Yep, here I am again. I am still separated and I have been gone for three months. My husband has been nice and seems interested in coming home but we do not talk about it. I have been dating a "Bad Boy" and that has made things difficult. I believe that Divorce Busting truly works. If I wanted my husband to come home, I believe it could happen but I need to sort out so many things first.
Update: The dating did help me to move on and somehow this probably did help my husband see me differently but it got truly complicated with this Bad Boy. I am not sure where else to write about it but this Bad Boy actually kissed (maybe more) someone else when he was drunk right in front of me and that other woman was someone my husband supposedly had inappropriate flirting with also! Of course it is now over between this Bad Boy and me, but that really hurts also! Now I feel devastated that one woman in our whole town may have bedded both men I as involved with. Boy, can I pick them or what? Or does this woman have a vendetta against me? We are both bartenders so maybe it is just a coincidence but I just texted the man I was dating that it was hurtful to me that he kissed someone that my husband may have had an affair with. I doubt the Bad Boy would care but I feel like I have lost so much progress that I have made moving on with someone new besides my husband. Yes, we did have a physical relationship, (a great one at that )because the celibacy thing lasted about 9 months for me. Now I am not sure what to do. I do not think I could be sexual with my husband since he cheated on me so I guess I will be alone, again, and that feels like a great loss.
I feel like I did seven months ago when I could not eat or sleep and I exhausted all my friends' ears with sorrow. So I write it here, again. But this time it is not my husband, it is the man I am dating who served as a diversion from my separation. Real dumb, huh? I feel like an idiot walking into this mess again.
Last edited by mkultra; 01/30/0812:16 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Husband Update: I guess I should also journal what I know has been going on with him. He moved in with the OW immediately after I kicked him out for being verbally and emotionally abusive. This was back in early summer of last year. She supposedly dumped him on Christmas day and he has moved into his own apartment. He has been hanging around my home a lot with the kids so I stopped being so dark. I think he realizes that I have moved on with someone new. I am not sure as we do not speak about relationship stuff and everything is second hand. The town is small and there is gossip which I have trouble with. For example, his OW works next door to where my Bad Boy drinks with his biker buddies. She works in an adult type store where my Husband would hang out with her for everyone to see even my beau. Yuck. My husband lost a lot of weight and started dressing really crazy. He still does that. I am exhausted with all this crap. My stbxhusband and my soon to be exboyfriend are both too much for me to handle. I am calling a therapist today.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
hey there, things are bound to get out of hand when a 3rd party is involved as you've found out, small towns don't help either. Hope you find a good T soon, dont' delay it, goodluck hon)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
glad you are back and glad you are calling a therapist. hopefully she will help you figure things out. it must be frustrating, I'm sure.
(((HUGS)))
eta, I get you on the celibacy thing. it sucks. its not fun. its frustrating as hell. but invest in some batteries and a special friend or something while you are searching for yourself. it might help take the edge off, and give you some space outside of an R>
Last edited by SallyM; 01/30/0808:14 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hmm I will think about that. It will be good for me to be alone again to get some clarity. I guess the whole DB thing really worked because I do feel my H is ready to come home. I thought about you a lot Sally when my H would stay over with the kids and I would go upstairs or head out. It was weird coming out of the dark but I had to channel your positivity and just let him be in the home with the kids and they loved it! He probably gets a taste of domestic family life also. Dating was fun but now it is drama so I am out.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
