Confusion of a WAW (Thread 7)

[smith18]

Have you flat out asked her what her definition of space is?

The title of your last few threads are so appropriate - you really have a confused WAW. My W is also a member of this mysterious club.

Now that my W indicates she is considering seeing a counselor, I have found out that the Author/Psychologist that wrote "The Walk Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost" has his practice in our area. I might suggest W give him a call.

Have you flat out asked her what her definition of space is?

I shouldn't talk to her on IM, and I shouldn't call her. Of course, she can IM me at her whim, then get annoyed when it turns into a conversation.

She is pretty unclear about spending time together - She complained last night that we've spent a lot of time together recently, but she said she didn't know when I asked if she would prefer if we didn't do dinner together and stuff throughout the week.

I just don't think she wants to be pressured, or feel like she is under the microscope, because she really has no clue what she is doing. Maybe if we can spend some time together and she can start to relax again, she might get over that. She just seems to want to withdraw from everyone right now - That said, she told me she had lunch today with her pregnant lesbian friend. Better than OM I guess.

We've been down this road before - We bounced back. I imagine we'll bounce back again in a week or two.

[smith18]

pregnant lesbian - - you dont need to elaborate

Well, seems like she wants to go be quiet for a while. Maybe that's a good thing - I'm not detached at all. Today sucks so badly. I have no idea if this is all in a response to what happened last night, or if there is more to it. She really didn't seem like her usual self last night, but I guess the discussion just added to the stress.

So, I guess if this thing has phases, then this is 'withdrawl'. I'm going to guess, based on history, that she'll warm up to me in the next week or two, but we'll see. I have D all weekend and Monday all day, so it's going to be a long few days. We were talking earlier this week about going to the zoo together sometime (it's all indoors), but I doubt that is going to happen anymore.

That said, I don't know if she is still dealing with OM feelings and all of that - I'm sure there is a ton of stuff going on that I don't know about that is adding to her anxiety and stress.

(4:15:09 PM) M: did you want to spend some time with D?
(4:15:52 PM) Jessica: my parents are coming over at about 12:30 tomorrow, so if you can bring her by that would be good
(4:16:08 PM) M: ok
(4:16:14 PM) M: you're still really mad at me, aren't you?
(4:16:28 PM) W: I need time on my own
(4:17:41 PM) W: it's not a matter of being mad, I just feel that you are not respecting my wishes at all
(4:17:59 PM) M: I do respect you
(4:18:11 PM) M: I want to do for you whatever it is that you need
(4:18:57 PM) M: I'm sorry that you don't feel comfortable spending time with me
(4:19:23 PM) M: I never wanted to make you unhappy
(4:22:53 PM) W: you made a lot of poor decisions, and I made a lot of mistakes in dealing with it
(4:23:02 PM) M: I know I did
(4:23:08 PM) M: I am not at all proud of anything that I have done
(4:23:23 PM) W: I know
(4:24:17 PM) W: I forgive you for it, but I can't forget about it
(4:24:39 PM) M: I appreciate your forgiveness
(4:24:45 PM) M: and I don't expect you to forget
(4:27:09 PM) W: I am trying to respect you and I'm trying to be compassionate
(4:28:20 PM) W: but you are trying to act as if nothing has ever happened, that things are like they were
(4:28:22 PM) W: and they're not
(4:28:40 PM) M: I know they're not
(4:29:29 PM) M: I thought you wanted us to spend some time together with D and help each other out with our houses
(4:30:05 PM) W: I do, but I'm starting to get the feeling that you are interpreting that as meaning that I want to get back together
(4:30:44 PM) M: no, I took it as you and I being friends
(4:30:47 PM) M: and taking care of D
(4:31:20 PM) W: that was my intention
(4:31:43 PM) W: but I'm not so sure if friendship is possible when one person is wanting more than the other
(4:32:08 PM) M: I respect that you don't want more
(4:32:28 PM) M: I don't want more right now
(4:32:41 PM) M: I want to get myself settled at home and all of that stuff
(4:32:45 PM) M: and I want to help you do the same
(4:33:05 PM) W: then please stop kissing me and stuff
(4:33:24 PM) W: and please respect that I need my space, and that I need to live my life on my own
(4:33:36 PM) M: I understand
(4:33:53 PM) W: ok, I'm going to head out

I swear if I made a little graph of our interactions every day, over the last 6 months there would be an obvious pattern to it. I guess that's why it's called a roller coaster.

