Long time no see! Not much has happened lately, but there seems to be a small bit of peeking going on. I have my expectations set one click below zero, buut there has been more general conversation (no R) at a more friendly level. Even some guarded invites to spend a little more time w/ family. So who knows. As long as I can keep a handle on my expectations I should be OK.
Is is so difficult not to press when we seem to be getting along fairly well. I've been working hard at being supportive, and I think it is paying off. But I'm so afraid that the niceness won't last... and I am really just kidding myself about my zero expectations. Once it turns south again I wil be as devastated as ever. But it is so nice to see the increased responses and longer conversations. There has been more "we" and "us" in the conversations - not about the future but about more mundane topics. But that hasn't happened it a long time. I will be visiting the family soon and it will be a very important time. Have to be cool...
thanks! I've done pretty good at not pressing. I think you're right about it being subconcious. We had a great conversation about something fun she is doing and she was really excited to tell me about it. I was good and didn't link it to things we have done in the past.
I was careful in the exchanges also not to mirror the we and us too much. I could actually feel myself wanting to and then seeing how by my pushing it she would have felt pressured.
As I have done in the past I almost slipped with the ILY, but caught myself at I Lll... I have done that before and put her off. This time we ended the conversation as pleasant as it started. I always want to say ILY just so she knows, but as you have told me before - she already knows that!
Is this the best course to keep on with this small bit of peeking? I suppose if I am smart (and patient)I will see a sign if and when she wants to peek out a little bit more.
Can anyone help me understand this... there still seems to be some peeking, but I feel less secure and more nervous than ever! I guess maybe it's an issue of trust, both of my own instincts and of W?
Well the small peeking continues. Spent a long weekend with W and kids and it was the smoothest time together in probably 5 months. No alone time or R talk, but shared some laughs and went out with her best friend's family. she also decided that she wanted to do a small familty get-away, which is a positive. I have continued no snooping, which I know helps both my PMA and our ability to get along. I also continue to be better at not asking questions. I realize she took these as interrogations, and in truth they were for the most part. But I have found that the less I ask the more she is telling at this point. As an example I asked how a kids event was going, and she said she was not there but told me exactly what she was doing. If I would have asked why she was not there it would have been bad :-)
I did see a fiancial analysis, though. It was not through snooping, it was in the back of the car in plain sight. It had our current budget sitch, a together budget, and an alone budget. Before I would have been mad by the implication of the worst case scenario, but now I was happy to see the time and thought she gave to at least considering a future together.
As you all know it is so difficult not to push during this time. I want to take the positives and move them forward rapidly, but so far I'm able to take it easy. I know she is busy and am respecting that by sending fewer e-mails. I feel lost though, and want to continue the good weekend...
I am also wrestling with how to show her I respect, admire, and appreciate all she is doing by herself with the kids, working, etc. I am afraid of sounding like I am just trying to say the right things to make her happy, but I rally feel strongly about this and know that she has not felt appreciated in the past. Any advice on that?
well the family trip went ok. We shared some laughs, no arguments or R talk. I actually touched her arm twice on the car ride and there was no pulling back and I gave her a kiss on the cheek when I left. She did not lean in, but she did not pull away -- just stood still.
All-in-all it was positive, which is almost more difficult than the negative times. I'm just not sure what it means, if anything at all. I kind of feel like we are almost friends, but she had been so adamant before about not spending any family time so we wouldn't confuse the kids that we are a happy family.
