GG - sorry, but I seem to have lost track of a posting from you that I had breezed through last week and wanted to come back and read more thoroughly. Can you redirect me there?
In it you talked about sometimes feeling like you were "prostituting yourself" for your marriage.
Thanks Sue Ann
(I'm off to another meeting/conference/etc. tomorrow - washed the sheets today, will have the lint brush out for the blonde hair Friday - also have the "linen spray" in my favorite scent ready for spritzing when I leave in the morning! Dump Scum - WATCH OUT!!! So, I'm not totally "free of it all" )
Sue Ann, I have no idea where I posted that, or in what context it was. I did a search, but couldn't locate it either. Maybe someone else remembers what I spewing about at that moment. Sorry.
I do remember you saying something like that. I believe you were talking about your H having his own apt. yet he would spend nights at your house and in your bed. Does that ring a bell?
Sue Ann, Although I cannot remember the exact context, I think the main theme was like Patience said; H was living apart during the week, but sleeping with me at our house on the weekends. We had always had a very good, uninhibited, sex life and neither of us wanted to give it up during the separation. Even though I was very angry at him, and so hurt by him, I conciously made the decision not to withhold that from him. Plus, if you recall, he just HAD to have a vasectomy and why should I miss out on the post-vasectomy benefit? (Yes, I was tested for STDs and HIV a couple times during and after that timeframe.)
I do think it served to keep him very confused. Which, seemed intuitively to me, to be a good thing. (I believed that if he was confused, then he wasn't 100% sure about a future with the ho. And as long as he remained confused, I had a chance to get him home and working on "us". I had it in my head that unconditional love, meant loving him completely, even though I had to act as if, quite a bit, to get past the anger. So, I could probably win an academy award for porn if there were such a thing. I tried to focus on the "end zone", "goal post", "home plate". It usually worked, and I didn't have to fake it.
Now, I took a lot of heat on that decision. From everyone...my kids (who knew he where he was sleeping when he came to the house), my parents and some of my friends. It got to the point where if someone had the cajones to ask me about it, I just told them "I'm using him for sex, and since we're still married, I am allowed" (which wasn't entirely untrue). They stopped bringing it up. I figured it wasn't anybody's business but mine.
Even after he came home, one day my d was mad at me for something (can't remember what) but she thought she'd score a few extra punches by throwing in "...and I'll never understand why you kept sleeping with daddy after you kicked him out." My son understands now, but at first, he lectured me on it, and told me I was sick for trying to get him back like that. He was very angry and told me if I didn't get rid of him, he was going to. (He was home on leave from the Navy for whoop ass day---the day in April 99, when I "invited my h to leave." Instead, he left the house and stayed at a friend's for the rest of his leave time.
It got pretty ugly. They all tried to make me feel guilty and dirty. So, yeah, there were times when I felt like I was prostituting myself. Would I do it again like that? I don't know. Probably not, because I am determined not to go through this again. It was like fighting a battle for someone's soul. True guerilla-warfare style. You do what you have to do to survive. But if my h decides again that he prefers someone else, that's it for me. He'll be the loser, not me. I will have no problem walking away next time, and I will KNOW in my heart that I did in fact, do everything humanly possible to keep my family intact. But like my friend PJM, over on Cheers says...sometimes there's just not enough glue.
I'm not saying I would recommend my methods. Everybody is different, and for some people it really helps. One purpose sex serves is to achieve an emotional closeness that you can't get any other way. It also takes care of biological needs, eases frustration and stress (some even say it cures acne---don't know, I never had that problem). And it's fun! So, if you're not emotionally, or mentally opposed to having sexual relations with your spouse, I don't see anything wrong with it.
SueAnn, If this isn't what you meant, I apologize for all the dirty details. If it is, I hope it helps. Have a good conference. Don't stress too much about the hairs. I found 6" straight black hairs in my bed, back in the fall of 98. I know how it feels, but I think it feels worse thinking you have to check up on him. Believe me, you can drive yourself nuts with the what ifs. Spray that cologne on your sheets. If she's in your bed, at least you'll know she's squirming in it.
OK, I'm REALLLLYYYYY late getting out of town, I'm going to be driving until 11:00 tonight. Just wanted you all to feel sorry for me - LOL.
GG - Thanks, that's what I meant (I think) and it has helped. I'll respond more fully when I get back. I remember your hint about the cologne from my Feb. trip and used it again this morning! Also put up a new picture next to the bed of H & I VERY HAPPY and Cuddly at the wedding last weekend! Hee, hee.
thanks for all the support. Talk to you when I get back.
Hey folks, Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily recommending what I did. It hurt. A lot. And their were times that I always questioned myself. And, I got a lot of guff from the kids. But, in our case, we got lucky. (pardon the pun)
As for the STD concern....First, when I found out about the affair, I insisted he get tested, he said he didn't need it as it was only oral sex (ONLY?) Anyway, I insisted and he got tested. Since he was negative, I got tested some months later. Then he got retested. Since I had always been monogamous, I knew that if he was negative, so was I. Of course, when I got tested, I had the full work up, vag cultures, etc. Also, condoms are useful in preventing the spread of STD's if you use them during the time while h is tomcatting around.
My biggest concern was that h told me that the ho suspected that her LTR (which ended just prior to her throwing herself at my h) was actually bisexual. I got sick to my stomach when he told me that one. I wondered how he could touch her knowing that? But I guess he somehow felt sorry for her. The other thing that made me sick was when she told one of my good friends (my godchild's mother) that her new boyfriend (my h) was a better lover than her LTR. (Ho didn't know of my close friendship with the woman she confided in.) But, I digress....
Incidentally, h and I were invited to a wedding this weekend for a co-worker. I asked my h if ho would be there. He said he didn't know. I asked him if the bride and she were friends, and he said they were cube-mates at work. (GREAT!) So, if she shows up, we will just put in our appearance, and make a quick exit. I don't want to hang out in a small hall with the ho right under my nose.
Well, that's all for now. I'll talk to you later. Daughter returns from Europe in 2.5 hours. I am so excited! Can't wait to see my baby girl! hugs all, GG
)
Sorry.
(which wasn't entirely untrue). They stopped bringing it up. 
I figured it wasn't anybody's business but mine. 