[smith18]

You know Brit, I talked to my W's best friend this morning and she said the same thing - she thinks my W just needs to live her life on her own for a while. You and I are in the same damned if you do, damn if you dont situation. They need our help at times, but if we give them too much help, they think we are expecting something in return. Of course we are - we want nothing more than for our W's to love us as we love them.

It is so very hard to detach when there are children that you share together. I dont know what else to tell you other than to continue to be the best dad and all the other pieces should fall in place eventually.

I wonder if your graph might show something that happens intensely every 29-30 days?

[J_in_Texas]

Damn but I love the graph idea! Brit, I am borrowing it if that's ok? (Kerry, so true on the every 29-30 days... sorry ladies, but my W is SOOO predicatable on this)

I got a lot going on with me now and it is so hard to look at our sitch from the outside so maybe a graph, similiar to journaling, would help. Hmmmmmm...........

BTW, if you figure out the key to detaching, let me know.

J

Damn but I love the graph idea! Brit, I am borrowing it if that's ok? (Kerry, so true on the every 29-30 days... sorry ladies, but my W is SOOO predicatable on this)

Go for it - I actually have a nice graph somewhere that a psych gave me a LONG time ago. It was designed for bi-polar patients and graphs mood from elevated to depressed. Might be a good starting point if you want something simple.

Google should find something for you. Some kind of 'mood chart' may work.

BTW, if you figure out the key to detaching, let me know.

Believe me, if I knew I'd share it with everyone. I was REALLY down on my drive home. Tonight is only the third time in two years we have skipped Friday dinner together. First time was when D was born, second time W faked sick and we out with OM. Tonight, she's just at home hiding.

So I'm at home with D watching Elmo. My brain is rotting

pregnant lesbian - - you dont need to elaborate

I always keep that one in the bag for when people ask why I question the value and stability of W's new friends. She surrounds herself by train wrecks because it makes her feel better about herself, plus I think she likes the drama that goes along with that sort of insanity.

[lizzy]

Well guys, from a ladies perspective, I totally get the 29-31 days. However, I am a firm believer that men go through a similar cycle. I could swear my H has had some major rounds of PMS. Anyway, I do think there is a lot more to it with Brit's wife. As I was reading the IMs I just kept thinking WTF is she talking about. She is so confused Brit. Maybe if she would tell you from the get go what her intentions are, she wouldn't feel so pressured by you.

Well guys, from a ladies perspective, I totally get the 29-31 days. However, I am a firm believer that men go through a similar cycle. I could swear my H has had some major rounds of PMS.

Maybe he's the type of alien where it's the male who gestates

Anyway, I do think there is a lot more to it with Brit's wife. As I was reading the IMs I just kept thinking WTF is she talking about. She is so confused Brit. Maybe if she would tell you from the get go what her intentions are, she wouldn't feel so pressured by you.

I'm curious which parts you are wtfing over, if not all of it She just seems to be in full on panic mode, probably because we were spending time together and she got used to it, then was all "wtf? I don't like that, do I?". I guess, to use the analogy, she ran back in her castle made of crap. I'll give her a week before she is broke again though - She has been getting of easy recently with food and other things, since we either eat out together, or we'll go out and buy things and bring it home to make.

Honestly, I have hardly initiated ANY contact in the last two weeks. This week alone she invited me over for dinner, out for dinner, then showed up at my doorstep with hot chocolate on Wednesday. Today is the first day in six weeks that we have not spent some time together.

I really don't think she gets at all that I'm not mad at her, or am going to lash out (in whatever sense) if she tells me the truth. Obviously brining it up gets us no where, although I'm always confused why she accuses me of snooping whenever I talk about OM like that. Anyone with a brain would surmise that maybe if I snooped and, say, read her e-mail, that there would be 'evidence' of her behavior with OM. Her reaction just seems totally wrong for someone with nothing to hide.