RTL..how would you normally react? (I know this isnt normal!). Me and my BF had an urgent mortgage issue.. in the past I always did all the finances..so I have let him deal with it. So far, a month has gone by and he still hasnt done it. Its costing us £400 extra a month. I left the responsibility for it with him, as its a 180 for me, and for him. Its annoying its costing us money because hes being a bit slow, but it would be worth it if it makes him feel more confident about dealing with me.
So my advise would be..what would she expect you to react like in the face of her actions? Do the opposite, and do it with calmness and kindness? If there are items that need paying then phone them, email your W just letting her know what needs paying and asking her how she'd like to arrange payment for them? Unless their expenses on your house? My BF never mentioned the rent from the day he moved out, or bills. It sucks I know, but money isnt important?
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Is this normal behavior ar this stage? What is the best thing for me to do to keep positive and keep DBing?
Pretty much - You'll find that the anger and desperation will fade over the next month or so. She had all of this built up, and when the bomb hit it was her time to go and do everything she had on her mind - doesn't matter if it makes no logical sense; she is running on raw emotion right now.
I'd make sure you protect yourself financially wherever possible - Avoid any joint liabilities, limit her access to any funds you have and make sure she doesn't try to open up any new credit lines on your name.
You'll find that DBing will reduce the anger and diffuse the tension pretty quickly - Hopefully that will avoid her making too many quick or poorly thought out decisions.
First of all, Ali, your advice is always great and always welcome. Please keep commmenting, my friend.
Brit, I'm glad to hear it will subside because I'm really, really down right now. I just got hit with another e-mail from her telling me "she wanted me to know about the bank accounts before I found out another way." Well, it is a little late, I'd say.
In any event, her e-mail blames me for making financial mistakes and for lying to her about my finances. She said I told her the joint credit card was paid off, but now it is up to $8000 (I had it down to the cost of her new ring and repairs on her car, and she was told that). She also claimed I had "several credit cards in my name that I've kept hidden from her" which is another lie. I opened one card to get a free flight to see my family, we used it sparingly as a backup, we had to use it from time to time inbetween paychecks and I always paid it back down. She knew all about this, so I'm sitting her pretty pissed off.
Also, I offered her on several occasions to take over our finances and she flat refused to do so. This is why it is so difficult to DB right now.
I can't wait to have her anger settle down. Today is a day I want to just quit and give it all up. I won't do it and I've been praying all day for patience and compassion for my W, but it is very, very hard to do right now.
I've also found out she wants me to see my D only on Tuesday evenings from 4:30-7:30 and then every other weekend. Why can't we split her 50/50?
As to what I need to do to pull a 180, well, I'm doing it by venting here and not at her. I started to reply to her e-mail and defend myself, but stopped and sent it to my L instead.
She expects me to fight about it, but I won't. In fact, tomorrow when I see her, I'm not planning on saying anything about any of it.
I'm having a tough time staying positive today. This part really sucks and Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Great!
I agree, send her a calm, friendly, easy going email, asnwering her points? As long as you dont reply in the same tone as hers, no R talk, and sound patient and KIND, I think thats all you can do. I read a book by the Dalai Lama a few weeks back... "kindness, clarity and insight" or something...about being forgiving and kind in all your interactions, no matter how someone is with you. Helped me ! Smile as you type, might help!? Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm pretty sure that if I bring up anything about finances, she'll be pissed. My best 180 move might be to say absolutely nothing about it and let it play itself out.
My problem with this early phase of the papers being filed is my struggle with my self-esteem. It is difficult to keep a positive attitude when my love of the past 12 years is being so agressive, is finding me at fault for everything and could really care less that she's broken my heart.
refuse, you have time for the finances later, i would not deal with that now. try to forget about her filing. keep your eye on the prize. take one day at a time. you can do it. i did not think i could do it. but with the LOrds guidance i am doing it. it takes time. lots of time. dont backslide.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Thank you for chiming in. Was your W aggressive and angry as well? How long did it take for her to settle down and begin to be civil again?
I'm afraid I may have to do some fighting for custody of my D and I don't want this to get ugly at all. My fear is if it turns into a battle, then I'll lose her for sure.
How long has it been since your W filed? I'm curious to know what you've been able to endure.
I came home and got some of the house bills transferred over to my account. Now at least the power will be paid and not cut off.
I just got done doing some mild straightening of D's room in preparation of her coming over tomorrow. It was very hard. I've been crying. I miss her very much.
I get her tomorrow, then I have to go to work on Friday, then I get her in the afternoon and have to return her on Saturday at noon. I don't get much time at all, so I have to make the most of it. I know we'll go out on a date for Valentine's Day and then Friday is up to her. Whatever she wants, she gets. Saturday we'll go out for breakfast, probably the park, then I'll have to give her up again.
I miss her so much, but I'm really going to have a hard time giving her up. I hope she enjoys seeing me just as much. Who knows when I'll see her again after this?
My W countered our proposal for shared, equal custody w/ me having D every Tuesday night from 4:30-7:30 then every other weekend. We asked for equal time and I get this instead.
I guess it really hurts because I don't know or understand why she feels the need to be so cold-hearted and aggressive. She's going about this like she wants to fight. Does she think she has to fight me to make this right in her mind?
I know she expects me to fight and I won't give in, but I'm hoping that she will cool down someday, hopefully soon. It seems right now as if she'll stay this way forever.
I bought her a basic Valentine's Day card and wrote "I hope 2008 brings you all the love you deserve" and signed it (w/o writing "Love" before my signature). I then got her a card from the animals (it is a tradition) and signed it from them that they love and miss her (they do). I'm going to give my D her flowers, card and bear when I see her tomorrow.
I haven't been able to motivate myself to exercise since the papers were served last Tuesday. I'm not gaining weight because I don't eat enough, but I'm really not finding the will to exercise. I know it is what I need, so I'm hoping w/ the long weekend coming up I can start some sort of aggressive exercise and lifting plan to get me not only out of the doldrums, but to begin to work on my physical and mental health.
