In your last post you said I was a generous man. I don't think I'm that generous. When we first got M, we had many bills. We only had one car and we would car pool back and forth to work. We had some nice quality time together, but I blew it. Not knowing how good I had it. Trying to build a future for the two of us, I started bringing up ways we can save some money. Our wedding cost us a fortune and we had loans to pay. Now that you think of it not much has changed, she spends and I try to pay what we owe. Well she quickly got tired of my talk and when we had enough money we bought another car.
If I could DB then like I do now, maybe things would have been better.
It's a rollercoaster ride for sure. My W called to say she's staying out late. She doesn't come home until about 3AM, so I'm not going to hold my breath.
I asked her some questions which she answered. Nothing personal only a few questions about where's the best place to play pool. Then I thanked her for calling to let me know she'll be home late.
Was it wrong for me to thank her? The D word has been popping into my head more and more. Calls like this make me think there's hope.
It is not too late to fight for your marriage. Your wife is the love of your life. Therefore, do not give up! Hope requires attitude and perseverance. Keep doing the 180s, and you'll see the results. Smile that you two shared a game of pool! Plus, you thanked her for calling. Its a baby step; but Rome was not built in a day. It is okay to spend time together; however, follow her lead. Time together does not necessarily require the spending of money. As we know, quality time is precious.
Do not blame yourself for your past mistakes. We all make them. The past is history, learn from it. The question is: What are you willing to do differently?
Thanks for the pep talk. Lately, I seem to need one more and more. Thursday's is her "pool night", which means she goes out and parties. We didn't play pool. I only asked her as a conversation starter. SS21 and I are going out this weekend to play a few games and she knows where all the good places are.
I wasn't certain if thanking her for calling was a good thing. I didn't know if it came across as being needy.
Could you please answer a question for me? What does it mean to follow her lead?
I just wanted to touch base a little and offer some insight without actually knowing the full story.
I think that it is a good thing that your wife is getting out and getting a new hobby. She's found something she enjoys and if it is one night a week it sounds as thought it's a hobby in moderation.
So, she might like pool... what's your thing? What do you do where you get to stay out until 3am or whatever? Maybe yours could even include weekend trips or a group that meets regularly.
I don't want you to get sucked into the "everything she can do you, you can do better" mode of thinking, it's toxic. Think outside the box, though. Explore your own interests.
You don't have to play pool to have quality time with her. And Thursday won't be the best day to initiate the one on one. She may feel crowded and threatened if you chase her in her exploratory interests, and that won't do anything but cause a bigger rift. So---
Is there something that you enjoyed doing in the past? A movie she might want to watch?
Again, you may be doing this already, I'm not familiar with your situation.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
In terms of being a LBS my weekend didn't go too bad. Like most nights my W came to bed late. While she was getting settled I woke up. I reached towards her and we held hands the entire night. On Saturday we went to a comedy show and I met her mystery GF she's been going out with at night. I was shocked to see she was about our age. Hmm... it seems the MLC'er is growing up. We had a good time until we got home. My W was in a cranky mood.
D10 snuck into our bed, she was so tired I didn't want to move her. When went downstairs to tell my W our D was on her side of the bed, she snapped at me. I smiled and wished her a goodnight and went back to bed.
The next afternoon I asker her what was wrong. She replied the same old stuff. Okay, but what same old stuff so I'll try to watch myself I said. She told me I insulted her last night. Even though I didn't insult her I appologized. I asked her if she thinks I respect her and her answer was yes. I told her I've always respected her, and I will do my best to continue to respect her. I told all I can do is listen to your problems and I can't fix them. Then I hugged her.
Today we have a MC session and I don't have any idea how it's going to go.
Today my W and I had a MC session. For the most part it went alright. I arrived about ten minutes later than my W did. She was already in the office and talking to our C about how I would like to see another C. She told him how I asked her to go see another C with me. I corrected her and said I was going to see my own MC and that she may be asked to come to a few sessions. Our MC was for me going to see someone else. My W didn't feel like talking. She was quiet and short with her answers. Then she started going on about how I accumulate too much stuff in the house; which is not true. As I listened I said I would take the blame for all the clutter. Then my W talked more about how much junk had accumulated throughout the years.
Then our MC suggested that I help my W clean. I was fine with it but she told him she doesn't like cleaning with me. She's afraid I'm going to want save all the junk we're throwing away. I told her that I threw away alot of stuff and that there's more I could go through.
Then our MC wanted us to arrange a time to go over our financial plans. The idea I pitched to both of them during the last session.
This was the first time our MC had put any pressure on my W. He insisted we talk about our finacial plans. I think he just really wanted us to go out and talk about something.
I think my W is starting to wake up. Is it because her friends in their 20's are growing up? Is it because many of her "new" friends have gone there own way? Or was it because I DB'd?
I don't think any of these answers apply. No matter who she was with in her life this abrupt change was going to happen. First she was a devilish teenager. With many secrets and a defiant attitude towards life. Suddenly becoming the most popular girl around and leaving me out of her life. At times she would display some unusual behavior that made me secretly question if I wanted to be with her anymore.
I got the impression she thought I was holding her back in life. She talked about so many ways of improving her life. There was always some obstacle in the way that prevented her from completing her goals. Either she was afraid or lost interest in her next major life improvement. When she gave up her anger would be focused on me. She would blame me for all that went wrong. All I could do was listen and be there for her if she needed me.
When it came to being a mom she did the bare minimum. I became our daughter's primary care taker. Taking her to all her doctor's appointment. My W just wasn't there.
I also remember a phase where my W thought she was the best mom in the world. She would make these huge meals, but everthing was put away before I came home from work. I would comment on home good the food was, but she wouldn't acknowledge anything I said. All I could do was have my own life.
Later in years I was allowed to go out with my wife. However, she still have friends I wasn't allowed to meet. They were a mystery and she would talk about them to her GF's. When I finally met them I could see why they were kept so secret. Her new friends where still in there teens and early twentys. These were the people she would party with.
Now, she's trying to do the mother thing again. This time I'm involved. She's cleaning the house and getting rid of all the clutter she accumulated throughout the years. She close to coming back to us, but I don't want to rush things.
I love her, but only from afar. I want so much for her to tell me she loves me, but it doesn't look like it will happen.
Telling her she loves me is a deal breaker for our M. If after a few years she doesn't say these three words, I'll move on.
A man goes through life trying to do all the right things. Then when he thinks life is good - an MLC comes along.
I've been running two threads on this board. One for the solution journal and this thread. This one I vent, yell, scream and sometimes write other nonsense.
I don't know if it was because of the snow storm, but my W came home early. She complained about the fishy smell of dinner. Then she did some laundry. When I came down to wish her a good night I hugged her. The hug seemed to be a bit longer. Around 2:30 she came up to bed. For a few minutes we held hands. Then she jumped and pulled her's away. I searched for her hand and gave up after a few times. Then I turned away from her and went back to sleep.