UGH! Things are feeling like they did when I first found out about my H's affair! My sex friend ( I hate that F Buddy term but same difference) is seeing someone else. She is also that same person who was jealous of my H and his mistress and revealed his affair when she found out. She and my lover actually made out at my work in front of my mom. I explicitly told him not to the night before but I was not there. So my mom confronted this skanky girl and she claimed she has been seeing the same man as me but a month longer. My mom did not let on that I was also sleeping with him so who knows? Everyone is shocked because he acted like my boyfriend even though I told him I was not ready for anything too serious. Even his best friend was disgusted. She may not know about me. She says she is selling her home to move in with my lover. Impossible. She says she does not really like him, that he likes her but she wants him to take care of her. He is worth several million and his dad's company is worth much more, yes he is a trust fund heir to some dynasty. Both our families are well off and maybe that is also why we bonded because there was no weirdness about money between us. It is a lie that they are moving in together because the home belongs to his father and no one else can move in so he maybe he is lying to her too. How bizaare. My mom said that even his friends were shocked because they all believed he was in love with me. No one has ever seen this pair together but he is very public with me even with his family. Maybe I was just a fake girlfriend for his family? His best frined thinks he is being vindictive because of the rumours that my H and I have reconciled. My H has been sleeping back in my home since Christmas occassioanally but only because of overnight babysitting as he is still homeless. . Everyone was shocked to see him with this golddigging ugly girl. I am much more kind and cute-believe me. I am aghast that he would do that after I asked him not to hook up with anyone in my workplace. yes, we were not exclusive and that was made clear but this way out of bounds. The worse thing is that my H may know. I dunno but this female knew a lot about me and my H and may be spilling some beans to this ex lover of mine ( as of two days!) He was actually kissing and hugging me in front of her for hours and acted like he did not even know her. Drama that I do not need. UGH!!! I am sorry if this is off the marriage subject but I am heartbroken that I chose such a destructive person to be with during my separation. He initially seemed so nice and discreet, not judgemental, just fun and warm. I have never actually heard of such cruelty. This man acted so in love with me and understanding about my separation because he had gone through it also. His wife was physically and emotionally abusive. He told me he loved me and I did not reciprocate but I did feel pangs of love. I was just not ready to say it so instead I said I loved his shirt. He seemed saddened like he was going to cry. That is not excuse to do what he did. Horrible. I just saw that Oprah is having a divorced woman show tomorrow. OMG. This is happening again. The weight loss-I am probably less than size 4- not so cute, smoking up to six per day, sleepless nights, irritable with kids, not looking forward to meeting anyone again, pimples are popping up. Sorry for ranting I just need to purge it. UGH! I know this sounds lame but how could anyone do this knowing what I have already been through this year? That is just Fed up. He knew my H cheated on me and that I was pretty vulnerable. I was kind and patient and asked him to be cool with the fact that I was alone for a long time. UGH.
Last edited by mkultra; 02/01/0804:58 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
((mukultra)) So sorry you are hurting. I have read MANY times that people feel MORE hurt when their rebound relationship ends than when their marriage went sideways.
I imagine it is because there was a bit of a bandaid effect of avoiding dealing with the pain of the marriage and additionally, all those neato chemicals that come with the first blush of a crush. AND, that first romance can appear to be all that the spouse wasn't and nearly a savior; to have it fail just adds insult to injury.
Time for some healing for Mkultra.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Yes, it does feel horrible that the rebound fling went so badly because I did resist it for many months. I thought it was best to be alone until a final divorce. He was the opposite of my husband in so many ways that it was exciting and I cannot believe I felt in power and safe. I was so wrong to get involved with someone else so damaged from his own divorce. I thought this was a bond but I was wrong. Hmmm. I have to go into work again tonight just like I did after my husband had an affair so publicly. People know about my H's affair and now they know about my lover's affair. How am I to be brave all over again? I guess one breath and smile at a time.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I think you said it best when you said he was the opposite of your H. That's another common theme for rebounds. If I can get philosophical here- the rebound R was put in your life for a reason and to teach you something; can you tell what that is? Maybe it was so that you could remember what it's like to bond with someone. Maybe it was to really drive home that YOU need some time to heal from the damage your H did to the marriage and that healing time probably shouldn't include a romantic relationship.
You CAN get thru this. It sounds to me like there is work to be done on YOU and then later, your marriage. If your H is starting to come out of the fog, you don't want to be all tied up with some other man.
Good luck tonight
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
