MJ, My feeling is that you are seeking too much validation right now, so when something goes amiss, you get way too stirred up, and this fuel the self deprecating cycle. I think you need some soul feeding, away from the drama. You are not even divorced yet, and the finality of that will raise a whole new set of feelings. Give yourself some time. Huggles.
I also don't think they should have the power to send her into such a tailspin. To me, that says something about unfinished business on Mojo's part, and that unfinished business could be provoking such comments from the men.
I agree with this, but pretty much everyone has unfinished business. I'm reassuring Mojo that just because someone calls her a freak doesn't mean she is one. Anyway someone who calls you that is probably projecting out of a fear that HE is the freak.
Mo... I'm sure I fit into one of those camps you were disparaging... and I am so sorry if my 'caution' regarding men has rubbed off a bit too much on you.
However, I gotta go with the other girls on this one; you are a really cool, kind chick, with lots and lots to offer, and you ARE NOT a freak... I understand tailspins They suck, especially when they are in regard to men, in regard to a highly intelligent, HD woman, who has just recently undergone major life changes.
Out of curiosity... what hopes did you have for Valentine's Day that got so squashed?
Oh Mojo. You remind me of my daughter just a little too much sometimes - lol. Whizzing around having sooo much fun when bang she slips and crashes. A cyberhug from across the pond to you. And also a cupcake (I made them yesterday for V day) with mint green frosting and little pink hearts on.
You took the training wheels off pretty quickly and now you're popping wheelies all over the place - but more power to you for having the guts to do it.
Your chemicals are probably all over the show right now what with all that hot phone sex and then the real thing at the weekend PLUS the PMS. Don't beat yourself up, don't start thinking you're a freak, don't worry about turning out like your mum or your dad or whoever.
What are you REALLY hoping to find out there in dating land Mojo? Because at the moment I feel like you can't see for looking.
A few more hugs and another cupcake (this time a peach one with tiny silver balls on).
Also hi and welcome back to Cobra
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I am a freak. Probably even a super-freak. I can't deny it because both my sister and I have been in sexual relationships with very, very experienced men lately and they have all independently and spontaneously told us that is the case. I don't seee any freakish behavior. Bold, yes.
What is with these guys? Can't stand the competition?
Thanks for the support everyone. I'm feeling a bit better. I should make the important note that on top of my poor interaction with FSG, I moved out of my former family home this week, I am having serious issues with the IRS and my suddenly all-grown-up son came and took custody of his dog yesterday. So it would probably be weird if I wasn't a little upset.
Okay, about the freak issue. First off I should note that I really had a very fun weekend with FSG. He is a workaholic so he kept dealing with various crisis items back in his office throughout the weekend but he made time to take me out to restaurants and the library, art museum, scenic overlook etc. Plus we had sex 6 or 7x if you count by boy orgasms (more otherwise).
Anyways, when we were out for dinner Saturday night he was a little surly. Usually he is very jolly. (He looks like a baby-faced bouncer and he wears a big silver belt buckle that says NERD and a diamond earring so we probably look quite cute together.) We were talking about some casual topic and he apologized because he was starting too many anecdotes with phrases like "This woman I used to date and I once.." I was like "That's cool. I know you've been single and dating most of your adult life. I start a lot of anecdotes with 'When my kids were toddlers..' I probably would have dated more if I hadn't married so young." and he said very casually, not meanly "That's true because you are a freak." So, I was hurt and p*ssed off and so after as few minutes of stewing, I reacted in my newly typical way which is to convey with extreme politeness that if for any reason he would not care to be in a relationship with me he could feel free to exit. Then he acted hurt and mystified about why I would say such a thing. I made it clear to him that I do not like to be referred to as a freak. He responded by saying "I have been accused of being insensitive so let me know if you feel like I have been. However, this is not one of those instances. You are a freak and there is nothing you can do about it so you better get used to it and embrace your inner freak and be proud. So I will continue to tease you about it." Then a couple rounds of sex later, I said to him "Maybe I'm a freak but you are a complete maniac." and he agreed. So that wasn't really the issue that caused us difficulties this week, it was just something that I was kind of trying to digest. As you may recall, NG and GP pretty much implied that I was a freak too and since they are respectively zero degrees of separation from the White Stripes and George Clinton, I guess it is true. My sister's new BF is actually zero degrees of separation from Iggy and the Stooges and he told her the same thing.
NOTE TO COBRA: I am completely sexually incompatible with my 2bx. He doesn't even like to f*ck really and he was completely envious of the fact that I do. A lot. A whole lot.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Of the eligible men over a certain age, let’s say 45, I’m willing to bet that 95% of them are f*cked up in one way or another and not entirely suitable as a “healthy” partner. Of these men, I think the majority are divorced and the minority are life-long bachelors. Of the divorcees, only a small portion have been to counseling and even fewer have much anything of that counseling. Most of those who had done any personal work have only done enough to get by, to make whatever relationship they are in barely workable (although that barely workable state may be enough to make both people relatively happy).
At this age, all those men are going to want validation of one form or another from a woman. They’re generally too old to change their spots, and why should they? So it comes as no surprise to me that they want a woman to play the role that Dr. Laura advocates. Anything else will not be validating to them, possibly even a little threatening to them, and therefore a freak.
What I am saying to Mojo is that she should not be too hard on herself because of the way these men react. I don’t think they are nearly as self aware as they would like to think. How can they be? But that is not really the issue, is it? The world is full of problems and it is up to each of us to learn to deal with them, right?
Mojo, you still have tender spots, or hot buttons, from your FOO, your exH, whatever. Getting upset with these new men for pushing your hot button is only half the problem, IMO. The other half is to heal the soft spot so that pushing the button does not bother you too much. That is why I said your exH was the best chance for you to work through your issues. These other men are not going to have the patience to do that. They’ll just go find someone else better suited to their fantasy, like they’ve been doing for the last 15-20 years.
From what I see, the population of men that you are dealing with is going to involve a certain amount of button pushing, whether you like it or not. They are going to do it. The only other way I can see around this is to keep searching for that 5% who has done the hard work to become more functional. So 5 out of 100, or 1 out 20 means you’ve only got another 15 or so dates to go before the odds work out for you…. unless my 95% estimate is all wrong.
Also, I never thought sexual compatibility was the issue between you and your ex. In fact, I recall you saying there were times when you two had good sex. It was all the other crap that got in the way that prevented the good sex from occurring as often as you liked.
Dunno. Dislike the label. Why freak? What makes you attractive Mojo isn't you bra or your waist/hip ratio or that the author of the Kama Sutra calls you once a month for advice on new positions but your intelligence, you general optimism and your zest for life. All of which are rarer than you give yourself credit for. Does that make you a freak?
The only other way I can see around this is to keep searching for that 5% who has done the hard work to become more functional. So 5 out of 100, or 1 out 20 means you’ve only got another 15 or so dates to go before the odds work out for you…. unless my 95% estimate is all wrong.
Cobra, I read about the same thing (5%) on other forums written by MC's.
They suck, especially when they are in regard to men, in regard to a highly intelligent, HD woman, who has just recently undergone major life changes.