I asked this on the MLC board, but will ask here as well. My wife started MLC in July and dropped the ILYBINILWY speech shortly after, and is now having at least an EA with OM. She still lives at home. I have started applying DR techniques and have a question about not saying ILY. Occasionally she will say ILY to me, especially around the kids, and I don't know how to respond. Like this morning, it was as she was walking out the door with our D15 on their way to work/school. When she said it I stopped and hesitated, then saw my daughter taking it all in out of the corner of my eye, and said ILY2 and gave her a kiss goodbye. How *should* I handle that situation in the future? I don't think I'm imagining that she especially does it in front of the kids, probably to give them the appearance that "everything is cool with M&D". Advice please?
Do you want to say ILY? My opinion is to say it if you want to. We got to a point where I'd say it and my H wouldn't respond. I didn't want the hurt any more of not hearing it back so I stopped. I do understand the hesitation though when they say it and you're caught off guard. I haven't heard it in about 2 months (OUCH). Even double OUCH knowing he says it to someone else now. The last time I heard it I hesitated too. I responded with ILY2. Just my opinion. Say it if you want to, not just because DB tells you to or not.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Thank you for the feedback. I don't know, I quickly pondered that response but then thought better of using it in front of D15. While the kids know something is "up" with Mom over the last 6 months, they don't know how tenuous our R is right now, and I don't want to burden them with this for one moment before I have to. She is clearly only doing this in front of the kids - not for example before we go to sleep when it is just us. I don't know if she is doing it to show her power over me, or to protect the kids - perhaps both. I thought about saying something to her privately, but have no idea how that conversation would go. Again, I'm trying DR techniques to avoid initiating conversations about the R right now.
The next time she does that, then as soon as you're alone with her (the same day), ask "Why do you keep doing that?"
"What's that?"
"Saying 'I love you' to me, but only when it's in front of the kids. Is this some sort of game you're playing, because I'm really not in the mood for games where our marriage is concerned. I find it childish."
Should be a good conversation-starter, if nothing else!
I like this. I don't know if I have the balls to do it yet, because frankly I like hearing her say it even if it is a game. And I know as soon as I have that conversation it wil be a *long* time before she ever says it again. But someday (soon!) I'll grow a pair and this will be the line. Thanks!
Hi Bewildered, It sounds to me like you are looking for a black and white answer - do you love me or not? - from a person whose world is completely overwhelmed by swirling gray clouds.
If you push - and the R talk described above is definitely pushing - then, the most likely response you will get is that she will STOP saying ILY, even in front of the kids. Let me assure you, that's no fun either.
As long as she is caught up in her MLC, keep your focus on following the DB program and working on your own self - PMA, GALing, etc. You will have a lot more success if you concentrate your efforts on changing yourself right now, than on changing her.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Thanks to both of you. We are going away for a long w/e trip this w/e. Its a long story, but we booked it months ago and it was to be a romantic w/e, no kids, at an allinclusive. We couldn't get out $$$ backso we have decided to go anyway, not talk R stuff at all, and just have fun with each other. I don't want to rock the boat before that, bu as somm as we get back, then look out!
choc and rob are amazing advice givers. Both handled their situations a bit differently, but you can draw courage and strength (and those other things you boys talk about) from them.
Sorry you are here. You do what is comfortable to you.
I think you did the right thing about answering "I love you too" in front of your kids though.
Great idea to keep the trip plans!! Relax and enjoy.
