His smoking IS something that you have the right to ask him to change. The senses play a HUGE role in sex, especially the sense of smell. People that smoke do have a smell to them. Showers don't take it away. So ASK him to quit to help YOU in your quest for better sex.
As for turning down sex, you can do this, but it is better if you make an appointment for it at a better time, and then KEEP that appointment. My guess is that your husband will accomodate, as long as the appointments are kept.
Smoking has bothered me for a very long time. My father and many of my relatives smoked when I was growing up and I didn't find the smell at all comforting.
My aunt, who babysat me part time while my mother worked, was a heavy smoker. (I was about 5.) I remember what she smoked (Newports), I remember her cigarette case with the purse snap at the top, and I remember the funny little stamp at the bottom of the packs. When I see that very same stamp at the bottom of c's cig packs I remember my aunt fondly. Cigarettes remind me of my aunt. She died of smoking-related cancer shortly after my son was born. I've also lost an aunt and uncle (married to each other) due to smoking, and have another uncle who is currently a lung cancer survivor.
I remember when I was college-age having asthma attacks at my aunt's house, and having to go outside to get some fresh air. My cousin, a fellow asthma sufferer and smoker told me to get some pill that would help me breathe better because it worked for her.
Cancer isn't sexy, and that what smoking means to me.
This is not the same as suggesting that if I try lobster a few more times I might acquire a taste for it. (I can tell you that I have *tried* to like lobster and I just don't like it, period.) Anyway, there is nothing inherently dangerous to me for eating lobster. It doesn't harm me or my husband or my son. It is just food. You can't say the same about a habit that kills people. There is not a single positive aspect to smoking and everyone reading this knows that.
So, no, I will not try to see cac's smoking as sexy or manly or erotic. But I will try to do a better job of asking him for what I need, when I need it.
It helps. It all helps, even the posts I don't agree with.
One of my other struggles is my concern for hurting cac's feelings. Talking about smoking with him and on here makes me feel like I'm on thin ice. I hate knowing that I might be making him feel bad about a habit that I'm sure already makes him feel bad. But I know that if I don't speak up from time to time I am not being honest with him or myself. Still, it makes me uncomfortable that we're talking about it, even though I brought it up.
Thinking about cac's scent....I have experienced his actual scent a few times when he tried to quit. It was quite amazing. *He* doesn't inherently smell bad. The smoke smells bad. *He* doesn't turn me off. The smoke turns me off.
I have a hard time leaning on others. I also have trouble asking for support. I am getting better at asking cac to come with me to appointments where I would like his support. It wasn't that I wanted him but didn't ask, it was that I thought I should be able to handle it myself. Stiff upper lip sort of thing. It's nice to allow him to be there for me because it feels good and it helps build our bond.
But honestly - don't we really have normal desire? We each have a young child - and that alone is so draining. How many nights do you get him to bed to literally just fall down on your own bed and pass out?
What is normal, anyway? I actually have more energy for sex now than I ever did. The workday and commute really didn't agree with me and left me exhausted. But, now I'm fortunate that I can be a SAHM which I think does agree with me. It's challenging, certainly, but doesn't drain me like my office job did. When my son was a baby I was overwhelmed, but that was mostly because I had no idea what I was doing. I do have days when I want to collapse, but they are the exception now, not the rule. I plan to return to work maybe this fall if S4 can go to full-time K. I'm going to work close to home, perhaps as a classroom aide.
LS, didn't you say that you are the primary breadwinner? I used to be years ago and I felt enormous pressure. cac went back to school 12 years ago for an IT program, and soon after took over the breadwinner position. It was a welcome relief for me and I'm sure it is part of the reason that our R has been transformed. I never wanted to be the breadwinner and I didn't have a big powered career. It just worked out that way. cac lost his slot to be a Navy pilot when they discovered that he had a heart defect. It took him a long time to figure out what to do career-wise, but he did it and I'm so proud of him!
It's good to know that my posts have helped you. I'm glad that the taking turns thing is working for you guys. You wrote once that you were afraid of starting something you couldn't finish, and that is exactly what my fear is regarding putting myself out there asking for cac to shower so we can have sex. But, I know that I can finish it if I just give myself half a chance.
I'm not suggesting that you try to learn to like Cac's smoking. It is very bad for him physically and certainly it is painful to know that he is hurting his health. My ex-H is a smoker, current H is not. I far prefer not having to worry about H's health in that way, not paying for cigarettes out of the family budget and not dealing with smoker's breath etc.... I'm just suggesting that under the right conditions something that has negative associations can be associated with some positives even if the objective reality is negative. My Grandfather quit smoking at some point years before he died and in those years the association was so strong that when I would hug him I still could almost smell that smell. That being said, I am thrilled beyond belief that there is no smoking in restaraunts where I live etc... I know it seems preposterous but in sexuality we often tune out distractions and tune in on other things. For example, we tune out a partners fat rolls and tune in the softness of the skin. Is Cac willing to try to give up smoking? Is this about something else about smoking other than the smell?? These are rhetorical questions. I don't expect an answer but your answer to me suggests that the smell is the least of the issue.
