Need Advice!

[elocin777]

Thanks w8ting-I know the anger is not good for any of us and it doesn't seem to matter to H anyway, so there is no purpose except to make metter worse. I like the idea of laying in baed and trying to talk to him but he will just give one word answers and I don't want to push. We do co-parent pretty good except family meetings have been lacking so maybe I should try to have the a couple times a month. Thanks for the advice:) It is very hard to DB when kids are involved.

[elocin777]

Dar S13 has stried to talk to S10 too but he just won't open up to any of us. On a good note I did speak to S10's teacher and the counselor of the fish program. She said he is allowed to talk about his feelings(if he wants) and their activities but not share other children's stories. So she said she will clarify that to the kids. She also said he has opened up quite a bit in the group and was one of the only ones to share his emotions their last session. I told her I was happy because I would much rather him get it out then hold it all in. It sounds like they do a lot of interesting little things with them. I also saw my C today and set up a family session which we have not had since H first left, so I think that might help a little. It just breaks my heart knowing they are in so much pain

[elocin777]

Thanks Jenny I will definitely pick up that book (and ignore the D word too,lol). I appreciate everyone's advice. I was seriously having a meltdown lastnight and was so worried about S10. I just snuggled all night with him(which C said I need to start getting him in his own room a least a couple nights a week). S10 has been in my bed since H left-he said he's scared and I feel bad. My H says I baby them too much but I know they are hurting.

[ba065]

You are doing great Nicole...hang in there! You need to take care of the kids and yourself and that's exactly what you are doing. I don't think you are babying them too much...they're kids!

BA

[Virtually_Handsome]

S10 has been in my bed since H left-he said he's scared and I feel bad. My H says I baby them too much but I know they are hurting.

Your H is wrong!

You are doing good Nicole! I'm glad you've gotten so much good advice!

(((((Nicole)))))
(((((S10)))))

[ba065]

Nicole:

So sorry you are having issues with S10. I'll pray for you all and know that you will find a solution to his pain. Kids are resiliant and with proper care and guidance, I'm sure he will be alright. You do what you need to do for him....screw H....if he was in the right frame of mind, he'd be doing the same....but since he isn't then it falls on your shoulders! I'm sorry...but you're a good mom and I know you'll do whatever it requires to make things okay for that little boy.

BA

[elocin777]

Thanks (((BA))) & (((Jeff))) you guys are great! I am trying to focus my energy on them but it is so hard not to think of H too. Of course he blew off the C again today and if he was concerned about kids he would of went. We also have to cancel our family meeting because H will be away on business. Wondering if I should still go by myself with them, but what is the point if it is suppose to be a family meeting. I don't know I guess I will ask my C, what's your opinions on that? Then on the other side I think if he can't make the effort why should I worry about him being at the family meetings because he obviously doesn't care.

[Maya44]

Nicole,
Unfortunately for us LBS's, I guess we have to go about our lives as if H isn't a part of it. I'm being told that ALOT here anyway. It sucks, but I'm finding it's better to have our own lives and focus on us and the kids than wondering what H is doing/up to. I just have to take this same advice even though it's hard!

[elocin777]

Dar,
It is alot easier to give the advice then to actually follow it ourselves. H actually spent sometime with S10 tonight, took him to the movies so I can get some stuff done around house. So I guess I should not complain...I guess he is doing the best he can right now. But it would be nice if he was moving with us, lol!

[sandi2]

Hi Nicole, I'm Sandi. I just wrote a long post to you and then I hit something and it disappeared out into cyberspace somewhere. It may show up at any time in any place! Well, this is another one and it is probably the longest post I've ever written.....and I can write long ones, so hang on.

Nicole, I would like to encourage and support you if I can. I would like to be your friend....if you want to. But, I speak frank and plain and it may sting or just down right hurt your feelings. But, I do not try to say things to be hurtful or mean....ok? I have noticed the majority of people have been telling you that you are doing great, etc., trying to lift your spirits. Well, I guess that is not my talent and I just tell it like I see it, so that is what I'm going to do and if you don't want to ever hear from me again....I'll understand. However, I hope that you will talk to me and know that I am here for you and I really do care....or I wouldn't be re-writing this long post again...lol.

