My wife's affair is over (for now, and hopefully for good). She is sincere about working on our marriage, and things are as good as possible considering the situation. All contact with the OM has been severed, however, we live in the same city, and given all the mediums these days for secret contact its still all too easy for re-contact to be made.
I am not naive however, and feel that she naturally will be going through a withdrawal period. The other man, i'm assuming, is still in love with her and will try to contact her. When he does I believe it is possible she will be tempted to stray again.
Again, what if I find out in a month that contact is being made between the two of them. Or ideally, should he try to contact my wife, and she is honest with me and tells me that he tried to contact her, what do I do?
What if she tells me that she is beginning to miss the other man? What do i do then?
I'm also looking just for general advice, I suppose, in this most crucial phase during the days and weeks following the ending of the affair.
You'll find that there is strong disagreement on this board about the wisdom of "no-contact" and "transparency" agreements in busting up affairs. However, if you you want more info on setting up a bullet-proof no-contact plan, this book describes the rationale and the process very well:
"Surviving an Affair" by Willard F.Jr. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers
I found it very helpful in dovetailing what I learned from Michelle about focusing on ME (GAL, DBing techniques, etc.) while ensuring that my wife was no longer actively involved in an affair.
Waterski, An A is an addiction. There are those who decide to end an addiction and they're done -- it's a matter of resolve and conviction. Then there are those who waiver back and forth. Their addiction has a strong hold on them or their resolve is not great so they have a tough time beating it.
It's hard to say what will happen with your wife. But don't be surprised if you find out they do contact each other again. The question about what to do about it is up to you.
The book chocolateeyes recommends is very good. I've read it, too. It tells you to hang in there. That the fantasy of the A will end...
My philosophy is to be the person they want to be with. Be patient. It's also important to focus on yourself.
Has your W made contact with the OM?? My husband told the OW that it was over on Feb 1 and since then has seen her once and text messaged her a number of times. It is really difficult to deal with. I know that he is trying. He says that he does talk to her now and then but doesn't have a "relationship" with her anymore. I am torn within myself as to what to do about it. Part of me wants to tell him to leave if he wants to keep talking to her and another part of me wants to wait it out.
What have you been doing?
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
... My husband told the OW that it was over on Feb 1 and since then has seen her once and text messaged her a number of times. It is really difficult to deal with.
No kidding.
Let's not forget one of MWD's Mandatory DON'Ts When DBing: Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
In my experience, this has always been extremely difficult. I want to believe everything my H says to me, without ever having to doubt him or otherwise be suspicious.
When I put more trust into his words than his actions, the end result leaves me with hurt and disappointment.
In the beginning of my sitch (2005), my H called OW in front of me to tell her it was over. Found out he called her right back as soon as he left the house for work that same morning.
We've been S'ed for over 2 1/2 years now, D is in motion, and now H claims he wants to reconcile. H said he told current OW that it was over, he did not want to see her, and for her to not call him anymore. Several nights ago, H admitted that he had talked to her again.
H and I talked again a couple days after that, and his version of the "it's over" talk had changed. What he said to current OW was that he thought it would be best if they didn't talk anymore.
Both are totally different. One, "Don't call me anymore," and two, "I think it might be best if we don't talk anymore," with the latter leaving the door slightly ajar. After hearing H's story change, this now makes sense to me as to why OW has still been calling him.
Anyway, my whole point is to remember MWD's Mandatory DO's and DON'Ts When DBing (page 139). Follow them and live by them.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
