H is back and I am lost !HELP!

[Firekeeper]

after 9 mo of ow and separation h said that he agrees to try for a year to build our m (of more than 20 years).

his decision came after horrific back and forth since xmas. well, all 9 mo was horrific but the intensity of the last part was unreal. he was completely going crazy. literally.

on xmas he said he broke off with ow. i agreed to celebrate xmas as a family w/kids (we have three in their twenties). it was good/fun time. altho he was adamant and insisting and talking how he missed me, how we have this deep bonding, etc. i was not ready to ml and we didn't. right before new year he said that he still loves ow and he can't commit to our m.

on new year morning he drove to the place where i celebrated ny with my friends and was extremely loving, romantic, etc. he said all the right words (how it was a mistake, how special i am, etc), we ml. i needed to go out of town. he followed me the next day because he said he missed me. we were intimate, it was good time.

couple days later - same story - he broke off due to having strong feelings towards ow. he left he said to see his friend out of state.

he came back to say that he saw ow and he decided to broke off with her completely and to give our relationship a chance and that is his final decision.

i think he is really committed this time. yes, we reconciled, ml. but then i asked him if he had sex w/ow when he saw her last time. he honestly said that he did and it helped him to make a decision that he wants to be with me. it did it to me. i was screaming as a wounded animal. all the pain of his affair that started with him having sex with her on mothers day, couple days after ml with me, and then having to read their email exchange saturated with sexual staff that was send to me by her previous boyfriend and everything else endured for the last 9 mo - came crushing on me.

i drove off. i calmed myself down. i came back. without listening to dozens of his messages of saying that it is in the past and please give him a chance and he is committed now, etc. i helped him with urgent work staff that i promised him i would help. he left the next day on business trip for a month.

i do not have strength to build neither physical nor emotional. i've been physically sick for the last two weeks. i am recovering slowly. he is nice on the phone. he says that he misses me and want me to fly to see him. i am hanging in but...i am lost and can not find myself

[cat03]

wow, our H's must be twins, I sort of went through the same things right around xmas, him getting intimate w/ow around that tiem, got jerked around by my H who just couldnt' get himself to cut it with ow, ow clinging to him for dear life and fighting tooth and nail to keep H.
I totally understand you hon, it hurts so bad to be yanked here and there, your H like my doesn't really know what he wants, he acts on whim, ml with ow prob without thinking what that does to you, they just don't understand the horrible pain it causes us to hear that the did it.

Well, at least you guys will have time to think, I think his trip couldnt' have happen at a best time, he needs to really think things through, you need time to heal and to put yourself together and remember you deserve respect. Just me, but I wouldnt' just fly out whenever he wants you to, I know you want to, but he needs to know not everything will be played out on his terms.

Do you have a T? now would be a good time to go or start seeing one. Take care ))

[Firekeeper]

hi, cat, thank you)

my t appt is on wed. usually i go every week but last week he didn't have an opening

to tell the truth, there is only a very small part of me that wants to go to see my h. it's like there is no fire in my soul, only coals that are still warm and no spark. when we talk i have to stick to this little part of me that still cares so i would not destroy what we have.

all this time i was dbing, gal, pma, - i was driven - and now he is back and i have no strength/desire to proceed to next step.

[cat03]

it happens, once the WAS is back then we bring out our hurt feelings that were shelved for so long and we start looking at all the hurt the WAS caused.

Write down your goals, what do you want to do with your life. Feelings betray us, don't believe everything you feel, feelings are irrational. It is ok to feel blue and spent after all that has happened to you. But hold on, Piecing is as hard as holding on during separation, the battle continues.

[Firekeeper]

thank you, cat, for support)

on one level i accept that feelings can't be trusted but then, i wonder, what to trust. yes, feelings change. but why i would trust my feelings of wanting to be with my h and as a result making a goal to work on our relationship more than the feeling that i can't stand being with him and then the goal would be to end our marriage.

i hope i would feel better today. went yesterday to see c. he wanted to write out a prescription for antidepressant because of my tears were just pouring. i remembered that i still have wellbutrin left from before. c suggested to try it again. i stopped it then due to short term memory loss from it. it is a smaller dose and i may just need it for now to go through this rough time. started today.

i just want some strength to get back to exercise. i think it will make a difference.

[Concerned_Listener]

i wonder, what to trust. yes, feelings change. but why i would trust my feelings of wanting to be with my h and as a result making a goal to work on our relationship more than the feeling that i can't stand being with him and then the goal would be to end our marriage.

FK,
I would guess the thoughts and feelings regarding commitment to Piecing the M will oscillate. I understand your ambivalence, given your situation.

It will be interesting to hear once those thoughts become clear, why you are choosing to work on the M.

Exercise will help a great deal. It gives us a break from a spinning mind.

