I have been reading these posts for a while now and I am in need of some advice/help.
H and I have been married for 7 years now and have a D6 together. We seperated over 2 years ago for a while and ended up getting back together.
Things had been going real well ever since until a couple of months ago. I started to suspect H was having an A. After a little while I comfronted him on it. Of course.....he denied it. I started to dig on my own and we had gone to a C friend of ours and H finally admitted to have been having one for 4 months.
He would not tell me who it was. We fought pretty hard about it for a week or so and then I found out.....it was MY best friend! I have known this person for 12 years....been through hell and back with her.
The A came out because she told her H who then told me(she knew he was going to tell me). So anyway her and I have gone over this A time and again and she is trying to work on her M all the while wanting to keep the friendship she and I had.
It ended up that H claimed to have had feelings for her and that they had planned on possibly being together. Well obviously that did not happen because she doesn't want out of her M.
I told H we were through the day I found out. It stayed that way for a couple weeks and then we started talking and he wanted me to give him another chance. Part of me feels that I am just his "Plan B" but then part of me feels he is being sincere. He is doing everything he can to show me that he loves me and wants to be with me and work on our M.
The problem is....I am having a hard time in letting it go. I was bringing it up often. At first H was ok with me bringing it up and has no problem talking about it but now he is tired of hearing about it and having it brought up. I haven't brought it up in the last couple days but it is hard not to.
I have checked phone records and all kinds of other things and I know they are not talking to each other anymore. And I also talk to her H regularly. But I can't help wondering everytime his phone rings....he is a couple minutes late getting home.....etc.
Your thread title sure could be used for all of us. You have every right to be feeling the way you do. This is your decision, but I think it's a bit out of bounds for your friend to think that your relationship can stay the same after what's happened. She, at the very least, has to give you some time to get past this. Even then, it will not be something you'll forget. My H had his first PA 6 years ago. We lived in IL, she in MO. For a few years after that, any time he even headed south of where we lived I thought of her and the A. We'd moved to CA right after the A ended. When we moved back to IL a year later, we drove through MO, right past the town she lived it. I sat thinking of it, knowing my H was probably doing the same. The thoughts get easier to handle, but they don't just leave because the A has ended. If you've been lurking here, you may have seen that Sara and Saffie didn't really come to this site until after their H's A's had ended. It just helped them to get through their feelings.
Yes, your H will say he's tired of hearing it. Sometimes it's like they say to themselves, Okay, I did wrong. It's over. Why can't you get past it? You want to grab him and say......But don't you see why I have questions?, don't you understand how this has affected me? Have you seen a C or have you and your H talked about seeing a MC? Maybe something like that would help you sort out your feelings and understand why this happened and how to move forward. I'm not saying forget, just move forward.
I suggest you stay here with us and see a C. If not a MC then a C for yourself. My H would never see a MC, but I'm seeing a C. She's helping me get an understanding of things and helping me, as she says, keep my feet on the ground.
Best of luck to you. We're here for you.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Thank you for your response. I am kinda torn on my feelings with her. Part of me hates her for what she did to me and would love to knock the sh*t out of her but I have also been told "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". I feel if I maintain some sort of contact with her then I can get a feel for where she stands and what she is thinking. Although, I do not make contact with her at all. She contacts me.
It makes me mad when I think that I was confiding in her about everything! She would then take the things I say to her back to H and tell him. Here I was trying to figure out who it was that he was having an A with and it was her all along, yet she continued to be "there" for me. That sucks!
Yes sometimes I would love to grab H and shake some sense in him. He has been real good listening and will even talk about any part of it that I want to know (which isn't much...the less I know in details, the better). And yes he is tired of hearing about it but I am tired if thinking about it,wondering about it.
I guess they do expect us to just forget and move on. It is not that easy. We are seeing a C. He is very helpful but it is what is inside of me that I am having a problem with. I need to find a way to deal with it and be able to move on.
Hi poohbear and welcome. Sorry you are here. My H's OW was a friend of mine (but not close, just went in the same playgroup circles) and I will never speak to her again. Even though she owes me no loyality (my H owes me that!), she is not worthy of my friendship. I try to imagine it being my best friend and I can't imagine keeping up a friendship with her. I am so sorry.
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And yes he is tired of hearing about it but I am tired if thinking about it,wondering about it.
Is he tired of giving you details about the A, or tired of talking about it in general? I kind of agree with him. Though its taken me a LONG time to see this, the actual A isn't the problem, its what what in your marriage that led up to the A. That being said, if he truly wants to help you heal from this, he needs to answer all your questions and have patience.
I really don't know why I still talk to her at all. I fight with that a lot. I will never ever trust her again or confide in her about anything. Maybe it is just to keep tabs on her. I ask my self that question all the time. She does not deserve my friendship.
H is just tired of talking about it ALL the time. He has no problem giving me details if I want to know them. I probably know more than I should have allowed myself to know. He says we can talk about it just as long as I give it a couple days in between the talks.
He is pretty patient with me about it though and I know I tend to wear it down now and then. That is what I have to learn to back off on doing.
We have spent a lot of time talking about the problems we had in our M prior to the A and a lot time putting effort into the things we want to fix. That part of it is going real well.
Maybe with time it will get better and a little easier. It does help a lot to talk on here and read what other people are going through as well.
I have a question...should I tell my ex-best friends H the truth about the A?
Her H believes that it only happened twice when in fact it was for the entire 4 months. My H is the one that told me the time frame,how,when,where,etc.
I talk to her H all the time about getting through all of this and part of me wants him to know the WHOLE truth because he has a right to know but part of me feels that he has also hurt enough and I don't want to cause anymore hurt for him.
I feel that she should have been honest with him in the beginning and told him everything but she chooses not to talk to him AT ALL about it. What would be the right thing to do in this sitch?
I have a question...should I tell my ex-best friends H the truth about the A?
Wouldn't you want someone to tell you? My H played off his A (when he finally confessed) like it was no big deal, a few times, just a friend, blah blah blah. The next week, OW's H called and told me the actual truth (much longer time span, they were saying "I love you" etc). I don't regret it for a moment that someone told me, and I would do the same all over again.
And yes I would rather be told than not. It was her H who told me anyway but at first I did not have the full story or I would have told him right then. It wasn't until a couple weeks later that H sat down and told me the whole story and had the proof to back it all up.
But I do know in talking to him and her that he does not have even half the truth. She is the one who initiated the A to begin with.
I think what has been holding me back is being afraid that her H will throw her out and she will run to my H. Even though my H says he would not go there again....it is hard to believe what they say after the fact when they lied for so long.
I think what has been holding me back is being afraid that her H will throw her out and she will run to my H.
This was one of my fears. Also, I was worried they (OW and my H) would move out and continue their A. Neither of these happened. I see now, that if it happened, I couldn't have controlled it. But back then I was paralyzed with fear, so I understand.
Your H is in a good place, wanting it to be over. My H was not in that shape.
I do understand that I cannot control whatever happens but after being blindsided with everything I would at least like to have an idea that it is coming if it were to.
But H definately shows he wants to be with me so I am trying to believe that it is genuine. We bought an RV over the weekend and he is talking about camping and doing things to the RV and such so I think that is a good sign.
Another thing is....Friday the ex bestfriend told her H another lie about the A and I knew the truth so I decided to go ahead and come clean with what I knew to be the truth. He was not happy about it at all and confronted her on it. She tried to lie about it some more but he knew better.
So he was on his way walking out the door and she decided to start talking. He says they are still going to try to work on things but that she said she is done with me. That is fine with me!
I feel a whole lot better now that he knows the full story and maybe she will think twice before doing this to someone else.
