Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

The C tries to be the voice of reason and I know she thinks H is being very irrational and unrealistic about the effects of D on the kids. But she's not the type who is going to tell us what to do. She is more of a guide. I met with her alone afterward (H had to leave) and she agreed that H responds to me like a robot. He seems completely removed.

When this first came out, H said he had been feeling unhappy for a few months, then it was 2 years. Today, he said been feeling some degree of unhappiness for the entire 15 years of our M (paging Treese...) Yet, he insists he is not depressed even though he also says this has been the worst few months of his life.

He also told me I was being narcissistic by not realizing how much this is affecting him. I DO realize it's affecting him, but only ONE of us is leaving. I am the one who is going to be left single against her will, having to re-enter a job market I've been away from for over a decade. This is not my choice, it's HIS.

Oh man oh man. I gotta let go. But first I have to call H and talk about what we're going to have for dinner. I hate living like this.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((LMG)))))
I'm not sure you should apologize. You meant what you said when you said it. And it could be he needed to hear it. It's not clear that the MC did a great job of handling things, but that's a different discussion.

Look forward, not back. If you are ready to really DB, then get on with it. Bringing up what happend yesterday doesn't fit in that picture!

It's time to look at you, and what you can do! You can't fix or control him, so let's get you under control! You can do it!

[Virtually_Handsome]

But first I have to call H and talk about what we're going to have for dinner.

Why?

[newnamenewlife]

Why? Because we live under the same roof and we have dinner together as a family almost every night and we're out of broccoli, so he needs to pick some up at the store on his way home.

[Grace_O]

I live in the same house with my H too. I don't talk to him about dinner. If I'm the cook (and I usually am), I cook. I try new things and just go on maintaining a peaceful household. I don't intentionally make something he won't like or cook too early (even though he comes home at different times). I act as if we're on a schedule. he knows about when we eat, he can be here or not (he doesn't call to let me know).

As far as what issues go long with conflict avoidant....here's a few:


1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.

3. Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.

4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.

5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.

6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.

7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.

I don't know how much of this (if any applies to your H). Some of it does apply in my house. I tend to keep certain things in mind about how I interact with h b/c of it. Will it help? Who knows. So far, it doesn't seem to have hurt.


I know you're feeling angry today. i hope you can do something to help alleveate that.

HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

Most of those conflict-avoidant things don't apply to my H.

I just got back from a great exercise class, you'll all be happy to know!

After yesterday's session at MC, I am finding it excruciating to live with H and act as if for the sake of our kids. I really want him to move out since he has said over and over that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and can't work on our M, has no hope that his feelings will change. But he won't because neither of us can face telling the kids and he refuses to tell them anything other than that we BOTH want this.

I would rather rip the band-aid off fast instead of this slooooow drawing out of the agony.

[Grace_O]

But he won't because neither of us can face telling the kids and he refuses to tell them anything other than that we BOTH want this.

I don't think it has to be either or with regards to talking with the kids (and it took me along time to get here). What about something like "Sometimes in a marriage b/c of frustration and unhappiness a break is needed. This way we can decide how to proceed and make the best decisions we can for this family." Now, I know you don't think a D is best and that's not what you're putting out there for the kids. I also know you want him to take "ownership" of this mess b/c he's the one that leaving. Now answer me this, how does telling your kids that help them?
This is hard and it's a personal decision we each have to come to and live with. What's right for me may not be for you. I'm just throwing in my 2 cents.

[cw68]

LMG I understand where you are, it is frightening how similar our Hs are. I think your H is doing what mine did for over six months and that is wait until I decide to kick him out so they he wouldn't have to take ownership of it. A good friend of ours tipped me off by giving me his perspective on it just a few months after the bomb. I decided then and there to not give him the easy way out, the satisfaction on not having to make the decision. When he finally did, I told him that a) he had to leave that weekend and b) when the kids were told he had to tell him that it was his decision to move out but that we were both parents to them together 100%. I didn't want my kids to think any part of my being was OK with our family being split apart.

[fandgmom]

With my sitch, the bomb dropped on 12/17/05 - then the 2nd bomb dropped about MOW on 12/25/05 - it took until 1/16/06 for my H to move out. We both made the decision (even though it was not at all what I wanted and I made that perfectly clear) because neither one of us could continue to live like we were. Now, my children, at the time were younger than yours are now. My son was only 4 and my daughter only 6 months. It was hard, but there was not alot of explaining to do. I don't know what I would have done if my kids were the age yours are. I really do not know. After my H moved out, he completely "checked out" of the relationship, detached from the kids, and then in about a month or so, he started to realize what was happening - he was losing our son because of it. Things started changing around that time, things also got worse before they got better.

Both my H and I look back on everything and realize that we needed for that all to happen. As much as it sucked, he needed to move out - to experience what it would really and truly be like, not being a family. AND, I needed for him to move out, without that happening, we wouldn't be where we are now.

I am not saying that it is the answer nor am I saying that your H will end up feeling exactly like my H. But there comes a time when you do have to just let go - let the rope drop - and the old saying "if you love something, set it free..." really holds true (at least in my opinion). I knew in my heart of hearts, that if we were meant to be, we would be. And I thank God every day that we are.

HUGS!

[Cinderellaman]

fandgmom - beautifully said !