Here I go again...

[Racer Chick]

Here I go again...Yes over the last couple of months I have been contemplating getting a divorce but have been riding the fence, swaying back and forth from one side to the other. I have been having a PA and EA for well over a year now with someone who I honestly thought I could spend my life with. But since H found out that I was contemplating leaving him, H does not know about the A, H has become a different man. Yes there are still problems that we need to work on, with a C once he finally gets around to getting an appt. But we are actually communicating on a better level than we have in years. I have been in C since Nov, trying to figure out what to do with the sitch, at one time during C I was ready to leave and call it quites. But then something happened, what I can't really put my finger on.
From the begining of the PA I had problems with that, because I am married and H had a PA on me a couple of years ago. I really thought that this was not a revenge type of thing but maybe deep down it was. In C we have talked about that a couple of times and maybe it is but like I said at first it was not. I really think that it is truly a cry for help or the attention that we are so despratly needing and not getting from our M. Obviously that is why we step out of the M to get the emotional and physcial needs satisfied. We are all selfish in one way or another. I even went as far as to ask the OM that and his answer was "No because you are going to leave your H and M me." Yes at one time that was true, but now is not anymore.
I still have contact with OM for the time being, I will though be breaking things off completly by the end of next week. I am waiting to do it because I don't want him and H to run into each other at a concert that I know we will both be at on Tuesday. Yes H does know who he is but does not know the extent of the R that I have with OM. H still thinks that we are just friends and that is it.
Sorry I did not go into much history here but look back at my other posts and you should be able to get the jist of it. Comments questions ask away...

[ntl]

Hiya,

I'm not really sure how to respond to your post except to say that if you really want your marriage to work, you really need to do the following:

1) cease all contact with the OM immediately

2) take a deep, hard look at yourself and think about what you were missing from your M that made you look elsewhere

3) you need to be up front about those needs with your H as he will need to know what you need from the M (and maybe you'll need to recognize that you can't get all those needs met in your M and that you either need to let them go, or find a non-threatening way to deal with them)

This is what most of us who are the LBS's need from our spouse's. And in my opinion, it's the only way we can try to build anything real and lasting from what we've got.

Personally, I also think you should be up front with your H about what happened between you and the OM. JMO, I am sure others have differing ideas on that.

Regards,

ntl

[Racer Chick]

1) cease all contact with the OM immediately

2) take a deep, hard look at yourself and think about what you were missing from your M that made you look elsewhere

3) you need to be up front about those needs with your H as he will need to know what you need from the M (and maybe you'll need to recognize that you can't get all those needs met in your M and that you either need to let them go, or find a non-threatening way to deal with them)

1- this will happen by the end of next week. This I am sticking with cuz I know it needs to happen for me to even start to try and get things better between H and I.

2- I have done this and there are several things. First and formost is that H have never supported me in any of the things that I do. I have pin pointed the event when things started to go down hill. It was when I mentioned that I wanted to head back to college to get my bachlors degree. It was met with great objection, and he made me feel like there was no way that I could ever accomplish anything. And for right now that is something that I have not brought up to him because he does not want to go back to the past. I was waiting to being that up in counseling. H has NEVER supported anything that I have wanted to do but I have always been the 'good little wife' and stood by and let him do what he wants to. I have never been really apprecated either, he always assumes that dinner will be done and laundry clean, even though we both work 40 plus hours a week and have numerous activties on top of run our D places. He never listens to anything that I have to say or my opinion on anything, its his way or the highway, if you know what I mean. He is ALWAYS right. But I have figure out one thing, when I am right he stops discussing the problem with me.
3- H and I have had a couple good talks and I think he knows what is missing. But it still has not sunk in.

Now as for telling I am still not sure when that is going to happen, I figured that would be something that we will need to cover in C. My C says its up to me when I say anything.

[stumped1245]

Hey Racer Chick,

Just a couple questions to ask.

Did your H come out and say "NO" to your going back for your Bachelor's? When you say it was "met with great objection", just how did he object? Are you certain that what you perceive to be his thoughts are truly his thoughts?

It's not that I think you're making things up or anything like that, but I have found that sometimes when my H was silent or non-responsive, it wasn't because he disapproved, he just didn't really have a response. And, to tell you the truth, it took me A LONG TIME to understand that about him.

There have been a lot of things I had to figure out about my H as to whether or not I was willing to accept. And the more I thought about things, and when I chose to look for the positives, I realized that the sitch's weren't as bad as I had always thought. It's AMAZING how our minds can go astray with negative thoughts and it actually takes A LOT of practice and trusting God to believe the positives. It's a learned trait, that's for certain.

Anyway, just some ? to help you think. Hope it helps.

(Also, if you want something to help understand men's thoughts, you REALLY need to see this: http://www.laughyourway.com/video/ I never understood men's thoughts about 'nothing' until after I saw this video.) BTW, if it doesn't come up just search for "Tale of Two Brains" by Mark Gungor.

