I havn't posted in a very long time but have continued to read many of your posts...to update you on my situation...found out H had an affair in Sept 98 and he couldn't decide who he wanted...moved out in Nov 98 to his Mom's while continueing with both relationships, but did move back home somewhat ..then decided in Feb 99 to move in with OW and that only lasted a day and realized he didn't want that and asked if we could have another chance...he went to see a priest and both of us went...he moved out into his own apt in March of 99...we then went to counseling, his suggestion, and he did stop seeing OW...I do think they talk periodically, but I know it's over. Throughout the past year we have grown alot and have worked on our relationship...the problem I have now is that he has been home pretty much the last month and doesn't seem to want to give up his apartment...he rarely goes there and I don't think he even knows why he needs it other than a place to excape. I don't know if I should just be more patient and eventually he will move what little he has there (it's a small furnisehd efficiency). I did ask him last month and he said he's working on coming back....I'm not so sure what he's so afraid of...other than the statement he made that if it didn't work this time he thought then it would probably be over for good and I think that is really scaring him....he's not one to open up easily and puts up a wall. I don't talk OR very much because I know it's a very difficult thing for him, but I do let him know how I feel, without placing any blame. We've learned how to communicate nicely, but OR talks are always more stressful...so I limit them. A DB technique...So if anyone out there can give me any advice...Johnswife, I know you've been through alot...how are things with you? Maybe you can give me some advice...and Michelle, could you please respond....we have come so far and I don't want to ruin things by being impatient...or is it simply time to make the permanent move. I told him I wasn't giving any time frame or ultimatums, but I thought it was time. God Bless everyone one of you DB 'er out there. I know how tough it can be and what a roler coaster ride it is...but a better relationship is on the other end...
Survivor, My H still has his apartment too-- and for that matter the bimbo still lives there with her brother. H had originally told me that he would just pay half the rent for Mar and Apr til bimbo and her brother could afford to pay it on their own... but he is still paying. At first this bothered me, but then I thought, do I want him paying rent and living with me or paying rent and living with her. Hm... decided on the first one... Okay, I have resolved myself to the fact he will keep paying on it until the lease is up. When is your H's lease up? H still has stuff at the apt, too. If your H isn't really spending time there any more, my suggestion is let it go. It is a small price to pay to have him at home and at some level working on the marriage. At least your all's income isn't being spent to support an OW! My H views the paying on the rent until the lease is up as a way to "protect" his options. We all have our ways to build escape routes, I have to allow this as my H's. Act as-if the apartment doesn't exist. That is just my 2 cents.... but granted my H hasn't committed to being home and he hasn't broken it off with bimbo (but I think the contact is lessening or else he is becoming better at going behind my back--- I'd prefer to believe the first until I have further proof). Hang in there!! From your summary, you and your H have come a really long way. Don't let this apartment become a big issue when it really shouldn't be. (Of course, to us emotionally, it feels like a big deal!!) Laters, SbyS
To answer your question about the lease...it's a month to month lease.... I suppose in alot of ways you are right...it is definately an emotional thing for me...I don't want to come off as controlling him, but it's been a long time coming to get this far....we have been married 16 years and have 3 children....alot to consider.... Thanks for your advice...and keep up the PMA...you seem to be doing well...I've read some of your posts and I have been through alot of the OW being in the picture and I know it's not easy... I look forward to any advice I can get Thanks again
Funny, I just read SS posts and as I read yours I was going to suggest to you to read hers!! My W is planning on moving home June 1st. The lease is up the end of July and W stated several months ago that she wouldn't stay there anyhow after the leasr was up (as it would increase and be to much $$$). When W first said she would move in June 1, I thought maybe she would talk to the landlord to see about getting out early. I've sense picked up on small things that she may keep the lease open as well until it runs out. Good news in my case is that it will run out in July, so I'll focus on the big picture and simpll 'let it ride'. Maybe that will help in that you just tell yourself 'OK the apt will be there for the next ?? monthes' and resolve yourself to accept that. The decision will be made to yourself and the issue will not be an issue for the next ?? months because you, to yourself, have already resolved it. Good Luck!!!
Hi! S & Nathan have given you good advice. I would let it ride for a while. H needs to feel his safety line is there, that doesn't mean he has to use it. Don't give him a reason to. Just back off and keep up dbing. The best thing is that he's home and he's trying. Don't do anything that will make him feel any pressure. If he feels pressure from you in any way, he will perceive it as an attmept to control him, and he will try to prove to you that he is beyond your control, read: he will retreat to his hideaway.
