First things first... I FINALLY SPOKE TO MY DAUGHTER! I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH HER! It is so good to hear her voice at last. She was crying and saying she missed me very much. I told her I loved her and hoped to see her soon.
I also talked with my W, who had sent me a very long list of things she wants for her apartment. I told her I don't know what I can and can't give her right now, so I'm not sure what to do.
She asked for the "bare minimum" things (Aerobed, bedding, pillows, towels, etc. and I'll give her that stuff for now. I'm probably going to be "nice" and throw in a few kitchen items as well, but NO FURNITURE. She wants a TV, DVD, and VCR, but she won't be getting those right now.
I told her I didn't want to be an A-hole about things, but we are in a legal situation and our lawyers haven't even spoken yet. Thus, I'm not sure what I can and can't do.
I hate this right now, but I need to be firm, but fair and make sure she knows this is real. I'm glad because I was able to not get mad even when my W began baiting me about "you didn't answer your phone, so I wasn't keeping D from talking to you." I started to aruge, then resisted and just said "ok."
She wants to come over tomorrow at 1 pm to get her stuff, but I think I should be here so I'll probably move it back a bit to around 2 or so. I've placed a call to my L and am waiting to hear from him. I may not tonight, but we'll see. For now, I know I'll get my D on Thursday, but not on Friday. I told my W I had plans and she wasn't real happy, but she said she'd let me see her on Saturday instead. I told her I had to be at the Football League Party that was planned before New Years b/c I have all the money that needs to be paid out.
My W gave me the line of "I'm living in a hotel, so fantasy football and beer were the last thing on my mind." Do I go or do I cancel? That is the real question?
Am I DBing by doing my own thing and taking my D on Saturday instead of Friday? I would rather be with my D, but I'm also trying to GAL.
I'm REALLY, REALLY unsure of what to do. If I don't take her on Friday, does it send a good or bad message? I'm looking to do the right thing, the 180, the best bit of DBing I can. The problem is, I don't know what that is.
I get to see my girl for two days regardless. I'm anxious to hear if you think I should go out on Friday or cancel. RTL
I've listened to my heart, head, and gut here and I've decided to do the exact opposite of what my W expects me to do concerning Friday...
I CANCELLED AND WILL BE SPENDING THE TIME WITH MY D!
My W complained that her and D got the scraps of me while everyone else got to eat the main course, so I'm pretty sure she's expecting me to go out with the boys and reject family once again.
I'm doing the 180 here and my GALing can wait. I'm going to spend the time w/ D instead. I left a message for W to tell her Thursday and Friday work well and to have her call me about it b/c I want to tell her personally and not on an e-mail or voice message.
I'm going to keep it simple and say "I've allowed myself to put others ahead of you two for too long and I'm not going to do that anymore. There is nothing better I can do than spend time with D. I'm looking forward to our two days together."
I'll admit change w/o expressing "love" for the W. She doesn't think I would choose D over me, so I have to prove her wrong.
I'm hoping I get to tell her this personally, but if I need to, I'll send it electronically. Voice to voice is more personal, but I'll do what I need to do to get my point across here.
I can do this. I am changing. I know I could GAL here, but I have to remember, "What is my goal? How will this get me closer to my goal?"
If I go out, I don't move to the goal of being a better, more loving husband and father.
Thanks for the kudos. I feel really good about it.
W hasn't responded to me, but since I had to make a "legal-sounding" reply to her request for items, I decided to tag on the end of the e-mail information about me taking D for both Thursday and Friday.
This way if we don't talk on the phone about it, I have proof that I accepted her offer to have me w/ my D for these two days.
I feel so much better about not going out. I really do. I felt so good that I actually tried to call the W immediately and when I got her vm, I sent a text saying, "if you're up, call if you can."
I want her to hear me say it, but I won't be over-eager here. I've stated that I will be with D on Thurs. and Fri. and I can wait until I see W face to face or talk w/ her to tell her my reasoning.
