Moving on from WAS

[mako]

Haven't been on the site in a while so figured I'd start a new thread...also coming over to this forum as I am certainly separated. There's been nothing earth shattering in the sitch, but minor improvements, and good improvements for me. Journaling here was always helpful so I want to start that again.

Basic summary:

• 10/07 - W says she's been unhappy forever and is dead inside, needs to leave me. I am a wreck for some time. She stays in the separate bedroom a few weeks, mostly just cold interaction and a few R talks that don't go well.
• 11/07 - W moves out. This is the last time I've seen her.
  
• 1/08 - W moves to a different state. I am also moving there in a few months, separately from her of course...I have already determined this is the best move for me and is not at all based on hope of reconciliation. W often talks about how we'll be friends later after I move, she'll help take care of the dog when I'm gone, stuff like that, which is odd to me. At the same time, she is incredibly cold and distant and even says things like I shouldn't live too close to her.

From 11/07 till last week we've had little contact. Phone calls and emails here and there, mostly just short and all business, dividing assets and such, W is looking to get a D in March, as soon as it's allowed under the law. As I said, W has been very distant, and has even pushed away several of her good friends that were mutual friends, cause they are too close to me or something like that. This includes her former best friend, who I am very close to also.

Through this whole time I've been working on myself immensely...I've detached a ton and am just living my life without worrying too much about W. At the same time I still love her, but I am accepting of the sitch and would like her to find happiness even if it is without me. If that's the path she must take then I have to let her find her way.

More importantly, figuring out lots of things in therapy about myself and my issues, which I've been working on. Actually this has been earth shattering, as I can see the quality of my life greatly improving in the future due to this. I have a good understanding of why this all happened and how I contributed to W's unhappiness, and am prepared to address those things so they won't happen again, whether ultimately with W or someone else. So good for me!

Two weeks ago I sent W a long email detailing the things I've learned in therapy. These things had a major impact on our M and led to most of the major issues that W had with me. This may or may not be in line with Dbing, but I wanted her to know cause it greatly affected her life, and also wanted her to know that I know how I contributed to this. W responded saying basically "thanks" and didn't address anything in the email. This was fine, I had no expectations.

Things took a bit of a turn this week for the better with W. Not reading much into it at this point. More later...

[mako]

Hello to all in DB land.

On Wednesday, W called me. This was very odd, as she's hardly called me at all, and wouldn't even give me her new # for a long time.

W was kinda breaking down as I answered. She was basically having a crisis with one of her best friends, who is also a good friend of mine. Their relationship has deteriorated, and W was really upset about it and didn't know what to do.

So we talked for over an hour, and she really opened up to me for the first time in a long time. A bunch about the friend, but also a bunch about us. It wasn't heated at all, I was very calm and she didn't seem to get mad at all either...did good validating her feelings, but also disagreed with her a bunch of times when she was trying to tell me my own thoughts--she just had me pegged wrong on a number of things. Both of us expressed a lot of our feelings about things that had happened and what we've gone through since she left. I have the impression that, while she's the one who left, I am dealing with all of this better than she is; but I've had therapy and the DB site on my side, and she refused to go to therapy (she's thinking of starting now). Anyway, it was a very good talk, the best we've had since she left certainly, and really even since a long time before that. We may have gone on longer but my cell phone died and I didn't have my charger.

Later, she sent a short email that it was a good talk, thanks...I replied basically that I agree, it was nice to express and listen to real feelings with her as that was kind of our downfall, and I'd like to have more open communication in the future so we can have a better friendship (again, she's stressed many times that she wants to be friends, sometime later).

So:

• She opened up to me for the first time in months.
• She called me about something important in her life. Granted, I know her friend better than anyone else she knows, but she came to me when she had a crisis.
• We talked about feelings and emotions, something we didn't do a lot of in the M and something she complained of in the bomb talk.
• It was not hard or heated or angry or awkward, at least that I could tell.
• She is happy about some things (her new job, new apartment) but she's not that happy overall, is crying a few times a week, says things are still rough dealing with this.

I don't know what to make of this, but I will take it. I really would like to be her friend even if we never get back together, at least that's how I feel now. This was a good step.

[mako]

Thursday W emailed me. Just a short note, but it was odd to me. All she did was tell me about a movie she went to see, a documentary about my favorite musician. W never expressed any interest in him whatsoever during our R, despite knowing my borderline obsession with his music. We had a small back and forth about the movie, and that was that.

This is of course an incredibly minor thing...but she has shared so little of her life with me in the past few months--and nothing about day to day activities that she's doing--that it must be some sort of positive. And I think it's curious that she did something that she seemingly had no interest in but she knows I'd have a great interest in...again, not making much of it, but maybe it's a tiny step.

