GF, it all sounds so wonderful to me! And Happy Birthday from me also! Congrats on getting the bed; that was great I thought! Sounds like you are going forward in a really positive direction!!! Karen
Everything over here still appears to be going well. H stayed over last night for the 3rd time in a row, so that indeed is a plus!
Something that concerns me though. H has been bringing a few beers with him every night since he's been here. He pounds them after dinner and then passes out on the couch while we watch TV or a movie. I know he's been extremely tired lately from work; he's had some really tough shifts, and he said the next two weeks are going to be rough because they've given him so much overtime. He doesn't mind it though; the money's real good. Anyway, before things went bad in our M, H would have an occasional beer which never bothered me at all, but not like this. Not this often which seems to be every night so far. I haven't brought this up to him, but the first night he stayed over, he asked me if I minded him having a drink. I said no. He said it helps him to relax. Well ok. I just keep thinking about his grandmother's severe drinking problem, and even MIL used to drink quite a bit, too.
Before he left for work this morning, he leaned over me in bed to give me a hug. He asked, "Do you like me being here?" I said, "Of course! The boys like having you here, too." Almost as if he was unsure about it, H said ok, have a good day, then left.
Well we're supposed to go out tonight. The kids are spending the entire weekend with my parents, so H wants to take me out this evening as a belated birthday gift. I'm going to check out craigslist for Kings tickets. H and I both enjoy sports, but I've never been to a basketball game, so it should be fun if we can get good seats. If not, maybe I can get him to take me to a play tonight, either in Sac or SF. He did say whatever I want!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Hi there Going Foward. I'm new here and you have actually posted a couple of times on my thread.."my husband is having an affair". So first I should say thank you for your support!
Secondly, your story although long and must have so tough on you is one that I find encouraging.
I am happy that your H is staying with you and your children. You are at the beginning of what may be the start of a new M. You do need to D the old one in theory and I think this journey for the two of you will take alot of hard work, but I am happy for you!
I hope you have a great dinner and enjoy a wonderful evening together. Keep only positive thoughts...focus on what is working.....I am cheering for you and look forward to hearing continued success in your new M.
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Thank you, AH, for your kind words and encouragement! It means a lot.
I am definitely trying to be positive about this. A whole lotta good is happening, so it's not too hard.
I just spoke with H again, and we are going to the Kings game tonight, but he sounded rather grumpy over the phone. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to go, and he said, "Well I already told the guy I wanted the tickets, so yeah. It's just that I have to work early again tomorrow, and I'm tired. Imagine how you would feel if you had to get up before 5am almost every morning." I said yeah, I probably wouldn't care for it too much either.
I won't focus on his mood tonight. Like I said, I've never been to a basketball game before, so that's all I really care about at the moment - just looking to enjoy the live action.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Everything was so-so this past weekend. A couple of backslides on my part (somebody smack some sense into me!), but I think (and hope) we've recovered.
H and I went to the Kings game Friday night, and it was so awesome! Our seats were 3 rows up from the floor, and we were right behind the basket near the Kings' bench! Spectacular view of the action , not to mention the players. Man, those guys are TALL!!! I'm only 5'2"! Sadly, the Kings lost that night, but still - it was a great experience for us both! H has been to basketball games in the past but never sat that close to the court or players before, so he was stoked, too. Oh, and during the game, I thanked H for making that night possible. Told him I really appreciated this and asked him for a kiss. H said, "You can have whatever you want," then kissed me.
We came home right after the game since H had to work the next morning (Saturday) at 5am. I think we got here around 10:30pm or so, and H was ready for bed. I wasn't really tired, but he wanted me to go to bed with him, so I went.
Now, I don't know if it was just me or what, but it seemed like all H could do was complain from the minute we got home. There was no space on the shoe rack for his shoes, one of the kids forgot to put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder again, S3 left some toys out (I was in a hurry and didn't have time to clean up since H wanted to be on the road by 4:30pm), and there wasn't a standing oscillating fan in the house for him to use. (H needs to have noise - from the fan - and feel cool in order to sleep comfortably.)
At this point, after hearing his gripes, I was on edge but didn't say anything until he started fidgeting with the alarm clock. It's always been set 30 minutes fast - don't know why exactly, but that's how H had it when he was still living here, and I never changed it. Same thing with the fan - we used to have one, but it went kaput about 2 years ago, and with H not being here, I didn't replace it. Didn't see the need to.
Anyway, so H said, "I need the alarm set for 4:30am. How do I work this thing?!" I walked over to help him saying, "You don't remember?" H said, "Do you think I'd be asking if I did?" Gotta love the sarcasm. So I set the clock for him, then he said, "What time is it? Is that the real time?" I explained to him that the clock was fast by exactly 30 mins, to which he replied, "Why the f**k is it 30 mins fast?!" I told him it has always been that way; that's how he had it before he moved out 3 years ago, and I just never changed it. H griped, "Well f**k! Fix it! Put the right time on there." I did as he requested, although I was p*ssed. I cannot stand it when he gets b*tchy about everything!