I will not be contacting her anymore tonight. If I don't hear from her, I'll wait until tomorrow evening when we'll have to talk to arrange a pickup.
I'm even going to suggest dropping D off w/ her grandparents during the day on Friday so she can hang out w/ them and then get her after school.
I like the decision I've made. I have to do it if my goal is to bust my divorce. Once I thought about it, it was a no brainer.
You definetly did the right thing by pulling a 180 and putting yuor D and M first, maybe you need to figure out what really she wasnt happy with and work on showing her you can "step up" and do those things, not just for her, becuase it really is what you want, to be a new you and have a better M.
I dont know if I was reading your posts right, but it seems yo ucontacted her a few times regarding your decision...I think that may be a danger area, perhaps leave her to come to you? ( I know you have to make arrangements re your D, but as long as you're sure she got the message, maybe leave it with her to come back to you?) You have to gaurd against pursueing behaviour - not DBing and also, she said she felt smothered didnt she? Try and let her sit with her decision, as somoen said to me... I'm no expert on all this though, but it was only when I stopped calling altogether that he started calling me voluntarily, but still nothing said. Its nice to have the other person call you though (which they cant if you keep emailing/phoning!). You sound like you're getting by and doing well?
Ali _______________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 3 months on
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I agree that I did contact her about my 180 here, but I had originally told her that I couldn't do Friday then realized it was the wrong decision.
Thus, she knows and I won't be contacting her about it. I'll have plenty of chances to tell her in person why I made the decision, but my main concern in the short run was to let her know I'd be with my D on Thursday and Friday so she could plan.
I also had to legally respond to her e-mail requesting things for her apartment, so I added the information about being w/ D on Thursday and Friday in that e-mail so it would be documented.
Now, I'm going to do and say nothing until contacted by her. She'll come over today and get a few essentials, but I won't be here. I will have to talk to her at some point today about getting D tomorrow, but I'll wait as long as I can for her to initiate the contact.
I don't want to be pursuing or chasing here. I made an initial mistake of saying "no" to the D on Friday b/c of "plans" then wised up to the 180 need.
Now, I just sit back and wait as I know she has the information she needs.
I'm glad I saw the light and reminded myself to stay focused on my goal to save the M.
Ah I see, well sounds like you are getting the hang of this so well! I wailed and cried and pleaded for weeks after my BF first moved out! I am impressed by how well you have caught on. I hope she notices the changes too. You have great chances to Db her as you have to remain in contact becuase of your D. Do you know where she is living then? You are doing really well, keep going Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Good job with the 180. My only advice here though is DO NOT ever let her know you are doing a 180, don't talk to her about the changes in you. Her seeing them is more than enough and she needs time to process these changes and be reassured by your actions that these changes are sincere and for real and not just a ploy to get her back then revert to your old self once she returns.
Keep it up and enjoy the time with D, I know she is in dire need of time with you. My kids get to see daddy once a week but that is daddy's choice right now and I have made the offer to be with them more but his life is his priority right now. And I know my kids are miserable without daddy.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Congrats on the decision to spend the time with your D. She matters the most. Take her out and have fun. GAL with each other. Find something your both enjoy. Miniature Golf is a blast with my kids. It's something we do without W.
I agree with everyone else. Go grey. Show your wife the changes. Don't tell her. Trust me, she'll notice. My W has commented on it a few things and I just smile.
W got aggressive w/ me and closed out our joint checking account. We have some items pending and I'm not able to balance the checkbook without access to the account. I'm not sure how that will play out, but if it results in late fees and penalties, not only will my credit score take a hit, but hers will as well. I'm pretty sure she's not thinking about that one.
She also cancelled our credit card, but left me with it as my liability. I'm not real pleased about this one as we're both at fault here. Oh, well.
Today I really need to be patient and strong. I'm focusing on being compassionate of her actions instead of being angry. I'm sad that she is choosing to be so aggressive at this stage.
Is this normal behavior ar this stage? What is the best thing for me to do to keep positive and keep DBing?
I still want this to work, but I have to admit I'm rather discouraged by today's events.
