I went looking for my thread, which I hadn't posted on since about 12/21 and it was locked! But that's sort of good timing cause it was titled "What to do with a fencesitter". I really think H is off the fence, but...
For the past 2 months, I would have bet a million bucks he was but for the past week or so, he seems secretive again. It could be nothing, but for some reason, I am really paranoid. He was in a really FOUL mood Wednesday night and really blew up at D14 in a way I've never seen him do.
I'm an idiot for thinking these things. I have no proof, except that he took money out at a bank machine a few nights ago in a town where he used to go with OW (and get hotel rooms). Other than that, he's been home -- at least at night after work when I am. He has erratic work hours so who knows what he does during the day!
“Beliefs vs. Facts—even though we don’t stop to think about it often, there is a big difference between beliefs and facts. A fact is provable. Examples would include: The earth is round, 2+2=4, corn is a vegetable. Beliefs can’t be proven. They are felt to be true by some people but not others. Beliefs are really opinions. Examples are: The earth is the most beautiful of all the planets, math is a waste of time, corn tastes better than peas.
I am no expert but I TRY to use this
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
The paranoia lessens over time with consistent behavior on his part and a verbal understanding of how things should be. If he is still doing what he feels like when he feels like it, no, the paranoia will not go away. And really, you'd be foolish to let it. There has to be communication, and a desire on both of your parts to be committed to the marriage, and to make the other person feel loved. My advice is to talk about in a quiet, loving way.
Husband, I don't know if you intended this, but you made me LOL when I first read this. Thanks. After I read your post again, I decided it's very logical approach. Perhaps we should call you Mr. Spock instead of Dr. Love? Yeah ... belief versus facts. Thank you, thank you...
It is really hard to know if you are being paranoid or sensing something real. I struggled with what you are going through for months. And sometimes I felt fatalistic and that the marriage was doomed because I could not get over the repercussions of the affair. While he was involved with OW I was in fighting mode, so I wasn't depressed. But afterwards, when we dealt with the day to day struggles of life, I felt the depression. Retrouvaille helped us tremendously because it forced us to open up and talk to each other. (And taught us HOW to talk to each other.) Without that I don't know if we would have been successful at reconciling. We both wrote our feelings about our lives in our notebooks at the weekend. While he was off at work in the critical weeks afterward, I would pull out the notebooks and re-read them. What I said; what he said. How many times he signed his letters love. When he started signing them love, etc. I was grasping at straws to ward off the memories of what I knew he had said to her. It was hard Joie. I won't deny it. You need reassurance that he is with you to stay.
I concur with everything Sara said. Retro wasn't an option for me but a year of paranoia post H giving up OW is what brought me to these boards.
In the end, my H saw that total transparency was the only thing that would help me relax and he gave me that. I have to say, that although I read too much into some things, my H has never seemingly wavered from his recommitment.
However, I know some people on here have really good gut reactions - take lwb and sally as examples - and sometimes you have to go with those.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way but trust does take time to restore.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks, everyone. I feel a little better this morning. I've been thinking that we were progressing slowly, but perhaps we're more at a standstill or a crawl. It was a rough week for both of us (busy with work)(D14 is in a challenging stage, too). I know H is really worried about his legal sitch (his court dates have now been postponed 3 times). When I saw the ATM withdrawal my heart literally stopped. That, and everything else that happened this week, brought on my paranoia. Sara, you are right on about sometimes feeling fatalistic and that the M is doomed. I had those feelings the last few days BIG TIME. I think last night they all caught up with me.
We have not talked much lately. I know we need to. I tried to talk to him Wednesday night but he was not very forthcoming. I realize now the timing was bad on my part. I had seriously considered Retro and that is still a possibility. But we one other hurdle to cross first (legal sitch).
As far as if my feelings are justified? I have no idea. He does not call OW much anymore, nor does she call him much anymore, at least when I'm around. But out of curiosity, I checked his cell phone the other night. I have not done that in weeks. Actually, for awhile, he was making sure I could not get to it. Now he leaves it out. Same with his computer. So there is some transparency there. And, he was confiscating his credit card statements from the mail box so I could not see them, and last month when the statement came, he left it out. (We'll see what happens this month!)