So after that, I went into the bathroom to take off my jewelry and brush my teeth. Right before I'm about to brush, H said, "F**k! Are you serious?! How am I supposed to sleep? Why don't you have a fan in here, dammit!"
That was it. I freakin' lost my cool and immediately snapped back, "Why do you have to complain so f**king much about every damn thing?!!" He looked surprised a little and said, "What are you talking about? What am I complaining about?"
OMG, was he really serious??!! Unbelievable.
I went on to tell him that he was complaining from the minute we stepped in the door. He shouted, "Hold on a sec! Did you just move in here?! Are you the one who's in a new place and is very uncomfortable with everything in this house?! I don't know where anything is, and I hate this sh*t! I am so f**king uncomfortable!" I told him if he was that uncomfortable, then go sleep at (friend)'s. He said, "Oh so now you're telling me to leave?!" That was not what I said, and I repeated what I said. I told him not to twist my words around. I didn't want him to leave, but if he was really that uncomfortable in this house, then maybe he should go to (friend)'s house for that night and sleep in the bed he was used to since he claimed that the previous 3 nights of sleep were terrible for him.
I started to walk away before I ended up saying anything further, but as always, he followed me into the other room, telling me not to walk away from him. I told him I didn't want to talk about this anymore and to please just let me be so that I could settle down. My nerves were on edge because of all the complaints, sarcasm, and arguing. I just wanted to be left alone, but he kept at it, and it was the same old, same old. I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad for not understanding and sympathizing with him under the circumstances. I guess I don't understand it, but I would try to sympathize more if he didn't come off as b*tching all the time.
Anyway, I cried a little, and so did H. He went into the bedroom, and I grabbed a throw blanket and laid down on the couch. About 5 minutes later, H came into the living room and asked what I was doing. I told him I was just lying down. He asked me to go to bed with him, I said I didn't want to, and he started begging. He said he couldn't do this with me; he didn't want to go to sleep fighting with me. I said I wasn't trying to fight with him, and I didn't even know why we were. Why did we start fighting over a freakin' alarm clock and fan?!! He said he didn't know and again asked me to sleep in the bed with him; he couldn't sleep without me. So I got up and went in the room. When he climbed into bed with me, he pulled me close and hugged me. He said he was sorry for fighting, and I apologized, too. H said he was just tired and this was going to be a big adjustment for him. It's going to take him awhile to get used to being here again, but he would try to voice his complaints with nicer words. I said I would appreciate that very much, and I would try not to take his moods so personally. We talked a little about the game before dozing off. H also said ILY, and I told him I loved him, too.
Saturday, H gave me a kiss and another ILY before leaving for work. I went to work that morning, then left to Brentwood for ladies' poker night with my sister and some friends. It was a blast! Yummy food, great music, drinks galore, and lots of laughs! There were 11 players, and when we got to the final 2 (I was one of them), we agreed to split the winnings 50/50 because it was really late! If it wasn't, I would've gone all the way for first, baby! BTW, H called me twice while I was gone, but I didn't answer, only because I didn't have my phone anywhere near me while I was there. Oh, and he didn't sleep at the house that night. He said he couldn't because I was gone. He said if I wanted him to, he would; he didn't want me to become upset with him. I told him I wasn't and wouldn't be. If he wanted to stay at (friend)'s in his own bed that night, I was ok with it. So he did, and he wanted me to call him if I got back early enough. Then he'd come to the house to be with me.
I didn't stay at my sister's house that night like I originally planned to. I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed (guess I can empathize with H now!), so I came home but didn't get here until 3am. I figured H would undoubtedly be asleep, so I didn't bother calling him. He had to work in the morning anyway.
Sunday went well. H called me around noon, and we chatted about my night and his. He didn't do anything, he said. Just stayed at (friend)'s, watched TV, and had some beers.
After work, H called to tell me he was going to the gym. Then he got here just after 7pm, and we all sat down to dinner. He played with the boys while I cleaned up. Then the kids went to bed, and we watched a little TV before going to sleep around 11pm. More ILYs from H yesterday.
Today, H didn't have to work until 5pm, so he spent the day at (friend)'s house packing up a bunch of his things to bring home. He brought all of his clothes, shoes, etc, his dresser, and some of the kids' stuff he kept over there. I'm not sure what else he has over there to move out, besides his bed. He said he was going to give it to the Goodwill. That's great, because I was hoping he wouldn't want to bring it here. Just knowing that someone else slept in it with him....it doesn't sit well with me. I dated someone, too, but I always went to his place. He was never over here and never in my marital bed.
