moving). We will hopefully get a few offers on the house. We will decide together whether we accept the offers. Most importantly she will definately know by then what she wants to do. I will DB my ass off from a distance and GAL and all that fun stuff. This is by far the best way to go but of course knowing my W, she will up her offer so that the -25K is - 10 or 15k.
