Worried I found DB too late

[cw68]

On July 23, 2007 husband surprised me one night with the whole ILYBNILWY thing, that we were broken and not worth working on. At this point, we had been together over nine years and were just a few weeks' shy of our seventh anniversary. (Seven year itch, eh?) We have a five-year old boy and six-year old girl. At the beginning of January, he said he needed a trial separation. In between these times, I did everything wrong. I told him why he should work on us, that is wasn't right that he never told me anything was wrong, I reminded him of our vows and the particular emphasis I made pre-marriage to the no-divorce thang (especially with kids). I was relentless and it did no good. Two weeks ago, during our second week of separation, I discovered DB and DR.

Is it too late? Also, our situation is so difficult, in terms of instituting the DB methods. We have an apartment and share the house: whomever has custody of the kids stays in the house. When he said he needed a separation he admitted that there was a chance that we could get back together. We both thought this was a good working solution because if we get back together (though he has strong doubts) we have spared the kids from living between two houses and if we do divorce, it's a gradual change for the kids.

So far, we've seen each other most days. He asks me to stay for dinner, we hosted a few friends for the Super Bowl and we talk/text multiple times per day. I'm trying so hard not to cry, not to be depressed, not to talk about R.

But how do I pull away, not pursue him in any way, go a bit "dark" when we have two small children that we don't want to get left in the wake?

After six months of nagging, guilting and pushing, is it too late?

Also, I found out in Nov that he was having an EA (and I do believe him when he said it wasn't physical. Really) and he quickly ended it. I also sent her an email to make sure that she knew we had agreed it was best that he stop contacting her so that we could work on our relationship without distractions. Watch our for your cute dental hygienists, everyone.

[minkerman]

You have some positives in your sitch. It is never too late!

1. Your H has said there is a chance you might get back together.
2. You see each other most days, therefore you have more chances than many of us, to show yourself in a positive light.
3. It doesn't appear that you have done any 180s yet...change something that blows his stereotype of you out of the water. One big 180 would be to put an instant stop to the "6 months of nagging".
4. You are still talking and are not at each other's throats.

Spend a few days reading posts in this forum. You will see that your sitch is far from unique, and you can get a lot of advice and support from folks who are further down the path than you, about what has worked and what has not worked.

Good luck, your new journey begins today!

[cw68]

I just started trying to stop nagging, stop talking about our R and did well until one little text exchange. Once I realized that I was talking about it again, I sent a message basically saying, "sorry, didn't mean to start the dance again, it doesn't do any good to state the obvious" and he replied that he wasn't irritated by it. I (of course) responded one more time and got the "I know." response.

Other than that, I've tried to do the 180. But how do you do it when you share a house? I've stopped talking about our R, saying ILY, etc. But we still try to spend time together as a family for our kids sake. We're updating our house (new flooring, something we've been talking about for two years and if we do need to sell the house, it's something we need to do) and he still comes for weekend days to do yard work and the like outside of custody times.

Half of me wants to lay down the hard line and show him what it really would be like should we divorce, but in the best interest of my kids I can't just draw a line in the sand.

I guess I understand the no "ILY" things and not talking about our R, but do I need to stop agreeing to dinners as a family and other things? How do I balance the needs of our children and my desire to institute DB/DR to make our relationship last?

And thanks so much for the quick response and support!

[minkerman]

Do you own a copy of Divorce Remedy? If not, you should get it.

It pulls everything together nicely into an action plan.

[cw68]

I do, but I'm not exactly sure how to do this when we share a house/see each other often. When he says, "When I come home tonight, stay for dinner." do I? I think for the kids it's good if they have us together as much as possible, but it makes it hard to GAL or appear aloof. I understand the part about backing off from the relationship (which I'm really trying to do, and am making progress), but I'm having a hard time with the physical space.

[Virtually_Handsome]

First, welcome aboard! It is awful that you have to be here, but you will find a lot of good people here!

I think that as long as the interactions you are having are positive, or at least not negative, there isn't any reason to stop them. Detaching emotionally doesn't have to mean detaching physically, and I don't think you are anywhere near needing to pull out the LRT. On the other hand, a little bit of alone time will probably be good for both of you, so you should work on GAL stuff. But I don't think aloof is what you are aiming for... I think you just want it to be clear that he isn't the center of everything you do, and that what you do when you are not together isn't his problem. Even if it is for just a few hours now and then, you do something for you. Stay away from R talks, if he starts one, do your best to change the subject, to avoid going into that dance! Don't pursue, meaning don't initiate contact, don't suggest things to do together, and obviously don't beg and plead. That doesn't mean you can't spend time together, and together with the kids, just be careful how you do it.

I realy don't think you are too late. Obviously, no one knows the outcome, but there have been worse situations with good outcomes. The other thing that you will find here over time, is that by GAL and focusing on yourself, you will be a better you, and will be able to hold your head high, no matter what the outcome.

I wish you luck! The weekends are often a bit slow around here, but I am sure you will find lots of encouragement in the next few days!

[Virtually_Handsome]

I was thinking some more, even one evening a week of GAL would be a good thing. That's a healthy thing in a good relationship, so I wouldn't worry about that being a negative for the kids. Even if you just go to Starbucks or a bookstore and read, get out a bit on your own. It will help you to feel better about yourself, I think.

[cw68]

I do GAL, but I guess I'm having a hard time saying NO to spending time with the kids. I feel like if I say no to dinner, or something, that's I'm punishing the kids in a situation I think is unfair enough already.

Darn weekends being slow, that's when I'm the most lonely, Kids go to bed at 8pm and I'm not a TV watcher. I read like crazy, but it's still a lonely thing to do night after night.

[Virtually_Handsome]

There are still a few of us around on weekends, I'm sure they'll stop by. I really see not wanting to say no to time with the kids, play that the way you feel right about. But don't overstay your welcome, and make sure you still get some time for you. I think forgetting to do that is a big source of the troubles we have on our marriages, we forget hat we are still individuals, too, and our lives and emotions can get too intertwined with or spouses.

I'm hoping you are a west coastie, otherwise you are u way too late! weekends are slow, but some folks still wander by! If you want some amusement tonight, go have a look at this thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1350097&page=1#Post1350097
It isn't always serious around here!

[Jen_Jam]

CW8 - I found this site 6 months after my first bomb too. My H and I are now reconcilled, so in answer to your first question, no, it isn't too late.
But I did keep the DR book with me at all times, must have read it 100 times, used it as a blueprint manual and applied it to me. I also kept a diary to record my progress/spill out my thoughts. Writing worked as a kind of therapy for me.