[minkerman]

Mako, these steps are not minor at all. Given your interactions since October, these are huge steps for her to be taking. And it is her that is doing it. She may have started on the road back...

[mako]

Thanks Minkerman, I agree these are encouraging signs, but I'm staying cautious, no need to get hopes too high just yet. But the latest news is also encouraging.

--

This weekend completes the trifecta of unexpected interaction with W.

W called me. The whole call was only about 3 minutes, but she said a lot that was really unexpected. Basically, she apologized for her treatment of me. I'll paraphrase her words:

I'm sorry that I was so cold and business like all the time the past few months. That was how I felt I had to deal with things to survive, but I'm coming out of that now...I know it was very hard for you. I can't take it back, but I'm sorry cause I know it hurt you and it wasn't right.

I'm not going to be afraid to call you anymore, and you don't have to be afraid to call me.
Me: Yeah, a lot of times I had felt that I can't contact you...
Her: You don't have to feel that way anymore, you can call me...

I'm sorry I was such a b!tch last summer [a couple times when we traveled in July and August pre-bomb, I was trying real hard to improve the M. She basically threw my efforts in my face and focused on any perceived negatives, making me feel like crap]. I was such a wreck at that point...again I know I can't take it back, but I'm sorry cause I know I was hurtful.

--
I didn't say much cause I was just blown away...actual remorse, and it sounded heartfelt! I just kinda thanked her and said I appreciated it. I know this must have been very hard for her to do, at first she sounded like she was breaking up a little, but she forced herself to deal with something difficult instead of avoiding her problems. I'm a little proud of her for these baby steps.

So again, I am quite happy that she felt comfortable enough to actually open up to me a little by apologizing for some of her actions, and also to actually talk to me because it would have been a lot easier for her to just email these sentiments.

Also, I guess now I have the green light to contact her if I choose. This is really kind of difficult for me since I had become pretty comfortable being dark (by necessity, as she wanted nothing to do with me besides business). I expect I will ease into it, maybe just a call here and there to see how she's doing.

[mako]

Tonight I emailed W about some bills, just business stuff. I also said that I really appreciated her phone call, and that I too had some things to say. But I need to think those things over a little more though and will tell her when the time is right.

Basically, I want to tell her I forgive her. She has said she is sorry for how she has treated me, and I forgive her for that, so I want to tell her so.

I also want to tell her I forgive her for leaving me. I understand why she had to do this; I wish it could have happened differently, but I forgive her. She has never apologized for that though, she probably isn't sorry because she feels that's what she had to do, so I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do. I'll have to think about that some more.

I also may want to apologize myself...I haven't always been great after the bomb, it took me a while to really understand what she went through and how she was feeling, and I didn't treat her very nicely at times. Again, I'm not exactly sure if that's appropriate right now, so I'll think that over.

Anyway, she wrote back quickly and said that it was really nice to talk to me, she thought about emailing it but thought she needed to tell me, for me and for her. And whenever I am ready to talk to her she is available. Quick replies haven't been her thing since she left (though she has been better about it lately) so that's nice. Now to figure out what I want to say...

[mako]

Today W emailed me about the weather. Just a couple lines complaining how cold it is and that the dog should get a sweater.

Huh? I go from all business a week ago to this?

While quite mundane, I see this as a positive. She must have thought of me to email me. Plus, maybe it's just me, but you don't send this type of email to just anybody. I wouldn't send something like this to an acquaintance, probably even to a friend. It would seem weird. In fact, the only person I'd send a 2 line message about the weather to would be...W, we did this sometimes.

This seems kinda small by itself, but putting all these things together...it just seems like there's still something there. Maybe not a lot, but the embers are still burning.

[Marcum]

good luck my friend i would kill to be in your position. she is being tentitive because she is makeing sure that the changes you told he rabout are real. that and she seems to have guilt so shes scared to feel that way as well. be patient you are doing well

[Marcum]

good luck my friend i would kill to be in your position. she is being tentitive because she is makeing sure that the changes you told he rabout are real. that and she seems to have guilt so shes scared to feel that way as well. be patient you are doing well

[LOVE_JONES]

Wow Mako...all this positive interaction is wonderful and gives me some hope too! Things have been lookin' up with me and H but the attention you're getting from your W is awesome! Whatever you did seems to be working for you.....YOU GO BOY!!!!

I'm very happy for you....keep doing what you're doing and take it slow. The changes you made seems to have really affected your W...looks like she is slowly coming out of her shell. Sounds like she realizes it too....BONUS!

I pray things stay on track for you. It's good to finally hear some positives esp when things started out so rough in the beginning.

LJ