Thanks, Addie. I messed up today, though. Shot off a snotty communication to H-- bad move. Cried half the afternoon. Pretty disgusted with myself right now.
We ALL slip from time to time. I have been a master at backsliding the last 6 weeks. The important thing is that you get yourself right back on track. Maybe you can apologize to H and let him know it wasn't appropriate to say those things and just leave it at that.
Tomorrow will be a better day!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I'm sorry that you're facing this. I know it hurts. Do not give up! The great thing, you have time to turn your marriage around. Apply Michele's techniques from her book, "Divorce Remedy". In addition, visit this board, and grasp all you can. You will feel like a part of an on-line family.
Just thought I'd pop by and add another newcomer to the list. My H is MLC too and emotionally AWOL. I have been GAL-ing since last July and am almost looking forward to the time when I can have full control of my life. However, a large part of me still wants to save this M, 25 years is not to be thrown away lightly and whatever H says, there must have been plenty to keep us together as well as bring 3 gorgeous kids into the world!
I'm at the in between stage I think, so detached that I will be OK whatever the outcome but I wonder if it's possible to get so detached you'd really rather be divorced than having to cope with all the cr*p.
H - 47 Me - 44 DD - 9 DD - 8 DS - 6 Married - 25 Full blown MLC March 2007
Thanks everybody. I messed up again today. I meant to go dark, but allowed myself to be lured into an angry email exchange with H. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I knew better, but apparently haven't the necessary self-control to do this right.
I am just about at my wits' end. I think maybe I need to be a little selfish for a change, and do this just for me alone, without any expectations that it will effect the R. I need to GAL not defined by my relationship to H. If I can do that, like Maelstrom says, I might not care anymore.
We are fortunate that Michele has this site. Years ago, I don't know what I would have done without Michele and the board. It seemed like no one could understand what I was going through. My best friends were happily engaged, or happily married. At that time, I was invited to six weddings! If you want to vent, this is the right place. Please feel free to share. YOU are not alone! I promise you.
Maelstrom is right, gal. @@@@@GAL!!!!! You need to take care of yourself. Therefore, what could you do differently? Make your *GAL to-Do* list, and concentrate on you! Take on a new hobby, volunteer, visit a bookstore, get a haircut or massage, exercise, try on new make-up, learn a different language, meditate, the choice is yours. *Act as if* you are not obsessed with your marriage rollercoaster. You will feel better. You must take time to uplift yourself. At least, do it for the kids. Remind yourself that you do have a life.
The GAL teaches you self-reliance. If he wants a marriage, grrrreat. But he must come to his senses. The only way is for you to stay away from R issues, and love him at a distance. This is just for now. If you see him, show him the Andabelle who is chipper, independent, with the new look. You will catch his attention! Remember, he married you for a reason. I know, this seems overwhelming. I encourage you to read the posts, and divorce bust!
Thanks Tia. I will stop being such a crybaby and do as you say. I take it DB has brought you to a good place.
Up to this point I have just been reacting, I have to stop. Gotta learn to detach.
I have been losing weight and trying to look better, but H is getting ready to make a business trip to Brazil-- nothing I can do self-improvement-wise will put me in the same league as the top-model babage down there. Must not allow myself to think about it.
I am studying hard for the grad school entrance exam. I do need to get out more.
Thanks Tia. I will stop being such a crybaby and do as you say. I take it DB has brought you to a good place.
Up to this point I have just been reacting, I have to stop. Gotta learn to detach.
I have been losing weight and trying to look better, but H is getting ready to make a business trip to Brazil-- nothing I can do self-improvement-wise will put me in the same league as the top-model babage down there. Must not allow myself to think about it.
I am studying hard for the grad school entrance exam. I do need to get out more.
I think maybe I need to be a little selfish for a change, and do this just for me alone, without any expectations that it will effect the R.
That isn't selfish. It's self preservation. You DB for you. Your expectations, both good AND bad make this journey a crappy one when those expectations are not meet, or in the case of the bad ones are. If you get too hopeful and something doesn't happen you get hurt. If you get depressed about a bad expectation you get bitter and sour in your daily life. In regard to your H...live moment to moment without expecting anything from him.
Going to grad school will open up new opportunities for new friendships, a great way to GAL.
About angry exchanges... If you find yourself getting mad...stop talking.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I obviously have to undergo some mental reconditioning-- thinking about what you said, I realize that I consider anything I do for just for myself to be selfish and undeserved. I have to learn to believe I'm worth it.
I also see I have been setting myself up for failure by focusing too much on H's malfunctions rather than mine. I have to live with me no matter what, so I guess I'd better start fixing and liking myself.
And I won't let myself be drawn into any more angry exchanges!
If you want to vent, this is the right place. Please feel free to share. YOU are not alone! I promise you.