It's been a long roller coaster ride but the light has finally turned on in my world....Husband has been moved out for about 1 1/2 years and is now back, but I still have some concerns.... My husband's office is out of the house and when he moved out he didn't take much out of there and I got curious about a picture that was hanging up in his office and took it off the wall and opened up the back to see what it was...I thought it had something to do with the other woman and sure enough there were pictures of her hidden in there and I was hoping that once he moved back in and re-set up his office that he would take that picture down...but he didn't and he even added one picture to it that I noticed must have been in a frame....I'm positive his relationship with her in the physical sense has been over for a long time, but I'm not sure what to make of him keeping her pictures like that....I haven't said anything because I know his moving home was a very big step for him....I took the kids up north so he could have the time to himself to move in without anyone being in his way....I know he appreciated that very much....He has been very loving and not showing too many signs of being overwhelmed at being home.... ANother thing is that I have "snooped" just a little at some of his things.....I know I shouldn't be doing this because I don't want him to think I don't trust him, but maybe in a way I'm scared to trust too much... Anyone who has been through an affair and survived the other person moving out and coming back can maybe give me some advice on what to expect.... Michelle, are you out there.... According to our counselor she says to take things slowly and gently and not to expect too much too soon.....she told me not to mention the pictures at this time because she doesn't think H would have moved home if he definately didn't have things resolved....In actuallity things have been getting better as we go along....we have learned to talk about things and let each other know how we feel gently.... Our counselor said it feels a little weird because we all (kids included) have to learn how to live together again.....I'm not sure how the person who left feels when they move back home....I know my H major concern was that he did like that little bit of space that was his alone, but also knows that he can't have it both ways....I think he's trying to figure out how he make himself feel at home again.... Does anyone have any suggestions for me..... I've been waiting for this day for a long time and I don't want to jeopardize anything, but I don't want to have to walk on eggshells forever either.... Please respond if anyone can give me some advice....All of you on this board are so wonderful and we have all been through so much and I know there are so many of you that would love to be in my shoes and I'm grateful that I am too and I know that I will have to forever divorce bust in order to keep our marriage together.... God Bless
I haven't had to deal with your problem, so I can't relate, but I have read a book called "After the Affair." It's the best book on healing a relationship that I've ever read. As the title says, it's for couples who want to reconcile following such a painful betrayal. I hope you can get it.
Thanks GP for responding....I have already read that book over a year ago after I had found out about the affair.....I guess it just takes time to regain the trust back even if I thought I already had....doubts seem to creep in when you least expect them
Thanks again...maybe I'll dig the book out and re-read it..
Survivor, Hi. My advice is move slowly, don't have too many expectations too soon. I am trying to figure out how to rebuild trust DURING the affair (the PA part is supposedly on hold, but the EA is still very active), and that is one heckuva doozy. Do you darnedest NOT to snoop! It is so hard not to, as one of my friends keeps pointing out when I do it, because we are often "rewarded" for doing it by finding something we didn't know about. Your H is home. Turn you focus to your marriage and DBing and relegate the Ow to a tiny inconsequential mosquito. Congratulations on your H's return!!! Keep DBing!
I've been reading your posts and I can empathize with you because I have been through so many of the ups and downs regarding the OW....it sure is difficult and sometimes we lose sight that we are the prize....but I did finally realize that I would be OK with or without my H and I still know that now which is one MAJOR step that I have taken in the past 18 months.....I look back to when this all started and can't believe that I've actually gotten this far in my relationship with myself and with my H...I wish you only the best, but as you have read so many times on this board that you have to realize that no matter what, you will SURVIVE....as we go through this roller coaster ride we do become a better person... Thanks for you response...and I must commend you on your trip...it sounded very rough and a true test of your character which I might add is outstanding....I know how you feel when you backslide, but each time you pick yourself up faster and get back on that ride again.....Keep up the good work!
What wonderful news re your H moving home!! I am very happy for you.
I can't answer your question re trusting. It does take time. My H and I are separated, and don't have much contact. H has an Ow. I have taken a good look at myself and the relationship. I guess if my H were to come back, the way I would start trusting again, is to realize that while you can't forget, you have to wipe the slate clean. I look at H's affair as a symptom of our problems. I have no malice for Ow, because she has nothing to do with the relationship btw my H and me. I know that if we would have given each other a break and worked together, H wouldn't be in the arms of Ow. So, I think that if you keep dbing, and keep the relationship moving forward, slowly and steadily, there is no need to worry about an affair.
That is just my opinion. He's back, don't let the past haunt you.
Survivor, Great news about your H returning. Especially after being gone 1 and 1/2 yrs. You mean there is still hope after they are gone that long? Could you tell me what kind of contact you all maintained during your separation and did he let you know he was interested in working on the marriage throughout? My H has been gone a year with no sign of returning, so I'm at the end of my rope. Please let me know a little about your situation, and good luck with your new marriage. Trust will return in time, so don't push this issue with him right now. You are so lucky to have another chance at working things out, so go slowly and things will improve over time, I'm sure of it.
My situation sounds different than yours.... My H left one day and said he was going to the OW and the next day he regretted his decision and went to see a priest (he's not a religious man) and then we have been in couseling since then...that was in Feb of 99 and he moved to an apartment on his own in March of 99.....he had been very active in our lives....we kept in touch every day and saw each other almost every day....but I knew that he still had contact with the OW and he still might today but he has maintained that there is nothing going on between them and his actions do prove that but I still have my doubts at times....but I guess that's my own insecurites coming out at my weakest moments....I do know that no matter what I will be OK..... So CC, as you can see we have kept in touch throughout this whole time....our counselor said that we have a strong connection and have done very well in couseling..... I'm thrilled to have him back, but at the same time a littly leary and scared.....it seems that if you leave once, it's easy to do it again..... Good luck to you CC and if I can answer any more of your questions, please ask
