My H and I went to counseling last night and our counselor kept having to remind us (me especially) to stay in "the now"!! I keep going on the past because my husband doesn't seem to be changing much. She said I can't keep hoping he'll change. She's right but I can't do much for myself right now because I have two young children. He's a firefighter and he's at work a lot.
If I were to "do things for myself", who would do for the kids? He sure as h*ll isn't home a lot!
What can I do to let go of the past? Of the guilt? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me unload.
Hi AKF- You can do for you and your children at the same time in many instances. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but mine were just two and almost one when my "nightmare" started. I've learned to take them places and do things with them that before would have seemed undoable or just simply overwhelming. For example, if you like the outdoors and your kids are small, pack the youngest in a backpack carrier and let the older one walk with you at the park, zoo, or aquarium. Outdoor fairs are also good candidates. Tap into family members or identified decent sitters and treat yourself to a night out to do whatever you want to do--the bookstore, a movie, a massage, a haircut, shopping... It's amazing what you can find yourself doing when you adjust the frame of mind and view it all as something that you can have happen with a little bit of planning.
Being good to yourself can come in a culmination of a lot of little things or a couple of bigger things. Think first of what you'd like to do and then of the list of avenues that can possibly make it happen. Then narrow down that list and start doing one by one. The satisfaction will be almost immediate and you'll learn to fall into a pattern of doing nice little things for you that don't necessarily exclude the children in every instance. Many of the most pleasurable things are free too, including a fun visit to a local library that has a good children's section and parent materials to look at while the kids amuse themselves. Put on the old thinking cap and be creative--the benefits are worth the effort and time. Best of luck--Jamie
[This message has been edited by jamie (edited 09-01-2000).]
akf.....baggage is a tough one....meditation helps me.....when I can get intouch with what is mine I can own it...and be less critical of the other person involved...then I can focus on changing me and not so much worry about changing her....trusting that by my changing I will see things differently...and not so much need to be right or wrong or find fault or judgement..I realize I can only change me and as I do begin to change and feel better about myself I see how I can relate better to the relationship...obviously this is not a certainty we will get back together...hopefully though the improvement I put into myself will make me better able to deal with what is rather than what might be. If someone would have told me a month ago I would be going to the gym...I would have said you are crazy....for some reason I was always terrified of going to a place like that ..self conscious because I don't know nothing about any of it....so that was a big step just showing up to try something new to improve myself.. Keep the faith and hang in there akf.. Joe
Jamie - thank you so much for the excellent ideas. I will work on that. It just seems that after working all day, I'm exhausted so much of the time. Mentally and physically. I know I probably just need to get myself going. Thanks for the tips.
Joe, thank you for the good advice. I know you are right and it really helps that you understand. Thanks for being there.
