We've had our "breakthrough" and my wife is at home (never left) and has been working on our marriage now too.
We are intimate, we talk, we laugh, we go out together, etc. However she is very depressed much of the time. She talks of feeling unfulfilled in all aspects of her life, not just the marriage.
Her job is quite stressful, they fired her boss and handed her all the responsibilities on top of her own. Additionally they won't give her the position on a permanent basis which means no new title and no salary increase. They made it clear they want to bring in someone else for the job, but their top candidate doesn't want to take the position until August. So now she is working 6 or 7 days a work totalling 60+ hours and gets nothing back in return.
Our S (age 5) is showing signs of needing speech therapy, and on top of that has been getting himself in trouble at his pre-school.
Our D (age 2) is just that, buried in the Terrible Twos - refusing to listen or blatently doing the opposite of what she is told.
To top it off, our marriage needs lots of work. Today she referred to OR as "The absolute low point of our marriage". That was painful as I didn't know how to take it. I thought that "Low Point" was the day she dropped the bomb, and all these baby steps we have been taking were heading us back over the mountain. In fact I have very much enjoyed our efforts together. I dunno if what she was referring to was this entire period as a whole, or whether she was just feeling especially down, or if there is more to it, and we are at a low point.
As far as her job goes, I'd like for her to put her foot down at work (either get her some help, give her the position permanently, or to back off and give her her life back.) but there aren't a lot of jobs in the area if that backfires. (She's a Chemical Engineer) I haven't told her this - I read the John Gray Mars/Venus book and I know I am not supposed to offer solutions, I am only supposed to be her sounding board. But MAN, she is ALWAYS stressed and bitching (and apologizing) about having to take work home. How do I deal with that?
Our life is like this: She gets up and feels she needs to get to work ASAP because with her doing two jobs she is so far behind. So she is the first gone in the morning. She's almost always at work late so either I get the kids from pre-school (quite out of the way) so we get home at about the same time, or if she does they all don't get home till much later. We eat dinner then spend time with the kids, which is no picnic. Both children cannot take anything we say at face value. They either ignore us or argue. So, after a long day at work, then dealing with the kids we are both generally wiped and are ready to just crash. Often we try to stay up to spend time together, but in some instances that feels "forced" since we'd rather be sleeping.
Since for the past few weekends she needed to go in to deal with stuff at work, even then isn't the best time to work on "us".
How do I deal with all this? Should I put OR aside and let her deal with the other issues first? Should we work to fix OR so that she feels she truly has a partner to help her through this?
She's taking Prozac now for the stress. She says she can't even relax her muscles. I feel so helpless sometimes because I don't know where to start.
She talks about wanting to take a few days away from everything just to go think. I was all for that, and she had planned a weekend to do that, only to be told on the Friday before she left that they needed her to come work. It was devastating to her and to me.
There is another window for her to take a few days coming up, but she is both worried about the job calling her in again, and the fact that money is tight.
Where do I begin?? This is SO complex. All I want to do is take all this stress away from her. She is such a happy person, and she can't let it out, and as a result it's depressing her terribly. I want to be there for her to help with the other problems, but as I am still part of one of the problems myself where do I start? (If at all...)
Frustrated, Sounds like you have alot going on. First, you are right that she just wants you to be a sounding board (10 points for you); but, this still leaves you with you the need to fix something.
If it were me, I would break this down into smaller segments and focus. When you look at the whole picture, it is quite overwhelming. I know for you right now your first priority is your marriage; but, my guess is that everything else is in such chaos with work, children, and home that it's hard to decide what fire to put out first. So, get out your "fire extinguisher" and come up with some plans. Maybe, start with a list like the following:
Her work situation: Would it be possible for her to suggest that they hire a temporary person to help with non-technical apsects? Also, she may want to read a new book by Gail Evans it has to do with thinking and acting like a man at work. But, you may just have to listen. Maybe, you could ask her, "Do you just want me to listen or would you like me to brainstorm with you on ideas?"
The children: Do some research on speech therapy. Use the internet and also local resources to have him screened if he has not already been screened. Get some books on child discipline. I would suggest John Rosemond's Six-Point Plan for Raising, Happy, Healthy Children. Get the kids under control, they are probably reacting to the under currents of stress at home. Be firm and consistent in what ever you do, DB techniques work with children too. Could you change their daycare location closer to your work? Could you arrange some sort of flexible schedule at your work?
Home: If budget allows, hire a one-time maid service and take the laundry to the laundry mat and let them do it. Get the house in order. Plan your meals ahead of time or prepare and freeze some meals over the weekend. Look in the newspaper in the Food Section and see if they have a 7-day menu planner that combines making one large meal that you can make meals with leftovers for the rest of the week. Again, check the internet if this is not available in your paper. If money is tight to do some of these things, could someone watch the kids for you so that you could do this on your own?
Try not to think of yourself as part of the problem; but, as part of the solution. Start working on what you can and maybe the rest will fall into place. Just for fun, go rent the movie, "Mr. Mom", that is after you get all the above done (ha, ha)! Take care!
Sandy P. S. I forgot to answer your question. I don't think your wife is unfulfilled, she is overwhelmed!
[This message has been edited by sandyduncan83 (edited 04-06-2000).]
Hey! Here's a thought....my h loves when he is stressed and tense...
A nice way to help her may be to offer her a backrub to ease her tension. However, I caution you to not get caught up in it yourself. You don't want it turning into sexual foreplay or she will think you were only thinking of yourself. So, if you can touch her without getting turned on, I would recommend a gentle shoulder and back rub. And be sure and warm the lotion in your hands first, so you don't send her jumping.
That's what I think! She's just overwhelmed, that's where all the feelings of unfullfilment come from. Nothing in her life can come to "completion". As she finishes something at work, two more things get dumped on her. And with kids and the house, well - that work is never done. I want to tell her this, but I don't think it can come from me.
GG,
She does get a backrub/footrub/neckrub almost daily. I can just see it in her face that she needs it. And granted, on occasion it does lead to more, but for the most part it's innocent.
We are still intimate, so those on those times I get the feeling she is asking for more, (ie - closing the door behind us and stripping down before getting into bed when I offer the backrub) I'll "up the ante" - but otherwise pushing the issue would only make the backrub itself a tense issue.)
