I am 33 and my wife is 29. We dated/lived together for 4-1/2 years before getting married and have been married almost 2 years. In late March of this year, my wife and I closed on our first home. I found out that evening (by demanding she talk to me) that she was unhappy in our marriage and was considering separating. I was completely shocked. She said she felt that something "was missing". I also found out that she "had feelings" for a man with whom she used to work with. My wife says they "have feelings" for each other. She and he were friends at work and started discussing their "marital problems" with each other. He is married also and still lives with his wife. My wife says that she never thought of him as anything but a friend until they started talking about personal issues. She says she has kissed him also on one occasion. I was devastated and began crying and asking her many questions that night, to which most of her answers was "I don't know". We continued living together in our new house for 6 weeks with constant tension in the air although we still made small talk and did some social things together. During this time I felt as if she were a million miles away from me, she was nice to me but showed no affection at all towards me. I also know that during this time she saw "him" on occasion and talked with "him" on the phone several times a week from work and on her cell phone. About twice a week I would try to talk to her about our situation and "him" as well. She usually refused or became cold towards me, showing virtually no emotion. We are both introverts by nature and haven't communicated our feelings and needs to each other very well in the past. We started seeing a marriage counselor during the first few weeks of this as well. She has told me that she still loves me, but in a "doting" sort of way (she always wants things to be perfect for me). She has been a good wife to me. She told me that if things were too unbearable for me to continue living in the same house that I should ask her to find her own place. She also said that she was "in limbo" while living with me and couldn't come to a decision about staying together. One day at work I decided to ask her to find a place. I thought that time apart might help her make a decision. She found a place and moved out 3 weeks later (2 months after this began). She says she has doubts about our being together and is presently undecided about whether to return to me or stay on her own. She says she still loves me and has feelings for the other person (does she love him?). We are still seeing a counselor about every 2 weeks. We saw a movie together last night and had a good time, talking about many things other than our problems. Now, we both have had jobs that kept us from seeing much of each other since we got married. She frequently worked 1-10 PM shifts, including weekends while I worked 8-6 Monday-Friday. We both have been unhappy with our jobs and she will be starting a new job later this month (thank God because she REALLY hates her present job). She has never been truly "on her own" before either (parents or myself paid bills, etc…). She did spend her last semester of school in India and had doubts about us then too. She sent soon was sending letters telling me how much she loved and missed me though. What should I do and how should I attempt to win my wife's love back. I love her very much and did not realize how much until shocked with the possibility of losing her. I have read many self-help books (including Divorce Busting) and have already made many changes within my attitude and myself. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Hi gbon- It sounds like you are handling things very well. Giving your W space and avoiding initiating any relationship conversations is likely very important at this stage. As you've probably read many places on this board, it is also critical that you do things for you and focus on accentuating your positive traits that W fell in love with, while working on any of those easily procrastinated things that you'd like to change in yourself. Try to have the most positive attitude as possible around your W, making her long for your company. And, listen to all that she says and be as supportive as you can.
Perhaps her starting a new job will help alleviate some of the stress and confusion that she is experiencing. It does sound like it has been difficult for the two of you to spend much non-sleeping time around one another with the schedules you've kept. Patience is a must through all of this and just when you think you've run out you might be very surprised at the reserve supplies that you'll find deep inside. Take care and best of luck--Jamie
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