Okay, here goes......hang on. Nicole, sweetie, you are behaving like a "wife"! You must stop it now. When your H left you and the kids, he did not want a "wife" around him at that time. He didn't want to be involved in a "family" right then, b/c everything is about him! Don't you get it? He is in a different world that is all about his feelings and what he wants out of life, etc. You have nagged him to death! You have tried to force him. You have preached and laid guilt trips on him to no end. All it has done is push him farther away and it will continue to do that until you stop it. Stop acting like you are still married to this man. Even if you still are legally man and wife........stop behaving like you are. He is not the same man you married and he is not going to do what you want him to do and he is not going to listen to you. You must stay away from him......stop calling....stop texting....emailing....and most of all, going to his place. It is called detaching. You have not detached at all. Maybe you need to read that chapter on going dark.

Look, I know you are worried to death about the kids and especially S10. Naturally you expect your H to step up and do what a dad is suppose to do. I understand that. But, he doesn't want to deal with it b/c it means being involved with "family stuff" again and he wants to run away from all of that. I would be willing to bet that the only reason he has spent any time with the boys was out of shear guilt from what he knows down deep in his heart he has done to them. I also would be willing to bet that you have "used" the kids as a "power tool" to try to get your H to come back home and pull the family back together. You get mad and want to bang his head against something or want to throw a fit, b/c he isn't doing what he "should" do to help you with the boys, and to fix things. It isn't going to happen, sweetheart. Now for a long time......and maybe never. Of course we hope and pray that in time he will come out of the MLC and go back home, but he won't as long as you continue to do all this stuff that is clearly not working b/c you are acting life a nasty little "wife"!

He needs professional help....but he needs to be the one to seek it out. He doesn't want YOU to find a C for him or to do anything else. He doesn't want you interfering in his life. Remember, he wanted to get away from you. So, why are you still going over there and why are you snooping, spying, calling the OW, and all the stuff that DR clearly says is the worst thing to do to a WAS? You are pushing him farther and farther away from you. All of this stuff he has heard and seen from you is certainly not attractive and not somebody he would want to be around. So, stop acting life a "wife". Leave him alone. This is almost cruel to say, but I'm going to say it. Not only do I feel that he is doing what little he does with the boys out of "guilt", but I would bet that he slept with you b/c he was horny and the OW wasn't available at the time......and you were. That is harsh words, I know. But think about it. Think about how he treats you afterwards. You know in your heart, Nicole, it's the truth.

If you will detach, go dark, get a life that is just for you and the boys and stop trying to "force" him to be a part of it.....I think it is the only chance you stand to woo him into seeing what a wonderful life you and the boys are having and that he sees all the personal work you've done on yourself (which is what you are suppose to be doing all this time) and he starts seeing a glimer of the woman he fell in love with......that will be attractive to him. You are not interesting to him right now. You are not an attractive person right now (b/c of your behavior---not your physical looks) and that needs to be the goal that you set.....work on becoming the best person you can become. That may get him back.....and it may not, but it is the only chance you have! That is why the book tells us to do it for ourselves with the intention that it may be for a life without him. If he chooses to give you up, then he is the loser.....but you will be the better person and make a better life for whatever the future may hold.

Now about the S10. It breaks my heart, Nicole, and I don't even know him. I can only imagine how you must worry. I know in your heart that you want to blame all of this on your H and make him feel bad enough that it will cause him to come back home and be what you want him to be and have your family like you want it to be. Wheather you admit this or not....it is what you are secretly wishing to happen. If he came home out of pressure.....it would be hell. B/c he is not ready and he does not want that at this time. You have got to read and try to understand about men going through MLC!