You are in a real good position. Hold it firm and steady, but gently. Good luck. GG
Hi Survivor 1 it sounds like you are doing a great job at DBing. GG has given you good advice and the same thing that I would tell you. Patience my dear you want him to decide to give up the apartment because he wants to and each day that you keep on doing what you are doing he is getting closer to that point. For me even when our therapist told me she thought it was time I put a little more pressure on my H to make a decision I told her I didn't want to do that. You see I only wanted him to decide to stay home if that is what he wanted. By that time I knew I would be fine no matter what he decided and he knew it too. That I am sure brought him closer to me. He admits that the reason he decided to stay was because of the way I reacted to the OW and the whole mess. I was lucky I found this site and GG and others before I had a chance to do a lot of the wrong things. For that I am very grateful.
I do recommend a good therapist recommended by Michele if possible. My H went at first because I told him I needed it to help me deal with everything. He was just there to tell the therapist that he was committed to someone else but didn't want to hurt me any more than he already had. She said she couldn't help us in joint therapy as long as we both wanted different outcomes. She suggested seperate sessions for a while. This scared me because I knew he was just going to go in there and say he wants out. But after a few days I realized that he needed someone to talk to in order to sort things out in his own mind and this would be our best chance to fix this mess. It took about 3 or 4 months of seperate sessions for my H to change his mind. Try to get your H to go to even seperate therapy if you can with a pro-marriage therapist.
We are doing well and OW has been out of the picture probably since his 3rd month in therapy however he didn't tell me that for a while later. When we decided with the therapist to discontinue the sessions H agreed to go to Retrouvaille at my request. We are going in July. I am hoping this weekend will help us rebuild our relationship. You see I still don't want to settle for so so marriage. After all of this garbage I had to deal with I want to make sure that H's moral compass is properly tuned and that he is somehow still the man I used to think he was before I found out he crossed the line.
I am rambling here but I do still have unresolved feelings. He just wants me to put it behind me and forget it. I am trying but it is going to take some time for me.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 05-16-2000).]
Thank you Nathan,GG & Johnswife for replying...you all say the same thing...to let it go for now...maybe he's testing us to see if what has been working will continue to work while he's at home and the apartment is just his safety net...and you are right...I have to continue the DBing to keep this marriage going...I can understand wanting a safety net....we have been going to a pro marriage counselor for over a year and we have gone both seperate and joint sessions...she is pro marriage and has helped us alot...we haven't gone in a while because we haven't had any issues that have come up other than the apartment one...and she too says to let it go for a while....I guess what more advice can I ask for....I have learned patience throughout all of this and sometimes I want to just move on and realize that we are moving at his pace, which is slow but our counselor said he's a slow mover at relationship stuff because of his background, but feels when the decision is made that it would be a permanent one....I will be patient and keep up my PMA...I'll keep reading all of your wonderful posts and keep you posted Thanks again to all of my DB friends from this forum.... God Bless
It feels so great to me to read the advice you're getting because so many in this loving community understand the DB principles exceedingly well. Now's not the time to pressure your H, just as our friends are suggesting. You may feel your H is moving slowly, but you have to be patient. You've heard this from so many people. Now you have to take it to heart and become an expert DBer! It aint easy! But if you read the success stories posted on this web site, you will see that those who have rekindled their love have learned the true meaning of patience. So, take another deep breath and join the ranks of other successful divorce busters. Come here for support and suggestions and even a little letting-off-steam-activity. Just don't lose sight of your goal. We're rooting for ya! Michele
My H views the paying on the rent until the lease is up as a way to "protect" his options. We all have our ways to build escape routes, I have to allow this as my H's. Act as-if the apartment doesn't exist. That is just my 2 cents.... but granted my H hasn't committed to being home and he hasn't broken it off with bimbo (but I think the contact is lessening or else he is becoming better at going behind my back--- I'd prefer to believe the first until I have further proof).
But if you read the success stories posted on this web site, you will see that those who have rekindled their love have learned the true meaning of patience. So, take another deep breath and join the ranks of other successful divorce busters. Come here for support and suggestions and even a little letting-off-steam-activity. Just don't lose sight of your goal. We're rooting for ya!