Listen, I'm not anybody special. I'm just a a guy with a lot of problems.
Of course you are! You're special because you are a child of the King! God loves you more than you can possibly imagine. Even when things look at their worst, He is still with you.
Sure you have problems, we all do! Don't think any less of yourself just because things aren't going the way you would hope. You ARE a good guy. Now you just have to BELIEVE it. (((HUGS)))
And if it makes you feel any better, I would give my left arm to have someone be as devoted to me as you have been to your wife.
M: 29 H: 27 Married: 6/22/02 Bomb: 6/12/06 H moved out: 6/16/06 Signed D papers: 1/8/07 D final: 5/14/07
The way you have gone about this dialog with me shows not only your heart and integrity but the capacity of your relationship skills. This was evident in your posts even before your dialog with me.
This heart and integrity combined with skills is why I say you are a great man.
A great man is a wonderful thing.
When my ex and I divorced, he pretty much bowed out of my kids lives in bitterness, anger, and some mental illness. They needed a great man in their lives....a father figure. They basically haven't had it. I've known some great men....some their uncles are pretty great (exH brothers--big family)...but they aren't here, and aren't their dad.
Treasure the gift of who you are.....and give fearlessly. You are needed.
Thank you, I needed to hear that right now. It seems so opposite of how I've felt for years but I'm starting to think that maybe part of how I've felt is due to my W 'needing my strength' so much and when it wasn't there, she eventually betrayed me.
Now. I'm dealing with an EA and her strange 'need to go away for the day/night' stuff. What's hard? Her OM coincidentally is 'out of the office till tomorrow'.
How do I not believe that something is going on there? Well, whether or not it is will it change anything for me? I have a hard time letting go as it is.
Our friend 'T' says she would just be shocked if it went beyond the flirty friendship or whatever it is. She says she has know OM and his W and that there is real love there. His W is the opposite of mine. Strong, supportive, independent. 'T' said again to me that I shouldn't hang on, that I can't fix this. In her experience with others she knows she's seen this kind of thing and has W pegged as a 'quitter' who WILL leave this time. Says that I need to just let her go and rebuild myself so I can be a strong dad for the girls.
Still, all the energy I put into worrying is wasted because I can't fix this, and she IS in an affair. Whether EA or PA it's still an affair.
She's home now, and is kind of aloof but friendly. Not really talking about her trip but not 'out there' either. Kind of calm, actually a little 'blah'.
I will tell you that when I learned what Michele calls "REAL GIVING" that made a crucial change in this relationship (6yr)...and I receive it now, too.
It's a beautiful thing. Is it perfect, am I perfect at it. Oh...no. But it is beautiful.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I will tell you that when I learned what Michele calls "REAL GIVING" that made a crucial change in this relationship (6yr)...and I receive it now, too.
Talked with W tonight a little about her trip. She says it was good to spend 24 hours with herself and to visit some old places and process old feelings.
She said I looked tired so I told her that I didn't sleep much last night. I said I worried about her and that I'm not going to just stop caring about her. She said she spent the time alone and I didn't need to worry about her.
I told her that I am still dealing with a lot of the work and financial pressure and with our added 'situation' it's a lot of pain to deal with, that I don't want to hate her and I'm always going to care what happens to her.
She says in a very neutral tone, "Yes, this is very painful". I kind of felt like she was being a jerk and I said "it doesn't seem like it is for you". She said she didn't want to share her feelings with me right now because she's processing her own hurt.
She said she wasn't asking me to stop caring about her, just to no longer be married to her.
She said she wasn't asking me to stop caring about her, just to no longer be married to her.
Yes, I believe this is really what most WAS want. They want you to still "like" them, to not be "mad at" them, to "cherish" them. They want you to "be their friend."
I'm not very good at all this DB stuff, but I think you err when you talk to her about your feelings. That is why you are getting the neutral tone responses from her. Don't talk about your feelings! Even if you've given up on the DBing, stop it!!!! She is not capable of understanding at this point. She is too wrapped up in her own pain to feel yours. And all it does is cause you more pain. Did you enjoy that dagger to your heart? I think not. STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
Frank, make a goal to accomplish ONE thing today for yourself that will benefit YOUR life. Finish a work project. Talk constructively to one of your partners. Do that computer stuff you do so well. Do what you do best. Aces, Frank. Think aces.
I know you need to process all of this, but PREVENT yourself from talking to anyone of your support people until you finish something concrete for yourself. FOCUS (Sorry, I know you hate that.) Really focus. Use the 20 minute interval that we talked about. Do nothing that will inflict more pain on to yourself.
The last time you went through all of this, your W began to "wake up" when you got strong, GAL, if you will, and when it became apparent to her that you were LETTING GO. Remember that when you started making it easy for her to leave, she began to want to stay. Making no noticeable financial improvements, having talks about your "feelings", checking up on her every move does nothing except make her want to leave more. AND, more importantly to me, it does nothing to improve your life.
Take care of Frank and so much of this will become so much easier for you. I promise.
Prayers forthcoming for you today. I will pray that you have strength and clarity today.
Hugs,
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
