Well this is my first post to DB forum. I am a 48 year old man who has been married to the same wonderful women for 20 years. We have 3 great boys 12, 16 and 18 a wonderful home outside of New York City and until 2 months ago a pretty dam good life. Don't get me wrong my marrage has not been great for about five years. My wife has a horrible way of getting her message across (delivered) and a while ago it really shut me down both sexualy and mentally. We had a great deal of difficulty communicating because of the way we delivered messages. We both work very hard and are all set financialy. A friend introduced me to DB about a week ago and I had my first consultation with Jody last Thursday. (she is awsome).
Well, to make a long story short just before x-mas I got the letter from the lawyer saying W wanted to dissolve the marrage due to irreconsilable differences. This turned my whole world upside down and i have made a dramatic change where the only thing that matters is fixing this and keeping my family together. I came on much to strong and smothered my bride which she did not appreciate much at all. I guess she just thought i was going to walk away. I never relized before this letter how much I truely love her and how important she is to me and the boys. I have done a complete turn about and started begging, crying and pleading with her not to do this. I have never cried in my life but now I cry most of the day. (All of the above DB tells you not to do). I did convince W not to go through with the D filing and to go to therapy with me which we have been doing. She is saying she loves me and is very concerned for me but has lost the feeling and does not know if she can get it back.
My W has had a very difficult year, she lost a best friend to cancer, had to move her dieing mother from her home in Maine to NJ by us into a nursing home, had problems with our 18 yr old and then me on top of that. I guess she thinks if she gets rid of me it will be one less problem.
After explaining my situation in my first consultation w Jody she said I have a very typical Walk Away Wife stuck in a MLC.
W has had a emotional freindship with a guy in her industry who she says is just guiding her through her difficulties. I spoke with him and he assured me nothing is going on just a freindship. They have met several times in bars with mutual freinds but I don't think anything is going on. He told me he advised her to do whatever was best for the family.
I am having great difficulties following Jody's advice such as 1) no relationship talk 2)don't tell her you love her 3)No Physical contact 4)Ask for nothing, pleading, crying 5) Patients is the hardest part for I am a very high pressure salesman in the software industry.
I believe that she is confused and stuck in the MLC walk away wife tunnel but I want her back so bad I can think of nothing else. I am hurting so bad where up until 2 months ago I was the happiest guy on earth.
We both are sleepin the same bed every night but there is little or no contact which is killing me. When she does kiss or hugg me it is quickly followed by "don't take that the wrong way" which makes me go to the boys room and cry very hard. She keeps saying that she does not have "that feeling yet" and when I ask her to make love she says "I am not there yet."
I am optpmistic for three reasons. We both live in the same house and have been getting along much better after following DB advise as best I can, she has been going to therapy with me and she has only spent one hour on the phone with her lawyer to get that first letter out and that's it. She does keep telling the therapist that she wants a physical seperation but i am not leaving the house for i could never leave my boys, I love them so much.
Next week she leaves on a cruise with 40 family members for 12 days ( I was invited but declined back in July for i don't like cruises and didn't want to spend 12 straight days with anyone).
I am hurting really, really bad and would appriciate any help anyone can offer. I love her so much. BTW: I got smart and got myself some Lexapro antidepressnets which have not kicked in yet.
My Best to you.
M20 3kids
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Just call me Backslide Tree. I must be dum. To make a long story short I tried to GAL and take my S12 to out favorate college Basketball team game. I asked her to come hoping she would say no and she did say no. She was to tired and and wanted to stay home and talk w/ friends on the phone. Well we returned early for the game was a blow out and found that W left for the shopping and the bar 10 min after we left. We got home early and my s12 called her to findout where she was for he missed her. She said she was out with her friend Jill whom is friends with OM/AR. I asked if he was there and she said no. My gut said yes for she told us where she was and left the bar and came home within 10 minutes thinking I may show up there. I would never do that. If we did not come home early from the game she would have never told us she was out. She is such a lier now. My Phycologist said don't ask her and questions because she will onlt lie. I backslide and asked her if she had sex with him and of course she said no. She asked me what i considered sex and I said it starts with kissing and hugging. I think she wanted me to ask if they had oral sex. My phyc said you can not control that so don't think about it. There is no way I can not think of it. I feel good today for I think the end of all this may be near and I am starting to accept the future whatever it may be. I have to take care of me and then the kids and just stay away from her. BTW after our converstion this morn I packed up my ski stuff and went to Vermont skiing to GAL. I am not sure if it was a good thing to pick up and leave for that may have been what she wanted but I could not even look at her anymore and wanted to give her plenty of space. I feel like the Big D is near.
Thanks for your thoughts guys. We have been talking all morning about our issues, she keeps saying she is at the end of her rope. I don't think she is but just speaking thru the fog. She can only remember the bad stuff and non of the good. My pyscologist really wants to speak to her bad about depression, MLC and anger issue which of course she says she has none of. He has her pegged. She also denies being in MLC yet she is walking away, whereing tight jeans, wants new boob's and facial surgery.
Well I moved out of the bedroom. Totally for her, but I guess she will never understand this. She loves to bicker at night often after she has drank to much. I like to read and go to sleep peasefully but she must end everyday with a huff.
I've been there. You made the right move. You are still in the house but have given space to her and you. Enjoy the guest room! Also... you need to start hanging out, we had a great time last night at the shop.
You should have told me you were going to the shop. I need to hang out more. My room is really nice. Need a HDTV and a hook up but that is about it. She was pissed when i moved all my stuff. She is going to her lawyer today to talk about finances because i have been paying all the bills from our joint account and seperation. Having a tough day. Marrage Counciling today at 3:30. Also my Mom is going to Arizona for 12 days so i have her place if i want to go hang out.
I find it interesting that she is pissed that you moved to the guest room. Either she is having second thoughts about where this is heading or she wanted more distance. In any case, you are giving her more space and she should appreciate that.
Good luck with the counseling today, that may be a bit of a challenge. This one sounds like a tough nut to crack, possibly tougher than my W.
You may want to consider heading to your mom's place for a week and going dark. Give her a dose of reality.
I think she was pissed cause i told her i was going to do it and did it.Sometimes she thinks I say things and never follow through. Also my room looks really nice and hers looks like crap. MC should be fun today, I really feel like i am losing her. She is just going to go in there and say she has no feeling for me anymore and she wants a physical seperation. I just wish we could learn to communicat better and move up from there. She is not trying very hard. It Hurts! Talk later.
Well, what a day yesterday, we went to the marriage counselor together yesterday. I pretty much just sat and listened for this was only the third time W has gone and it was my sixth. The MC was simply trying to get us on the same page. He asked W 10 times if she wanted out of the marriage but she never really answered directly. He kept saying you must let H know so he is not just hanging around on false hope. The last time she finally said “yes, I am done”. I almost died. I believe the only reason she even went was to get the message across to me that the marriage was over. She felt too horrible to tell me directly herself. She said she was not depressed, no MLC, no WAW just done with her love for me.
So we went home and told the kids. It was a very indirect conversation telling them that Mom and Dad just did not get along very well and were sleeping in different rooms now. No mention of D or Separation. The kids took it pretty well. My oldest S18 took it the worst, he was quite upset. S 16 was just ok and S12 I don’t think he really understood. She is contacting her lawyer today to discuss separation agreement.
What a mess. I really think we are done, I have been completely detached and doing all DBing tactics. I almost fell like I want this whole thing to be over.
What do you guys think should I keep DBing or just move on?