I think all smokers are aware that smoking is hard on their bodies and on those around them, but sometimes the addiction is too strong. Like with any problem, they have to decide they want to change.
Not to scare cac here, but my father died at age 65 due to a massive heart attack. He had smoked from age 13 - 2 packs a day. He never had the chance to meet my husband, or his granddaughter. I miss him every day.
I am envious of you being a SAHM. I'm sure it does help with the energy level.
Yes - I am the higher breadwinner. Fortuantely and unfortunatly, I am a corporate exec. I doubt if I would be in this position if I hadn't reached it before pregnancy. My hope is that, if I work for a few more years, maybe 8, then I can be a SAHM. I think since my H is 50, retirement feels closer to him and he likes the idea of making our nest egg as big as possible. So, he doesn't want me to quit. Some days, it is really hard to walk out the door and leave my D. I miss her a lot. Other days, I can hold onto the future and being able to be more involved with her and her school once I quit.
My H does a good job of investing all of our money so that I will be able to quit asap. It's just not as soon as I would like! I do appreciate him taking care of all the finances and insurance, but I think he forgets sometimes that I have this high pressured job and it does affect my energy level.
Somehow, I think the HD/LD issue is more about levels than building the passion and maintaining intimacy. I know others will disagree, but don't you think you have to do things to keep falling in love over and over again? Or at minimum, remember why you fell in love with this person? and then just be kinder when your desires aren't matching? I don't know, it is all very frustrating, but I'd like to believe when their are children involved there is always hope.
I miss opportunities for sex because I am afraid to ask him/tell him. It's not because he won't take the shower. It's because I am still uncomfortable asking.
BTW, Mojo, I find it interesting that you found the smell of smoke to be erotic. More power to you. But as you said, I need to own my preferences and make decisions based on them, and this is a big one.
I think one of Schnarch's major messages is that fusion causes this kind of fear. Also, talking openly about sexual issues is difficult for most people. I mean I'm pretty straight-forward on this anonymous BB but in real life when men question me about my preferences I can be kind of bashful. Also, it often is the case that our preferences and functioning changes with context and a variety of circumstances. For instance, I might honestly tell a man that I like manual better than oral but that's not always true. If Cac suddenly became very LD you might find that your tolerance for smoke-smell sex would go up after a while without any sex. That's why it's so hard for HDfolk to recognize that they've started settling for crap sex. That mealy-bug infested oatmeal starts to taste pretty good after a month on the desert island.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Sometimes you surprise me, and this has been one of those times.
I disagree that I have the right to ask cac to change. He knows that I don't like the fact that he smokes, but it is up to him to decide to quit. I have the right to set boundaries pertaining to how the smoking impacts me.
I do agree that the senses play a huge role in sex. They play a huge role in life, in general for me.
And yes, I'm feeling more comfortable with the idea of, well, let's call it "postponing" sex.
At this point I don't care to discuss cac's smoking any further. I think I'm glad that I brought it up because I've gotten more insight into myself. I just hate the thought of beating a dead horse, kwim?
you have the right to ask. period. Just has he has the right to refuse. that goes for pretty much anything. you can always *ask*. It's when you demand or expect him to comply, that it isnt right.
for smoking, though, you have a right, above and beyond the regular.
Even if you were fine with the smell.. your husband smoking, affects YOU. It's not just about him. It affects the length of time you will have him as a husband, due to reduction of lifespan issues. It affects the quality of life you will have with him, during the last years of his life. It greatly increases the chance that you may have to spend his final years, as his nursemaid in one form or another.
His choice to keep smoking, is a choice that will affect YOU, DIRECTLY, as his wife, in the future.
Therefore, you have more than a simple right to ask him to stop for his own sake.
You have a right to ask him to stop doing something that is going to end up hurting you directly in the future.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
And does that apply if your spouse is overweight? After all, obesity is linked to all sorts of maladies later in life, including diabetes, heart problems etc. Where do you draw the line between a request and a right?
I don't know how to encourage someone to start losing weight, but giving her lots of attention, buying her some hot new outfits, having as much vigorous fun with her as you can in and out of the bedroom, and generally getting her to thoroughly enjoy being thin with a touch of regret at all the years she missed out on all that fun through not taking care of herself seems to do the trick in encouraging her to stick with it.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