Let's talk about your part of this. You say the S10 is scared and wants to sleep in your bed b/c he feel insecure. You told us that you took an overdose of pills and spent 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital. That is a long time for an overdose. Were you in the Psyc ward? Did S10 see you take the pills? Did he understand what was going on and why you were in the hospital? You see, we adults get so involved in the situation that we forget to really sit down and explain to the children what is happening. Sometime we just assume too much and think they know and understand.....but they don't. He may have thought you tried to kill yourself and who knows when you may try it again? He may have thought you were going to die any day during that 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital. Was he allowed to see you while you were there? Do you have any idea how he was affected by your attempted suiside? He may be afraid that everytime you get upset with your H that you will try suiside again. I would nearly steak my life on the fact that he has seen and heard things that you had no idea about.

Now what about this part you said?

I will not be sneaking out to H's at night anymore when kids are home because that is totally selfish and irresponsible that is a promise to myself

Is it any wonder the child is having insecurity feelings about being left alone and afraid? My God! Do you know how many times he may have woke up during the time you had sneaked out of the house at night, only to find you gone? So, don't blame your H or his side of the family b/c you have done you share of causing this child to be afraid. And as far as the school counselor.....let me say this about that. They are trained very little in psychology. Most of their work is revolved around state test scores, etc. Unless you are in a very large city that can afford a Certified Psychologist in the school system, I would not depend on the regular school "counselor" to help your child. And the special programs.......they all sound good for the students, but there have been thousands of federally funded school programs that was nothing more than a joke and the adults that were involved in the program (not all of them, but most) were simply there for the federal money they got for it and soon the program ceased. I said that to say this......get your son to a professional for help! Don't rely on the school personnel to fix him. I know what I'm talking about here b/c I have worked in a school system for nearly 30 years and most of that was around the counselors and the so called programs that were suppose to be so great. And I don't base that just on our schools, but on what I have heard and read and been told by inside people from other districts. So, please be careful and don't risk serious mental or emotional problems with people who are not truly qualified to help him.

Now, I know you feel like I have beaten you up one side and down the other......but I know you love those kids of yours and want help for them. I think that you are finally getting focused on them, where before you were so consummed with your H and the MR and the Ow......(which was enough to have a break down over) that you may not have been there emotionally for the boys as much as you thought you were.

I hope by now you will start to be strong enough to exclude your H where the kids are concerned (daily bases stuff) and except like I said....when it is an emergency,etc. Set up a visitation schedule and when he comes to visit the boys or take them somewhere.....don't stick around while he is there with them. Instead, make it your business to have somewhere to go or something to do. It makes you appear to be more interesting and not clingy and neeedy like you would if you were to hang around with them. He would see right through that. So, GAL and go to it when he comes over to see the kids.

Honey, you can't make him be a father and you can't try to be mom and dad both. All you can do is what you are suppose to do for the boys. The H has to answer for his own responsibility in his role. But, it's not your place to try to force him to do it.

I know you miss him and need the physical affection. I can hear it in your post that you are that type of person that craves physical affection. These people that have that strong need....or love language.....has a very hard time keeping away from their spouse. But, you've go to do it.....you've got to pull away from him in order for him to move up closer to you.

Don't call him......and when or if he calls.....don't talk about R or anything else that is a trigger point for a fight. Keep it like a business call and sound upbeat and pleasant and make sure you end the call first (again showing that you are not needy). If he asks about the kids, tell him what he ask but don't tell him what they want from him, etc. Make it short and friendly and then give the phone to the kids. You know all this already if you have read very much of the threads here on the board.

Nicole, I don't have a doubt that you have the power to turn this thing around. But "time"......oh that awful thing called "time". You've got to give your H time to hit rock bottom and allow him to do it....you can't protect him or help him. It is the hardest thing in this world to stand back and watch a dear loved one destroy themselves. You feel so helpless.

I pray that it won't come to that and he will come out of this MLC soon and see what a wonderful family he is missing out on. Nicole, please do what Michelle says to do in her books. You can, sweetie.

Take care of yourself and your boys. And Nicole........get a life for yourself, ok?

God bless your family.


Sandi