So things were going smoothly until H got back from (friend)'s house with some of his stuff. More complaints, every 2 minutes, seriously. There wasn't enough room here for any of his stuff. All the closets were full. Medicine cabinets and sink counterspace, too. All taken up. Well, we ended up getting into another argument. I wanted to walk away and discuss a solution when we both calmed down, but NO. H wanted to talk about it NOW, and of course, I get upset because he refuses to give me some space. It's a vicious cycle.
I tried telling him that if he would've let me finish my sentence the other night while he was doing his laundry from (friend)'s house, then he would have heard me say that I wanted to work on freeing up space for his things this week. I wanted to focus on one area everyday to make room for him. The boys and I have a lot of stuff! The house isn't that big, and the closet spaces are small. I love this house, but even with the garage, there's really not that much storage space!
So anyway, I broke down again emotionally. I told H that I felt like I couldn't do this. In a week and a half's time, we've had 3 arguments. I don't have the energy to keep going this way. I asked him if we could go see a MC, someone who could help us learn how to communicate and empathize better with each other. He sarcastically replied, "Yeah, let's go pay somebody to hold our hand and wipe our a$$es for us. That's just what we need!" IOW, no.
After several moments, the tension died down. H said he would leave me alone, he was sorry about the complaining again, and he'll try not to sound so mean when he does it. He said, "I'm sorry, but I don't think about what I'm going to say. I just say whatever's in my head. Whatever my thoughts are." I told him I was sorry, too. This is hard for me as well. Living by myself for all those years, and then suddenly having someone else moving in was very different for me, too. I'm comfortable here and to have someone 'barking' at me now is nervewrecking. I understand this is hard for him, and I will work on making him feel more comfortable. I again said that was what I was trying to tell him the other night, but I was interrupted and didn't get to finish. When I'm talking, I'd like for him to let me finish before he begins speaking. Said he'd try.
That was early this afternoon, and everything's been alright since then. More ILYs, kisses, and hugs from both sides.
<Sigh>.....Needless to say, this is going to be probably the toughest challenge for the both of us. But H said he's "not giving up", and neither will I.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Whew! You guys have a classic communication problem. Both of you saying what you want, but not working together. Your marriage could really be helped by a Retrouvaille weekend. It's only 2 days and it is the solution. Go to the website, http://www.helpourmarriage.org and read about the 4 stages of marriage. Then look for a weekend near you. The sooner the better. Don't delay. These little arguments are poison for your relationship. You are so close to making it all work out. They will teach you how to communicate so the other person wants to make changes to get along. Wish I could describe it, but it takes the whole weekend to make it work. Then there are weekly follow-up sessions to reinforce the progress. They changed our lives. They can change yours too.
Sara, I know this. I've known for YEARS that we do not communicate well at all - we do at times, but we don't at others. I have asked, even PLEADED, with H that we seek some sort of MC. What's the female equivalent to a man saying he would give up his left n*t...?? Well if it was my left breast, I would do it! I want to be able to always, not just sometimes, calmly talk with and understand him, and vice versa.
BUT H WILL NOT. HE JUST WILL NOT DO IT.
However, I did check out the website....thank you....and the program will be in Sacramento this July and again in October. Oh how I wish.....
H is here still. He's actually sleeping at the moment; he came off graveyard this morning. I'm doing laundry and about to work on emptying and reorganizing the closets in a moment to free up more space. I was able to empty one of the closets in our room yesterday for him, and he seemed to appreciate that. So I'm continuing this with other areas in the house. I already knew from his complaints that this is what he wanted, and like I said, I tried telling him Friday night that I would work on it this week. He interrupted (why, I don't know - he often does and it irritates me) and didn't let me finish talking though, and that's when my attempt at communication broke down.
Oh, and as for the fan (geez, a fan! How stupid is this?!!), I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm damned if I just go and buy another fan myself because I would have spent money that didn't need to be spent since he already has one (trust me, H will give me sh*t about it - I even asked him last night while I was at the store if he wanted me to get one, and he said no), and I'm damned if I don't because he's still uncomfortable without one being here.
Either way, it's lose/lose. If I can't go out and get him a stupid fan, he needs to get the one he has from (friend)'s house. PRONTO!
I have more to post, but I will do it later tonight while H is at work. He's working graveyard shift all this week.
Thanks again, Michelle and Sara. I really appreciate your support!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
, not to mention the players. Man, those guys are TALL!!! I'm only 5'2"! 
Sadly, the Kings lost that night, but still - it was a great experience for us both! H has been to basketball games in the past but never sat that close to the court or players before, so he was stoked, too. 
That was it. I freakin' lost my cool and immediately snapped back, "Why do you have to complain so f**king much about every damn thing?!!" He looked surprised a little and said, "What are you talking about? What am I complaining about?"