[runningoutoftime]

If you don't have children then the decision is much easier.

But if you do decide to stay together.... do not have children! That would be a mistake.

[chocolateeyes]

Racer Chick,

So because he objected to you going back to school to get your degree, and is not a good listener, you felt justified in having an affair? That's what your post sounds like.

Or do you regret it, and just don't know how to end it?

As others have said, if you're serious about saving your marriage, you need to end this immediately, and come clean with your husband.

I wish you well.

Choc.

[Racer Chick]

Stumped, Yes he did, he said that at my age it would not pay off, at the time I was 32. He figured that we would end up paying about 20k for something that I would never go after. Well I had and have a solid plan, computer administration, with marketing classes thrown in there for a little bit of an added punch for employablity. So I think that all he heard was the price tag for me to go back and he would then have to make some sacrifices.

OK to clarify something to the others, H had an affair 4 years ago, so no I was not justifying having an A because he would not let me go back to school. You see the discussion about me going back to school was before he had his A. I shut down to him because of the rejection and objection to the thought of me going back to school to possibly out earn him.

Choc, I guess part of it is not knowing how to end it. I have tried several times before to end things and for what ever reason things just kept going on. I have talked to the OM over the last week or so but have not seen him since last Friday night. I have not replied to any e-mails that he has sent, etc. I have set up a new email account and I am planing on deleting the other one that I have that he knows, along with my myspace account that will be deleted also.

I don't feel justified in having an A. I know what it did to me to find out about H's A, wow was that a horrible time. I think H does suspect something is going on just because he is reacting about the same that I did when he would go out with OW, as friends.

I do think having a child has made me rethink what I am doing and for what reasons that I am doing it.

My C says that I need to set a date for it to end and I have. As I said before I will do it before the end of the week. It's actually looking like Wednesday, the day after the concert. No we are not going together, I got H to the concert for Christmas and OM desided to get tickets only after I told him that I had them for H.

Also my C has given me something to think about. Why OM is getting in to R with people that he can not have or that are hard on him. Previous R of his was a bit rough, girl was bi-polar and would not always take the meds. But he knew what he was getting into with me from the start, I am married. I know that I was selfish about it all and I am sorry about that to both H and OM, and heck even to D.

[runningoutoftime]

Also my C has given me something to think about. Why OM is getting in to R with people that he can not have or that are hard on him. Previous R of his was a bit rough, girl was bi-polar and would not always take the meds. But he knew what he was getting into with me from the start, I am married. I know that I was selfish about it all and I am sorry about that to both H and OM, and heck even to D.

Yeah, OM sounds like a real winner.

[Racer Chick]

OM does have his issues but is not all THAT bad. I don't want to defend him in any way, honestly we all have our own problems, and reasons why we do things. That is what make the world go around.

Now update, I still have not had THE TALK with OM about not seeing him anymore. Why not looking forward to the unpleasentness of it all I guess. But I will have it done by next week, and no I will not take it out another week, I can't keep pretending all is good there.

But now on to better things...H and I went to the concert on Tuesday night it was AWSOME, and we had a really good time. Even though SIL tagged along. Then this upcoming Thursday, Valentine's Day we have tickets to yet another concert, these tickets we won. But we are planning on heading out to dinner before hand and then the concert. So we are doing things together but obviously there are still some things that we need to work out.

H finally got us an appt for C. That is on the 20th earliest that we could get in. So in reality I do have a cut off date for OM, I don't want him to be in the immedaiate picutre when we go. Another thing that my C said that I should do is to take the lead, bring the problems that I have to the talble first, because H is still not quite sure what went wrong.

I will type more later H is coming to get me for lunch.

[SueS]

Racer-

It's nice that you and your H had a great time and that you have plans together again and that you're going to see a C.

I know you may feel that you're being hammered a bit by us on this board, but I guess some of us don't understand some things. You said that you would end things with the OM this week and now you're saying it will be done by the end of next week. That you won't put it off longer than that. Why not end it now? Get it over with. Maybe I'm wrong for saying this, but being the W of a WAS who is still involved in an A, it's hard for me to understand your justification for not ending it and your standing up for the OM. It actually makes me mad for your H. I'm not trying to 100% back your H, as he had a part in the issues in your M, but there is NO REASON for an A. Please, just end it NOW. You said yourself that you can't fully work on your M until it's over. Please, end it.

My best wishes are truly with you and your H that things get back on track and you're able to mend and rebuild your M. I give you credit for coming on here and admitting your A. It's not an easy thing to come into the Lion's Den where most of us have been deeply hurt by A's. You're further than a lot of our S's are. I hope you aren't too offended by some of my comments. As I said, it's hard being the one who has been hurt this deeply. Again, my wishes, thoughts and prayers go out to you and your H.

SueS