CL

[Firekeeper]

thank you CL,

i think i have thousands whys i want to work on m - kids, my love for h, our past , my commitment. well it's just four but they consists of thousands of thoughts, ideas and situations that make working on m important.

however those whys are not making enough difference for me now. i think i am making mistakes. i am becoming impatient. i am into all or nothing thinking. i told h (he is still away) that i want him to call only when he feels he wants to be with me. before he would call every day for just because or when he could not go to sleep or when he was upset. i would be nice or encouraging or sexy sometimes.

he talks is as if nothing has happened. kinda like we are friends with benefits. he said that he wants to try to build relationship with me but he doesn't know if it will be successful because there are some things about me that he doesn't know he can live with. he said that he feels he has deep connection to me but he is not having feelings towards me (it doesn't stop him to be sexual). he said that he still have feelings for ow.

i know that he can't reverse his feelings immediately. i know that we need to be first friends and then built from there. but i do not want to be friends with him if he still has feelings for ow and still his commitment to our m is so not committing and conditional. i do not want to be friend with the person who do not value commitment to m.

for v-day i send him couple e-cards. he only called to say happy v-day. i emailed him saying that he might forgot that i like when someone does something special for me. he sent me a very funny v-day card. i responded back with a fun appreciation email. then emailed him more, just short emails re our conversation, etc. then i felt that i am needy, too smothering, having too much expectations, too much depend on what he thinks and i think i am. so i told him that i am stepping back.

i know it is about me. i am feeling depressed. AD kicked me out of the deep end but do not do anything else and due to side effects i would need to discontinue its anyway. I did make myself exercise every other day this week.

cat - i feel discouraged to make any goals because i struggle to believe that i would accomplish them. altho reality is different - if i make a big goal it would take me a while but i would accomplish it.

but with the rest of my life i recognize myself in what RJ said "...definitely sounds like ... ADD traits, needing to push the limits to create tension and drama ( stimulation) in order to organize to act responsibly..." I am on meds for add as well but i do not know if they are helping.

i am constantly looking for (reading, researching) ways to deal w/ depression and add, or improving m, or self-improvement. but it is backfires - i do not have time to live. i am not financially independent. i do work but only part time and the job i do not enjoy.

actually these are the goals for myself - to become financially independent and to have a job that i love. the difficulty is that i had them for a while and i am far from accomplishing them.

[Firekeeper]

Quote:
"...In truth, a very big part of your success comes from your willingness to look for the most you can get out of a post, even if you disagree with it at the time. In those cases, sometimes you might find yourself changing your mind, in other cases not. But, you still took as much as possible from the posts. Indeed, when something makes you uncomfortable or angry in a post, you seem to take special care to absorb it and give it careful consideration. Sure, at times you get defensive (who doesn't), but you have always come right back to the subject matter that made you defensive and worked through it, rather than letting the initial defensive reaction be a barrier to progress.

A lot of folks on the boards are stuck in their comfort zone, though the zone often doesn't look too comfy. Let's see. We can identify:

• the long suffering righteous spouse zone
• the I'm-so-healthy-admire-me-don't-notice-my-weaknesses zone
• the victim zone
• the poor-me-I'll-never-trust-or-love-anyone-again zone
• the no-one-else-gets-my-sitch zone
• the I'm-right-WAS-is-wrong zone
• the oh-my-the-depth-of-my-love-can-only-be-proven-by-total-self-sacrifice-and-martyrdom-on-my-part zone
• the OP-is-the-evil-source-of-my-problems zone
•the S-is-crazy-I-am-too-wonderful-for-words zone
...or its close relative...
• the S-is-crazy-why-doesn't-my-condescending-pity-for-S-bring-S-home zone.
• the I-can't-base-my-decisions-on-how-to-take-care-of-my-own-happiness-based-on-what-is-actually-happening-because-that-would-mean-it-is-actually-happening zone AKA the ostrich-head-in-sand zone
• the I-can't-be-happy-without-S zone
• the passive-aggressive-what-a-wonderful-spouse-I-am-I-will-hurt-you-in-a-thousand-invisible-ways-to-extract-my-revenge zone
• the when-will-S-finally-rescue-me zone
• and, finally, the nearly universal and usually combined with other zones, the I-can't-detach-to-give-S-space-to-grow-and-learn-what-S-wants-for him/herself-because-I-am-too-needy-and-scared-although-I-say-it-is-because-I-can't-love-S-and-be-detached zone

Your secret to success is that you were NOT all about staying in your comfort zone. It is for that reason that you profited by being shaken up a bit now and then..."

ok, except for the second one i am in all of the zones(((((((((((

and the last is a major one for me

realization is all good, the question where get the strength and motivation to get out

[appleroad]

I find it helpful to think of MLC H as being mentally ill. This cuts through a lot of murkiness for me. I don't expect consistent logical thoughts or reactions from him. It's better than a spouse who has come down with Alzheimer's in some ways. And in other ways it's worse. In any case, if you've decided to hang in there with your sick spouse -- which is a very noble thing to do IMHO -- you need to protect yourself from being hurt by his symptoms. If you can pull this off, then you can enjoy him, because part of him is still there (like with Alzheimer's) It's possible he will recover from this illness (unlike Alzheimer's)

Best of luck, firekeeper.

[Sara]

Firekeeper,

Retrouvaille could help you and your husband. Look at their website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org. They talk about the 4 stages of a marriage. The 3rd stage is Misery. That is where you are now. A Retrouvaille weekend can be the turning point that ends the misery stage and helps you to let go of the mistakes of the past. The website will give you dates and locations of weekends all over the world. They have an excellent success rate -- over 50%. Retrouvaille saved my marriage. I have no doubt that if we had never gone to Retrouvaille, we would be divorced now instead of happily married.