ACJ your thread locked and I wanted to reply to your post so here goes
Oh Alison, big hugs to you(((((((()))))))))))))))). I truly hope you have "got it" and will save yourself more heartache well unnecessary heartache that is.Not sure your H will benefit from your email-he may see it as more of the same, BUT it,s not to late for you-to save YOU, to learn skills that you can take with you maybe into a new relationship, maybe to use "if" your h comes home. To learn new skills or new ways of looking at or dealing with your kids behaviour for a start,will benifit you all enormously. Let them deal with h on their terms and that doesn,t mean letting them do what they want or using the situation to their advantage or playing one against the other.It means not intervening or suggesting things-however subtly Others see the games we play much clearer than we do ourselves-maybe we don't even realise we are doing it at the time or even if it's pointed out we are not in a place to recognise it. It is the worst thing to just be ignored and sometimes a drama or a scene etc is better than nothing-anything to aknowledge our existance. Please don't feel you have wasted 2 years, you haven,t. You have grown you have started new things and gone out and made new friends.You have survived -yes bruised and battered but still here. You have dealt with difficult kids behaviour you have had stress and worry dealing with police and missing son so look to all you have achieved and use that to continue achieveing. I am guessing you are quite a fiery person and stubborn (apologies if I am way off the mark) and its hard to just ignor things that h does or says-thats when we need to really step way back and not use our kids as a way of getting attention or a reaction. I know you can do it. Bad DBing? I have read lots of posts just lately that have said at the end of the day it doesn't matter what we do even after we file they can still return and we can be the perfect Dber and 5 years on we are still living a single life.
We can only change ourselves-how many times do we read that!
So onwards and upwards and if h doesn,t respond so be it you don't need his help to start having a new improved attitude to your kids and how you treat them with regards to your wayward spouse. I have said and continue to say kids do not need to have blow by blow accounts of what is going on, nor see tears and upsets IF it can possibly be avoided. Good luck and have patience change takes time and the old adage "actions speak louder than words" is very true. One word of caution, please don't over compensate however badly you feel you have treated your kids.(I doubt it's as bad as you feel/think) Kids are quite strong and I get the feeling they may well latch onto your guilt-if that makes sense and you are quite vunerable now.
OH Alison, I forgot to say the most important bit- Nothing you have done or not done is probably as bad as you feel at this moment in time-we ALL without exception messed up at times. Be kind to yourself. What made you feel reading the article thet you had done so badly? Chin up.
