"I'm out of it for a little while, and everybody gets delusions of grandeur." - Han Solo
So, here's the update.
Made it to Minnesota. Set myself up in a nice apartment five minutes from my new job (much better than the 90 minute one way commute to NJ). House in PA is on the market and have good hopes that it will sell.
I'm settling in, unpacking all my stuff and just now starting to really relax in the new life. I even found a nice church that I will try to attend more than just on holidays and I'm getting in contact with some therapists for some IC to help me with my confidence.
All in all, I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately. When I got the house packed up for the move, I got to see a lot of old friends and we had a ball, getting the entire 3 bedroom house packed into a 22' truck in under 4 hours. X wasn't at the packing, more for her sake than mine since everyone in attendance (her family included) would have just spent those hours berating her. She did come out later to help me do a final scrub-down of the house and we actually got along and talked about everything that had happened in the last year.
We're both in a good place, she knows her sh!t is MLC, but we both realize that her tunnel led to a place where she is more comfortable with herself and where we can still be friends, if nothing else. The past year has shown us both that we got married for the simple reason that everyone was telling us that we were perfect for each other, never mind that we were only comfortable in the relationship and not truly "in-love" with each other.
We did and still do care for each other, but our lives are heading in different directions. Ironically, we both got kinda teary-eyed when saying goodbye, but it wasn't tears of regret or loss, as they had been. But rather tears of release.
As for me, I'm still growing. Hopefully the C will help me let go of some things and build my confidence and communication skills to where I want them. I'm going to try and do some journaling here and want to help out those around here with what I've learned in the past year, so get ready to see me poking my head in now and then.
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
I don't want to sound bitter, but I still have some of a bad taste in my mouth about what happened this last summer. I appreciate your best wishes and any prayers you have to offer, but I don't have the forgiveness in me just yet for what occurred.
I wish you all the best in everything and I'm sure we'll see each other on the boards, but I don't have it in me to go back to harmless chit-chat like last year.
Matt
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
It's real easy to stand here. You go outside, freeze solid, then when the spring comes you finally can lie down.
Anyway, I'm having a pretty good weekend. Went out Friday night to the local pub/eatery place and had a pretty good time. Yesterday I drove up to the Mall of America, in all of the bad weather, and just people-watched and window-shopped. The drive was [sarcasm]fun[/sarcasm] and I got to experience my first "white-out".
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
This is how I know I'm a winter freak. I'm actually HAPPY with that forecast. Now, if I just had some sidewalks or driveways to shovel, I'd be set. Stupid apartment!!
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
