How do you feel about women who seem to be semi-purposefully dating only men who went through college on football scholarships even though she has no interest in the activity and it is just a coincidence that coaches pick players in the size she likes? Would you be less disapproving if you knew that she made excellent layered chip dips?
You're kidding, right? Of course I think these hypothetical women are just fine
Seriously I am not saying I think you have to have the same interests. I think it's okay to even laugh a little and poke fun at the other's interest. I am talking about women and men that seriously DISDAIN their spouses hobbies/interests.
For example:
Woman talking to friend about weekend plans: My H has some sort of plans for Sunday night. Is there some sort of game going on? Oh but did you hear Tom Petty will be on TV Sunday night!!
(Can be said ironically or not)
That's just fine IMHO.
Woman talking to friend about weekend plans: H is watching the Super Bowl on Sunday. What a stupid sport. Why can't he just grow up? It's like he has no life. And don't get me started about all the time he wastes on that idiotic Fantasy Football. I think I'll just go out shopping and spend a bunch of money.
It's the JUDGING and deriding of your spouse's interests that bothers me. I just don't like it either direction. I don't think you have to have the same interests or that you need to fawn all over your spouse about their interest but I think tearing them and their interest down is not healthy for a good relationship. Assuming it's not a destructive habit like gambling, drug and alcohol addiction, spending more than you make, arson, etc., let them have some freedom.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I owe you an apology, and you get a heart-felt one from me. I was completely and utterly out of line, telling you to F OFF, it was rude, brash, hard and crass.
I have no excuses. My opinions are my own; that doesn't mean I get to spew them willy nilly under the guise that that's 'just the way I am. Blunt as a butter knife.'
I was not suggesting that you literally tell your H to 'fck off.' That may be the way it sounded, but that is not how I meant it. I see it as more of an internal mental attitude.
I see a definite Ying Yang imbalance in the Karen Household. That doesn't mean, to me, that you 'defer' to your H more, or that you even become more assertive and blunt with him.
To me, the Feminine is a very strong energy, especially in the home. It is in EQUAL power to the masculine energy. Both are needed. I think you have backed off so far from your Feminine Energy in your home and with your H (an Energy that is for you, much more 'natural') that your less developed masculine energy is left to run YOUR internal show, at least in your home and with your H. If you can picture it this way for one moment, perhaps you can see why you feel so darn confused...
I think it is admirable and diplomatic of you to want to include equally your H in all things domestic... but in so doing... you have hobbled yourself into a role that you are not comfortable.
So... either reclaim your Feminine, or learn to strengthen your Masculine in order to balance out your H's overdeveloped Feminine. In order to do that... I think Lil is right... you are going to have to start honoring your POV... or at the very least, stop minimizing it on the home front.
Yeah right! A bunch of horny guys and gals are not going to speak of sex for 2 weeks on a board with sex in the title. Yup, that's gonna happen.....right after Cemar starts getting laid 7 ways to Sunday every single night
Oh - I know you weren't telling me to literally say fcuk off - it was just funny to me that not only do I not say it in behaviors but I don't say it in words either. Yes - I DO see the Ying/Yang imbalance that you are speaking of. My participation in my household has become not unlike the traditional guy - assist with the childcare, assist with the household upkeep and the meals. I, of course, do most of the cleaning, almost all the grocery shopping, all the cooking for family occasions and such but an awful lot of the day to day falls to him. I DO see that restoring the balance might help. I would say that further developing my masculine isn't gonna happen - I do so much of that at work that I can't see doing it at home too. The funny part is that I was a SAHM for YEARS and I'm good at all that Mom stuff, wife stuff, girly stuff and I can do it without feeling minimized by it.
Nod. Go buy a new piece of furniture. Just because it speaks to you and hopefully, it will be unlike any other piece in your house. It will be ALL YOU. And you shall place it in an empty spot in your house (if you don't have one.. make one... and empty A space and let it BE... you WILL fill it).
This is a completely, utterly a WOMAN communication... so just move along, if you don't get it....
Let the piece of, new furniture, in a newly claimed space... drive your... feminine. It will. Say to hubby... "I need this space... I need this room... I don't know why, I just need it, want it, NOW. MOVE THE COUCH OUT OF THE HOUSE... NOW. I have a new one coming..."
Funny you should say that. I did buy a piece of furniture (very minor), a new cabinet that I placed in my breakfast room to store DD3's art supplies so she has ready access to them to be creative at the kitchen table and they won't be in her play area where DS9mos can eat the crayons and such. What makes this unique is that I bought a really pretty cabinet with decorative staining and painting that is simply completely unlike anything else in our house.
Our house is stick plain in terms of decorating because being H's bachelor quarters I have gradually introduced more decorative elements but kept to a neutral bachelor type look so as not to offend H's sensibilities. H seemed mildly surprised but says he isn't sure it "goes with" everything else - I then explained "eclectic" decorating and told him that I really like the cabinet and that it had been an excellent buy. He seems fine. On top of that I purchased some new linen napkins and set the table. I also cooked up a storm all weekend like I used to. Not sure that it stoked his passion but it made me feel better.
I am not an artistic person, my major creative outlet is cooking, writing and keeping my home. I can't draw, paint or anything like that. The sheer length of my commute and exhaustion from the pregnancy had made it where I have dropped out of a lot of the day to day in my own home except for when all the planets align so that I had the time, energy level and kids occupied long enough to do something like cook a decent meal or whatever (we have eaten so much take out crap in the past year it is sick). It felt good to set the table properly, it felt good to think about what else would make the kitchen/breakfast room look great and pretty. I will probably work on it while H is on his annual guy trip this summer.
No, H didn’t sex me up but then again I almost feel like he is a not very hungry shark circling, his circles are getting nearer but he isn’t biting yet…….
I have gradually introduced more decorative elements but kept to a neutral bachelor type look so as not to offend H's sensibilities
Karen! how "gradually"? How long have y'all been married? Honey, you're keeping WAY too low a profile! It's YOUR house, too. You're not a girlfriend. Your his wife, mother of his children! Make your presence felt. I've been suspecting for a long while that you're too nice... (it's the way you listen patiently to Dom and actually reply to him). Find the Inner Bitch. You don't have to express her-- just FIND her, okay?
