Well it's been a realllly long time since I visited this board. I came here back in 2006 when my hubby of almost 12 years decided to dump me. I was talking with someone the other day about what got me through my divorce without losing my sanity or hanging myself from the nearest telephone pole, and this website was one of them. I had several people who followed my story and would write to me. I don't know if any of them are here anymore, but I just wanted to say thanks to those people if they ever come across this post. This community of people probably saved my life on many occasions when I felt so alone. I was an army wife and we had just been relocated, so I was forced to go through all of this completely alone. So this community really helped me get through those almost suicidal moments of depression when I felt like I wanted to just dissappear.
This website/advice did not save my marriage, but it did save my divorce! If that makes any sense...lol....My ex husband was dead set on divorcing me from the start and in the end I never could change his mind. However, I learned a lot of techniques here which really helped me cope and get everything I needed out of the divorce settlement AND to move on with my life and not just sit here and die.
I thought I would post my own version of a success story , even though it is not the happy ending I am sure you all would want to hear. You can read back on old posts, and see that I was a stay at home mom, homeschooling, of 4 kids at the time 10,5, 2 and 1 when he walked out. I stayed in the house, cooked and cleaned and had no friends or life of any kind for the entire span of our marriage. He began cheating on me before he left first with an 18 year old (and there were pictures just in case I needed a bigger knife in the heart). She was gorgeous, perfect body. Then he moved on to another girl. When he left me, I was overweight, mid 30's and thought my life was over.
I couldn't stop him from divorcing me, but I did learn how to deal with him from a non emotional place. I learned how to "detach" here on the boards, which is what I HAD to do, to think smart enough not to get screwed in the divorce. Whether people agree with it or not, I hired a kick ass lawyer and it was worth every single penny. I got more child support than anyone could ever imagine. I got well over half his income. I also got half his retirement, the house, the cars, and everything in it. There is not anything I didn't get from a legal perspective. I've got enough money that if I wanted to, I could continue living just as I did before, only better because now I control the checkbook. As a matter of fact, I'm better off financially now than I was before. He never let me have a checkbook or an ATM card. Since he left, I have learned how to pay bills, manage money, and save it! I am debt free, own my own home, and to be perfectly honest...I'm better at it than he was! I actually have a savings account now, and I picked out my own checks. And they're cute too.
He moved straight in with one of the many women he was cheating on me with, and as soon as the divorce was final he went on a week long cruise to the Bahamas and married her. Now she's 9 months pregnant and about to give him his 5th child...4 with me and now 1 with her. Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to get on the Jerry Springer show. However, I have detached like a crazy person. I have never been anything but nice to this woman. Never said a cross word to her. The first time she met me she was afraid to get out of the car. I walked over, shook her hand, and welcomed her to the family. I've been so incredibly nice that even my own husband has wondered who has taken over my body. Maybe I learned to detach TOO well. But I made up my mind, that if he was going to divorce me no matter what....then I was NOT going to let him get the best of me. I was going to plaster a smile to my face and act AS IF this was the most completely normal thing in the world. Whenever he came over to get the kids for a visit, I would make sure to get myself all dressed up, new outfit, nails, make up, the works. That way he would think I was going "out". He many times got curious and wondered what I was doing. As soon as he left, I went back inside, changed into my pajamas, sat on the couch and cried. Usually with a big bottle of wine..lol...but I NEVER EVER let him see that. NEVER.
Then pretty soon I stopped just going back in the house. I did go out. To the bookstore, to the mall. I forced myself to make friends, go out to dinner with them, go to the movies. I broke into tears at the most inappropriate times around people that didn't know me, and then I wiped them away and kept on going. Every month when my money hits the bank it hurts a little less
But the one thing I want to say to all of you is that when my hsuband left me I felt like the biggest loser. I was fat, mid 30's and my life was over. I literally contemplated suicide. I thought no one would ever want me. I thought I was all washed up. Then I made a new friend.....someone who offered to help out with things around the house when they broke, if I needed something fixed, you know all those little things a husband does. And since I didn't have a husband he offered to do them for me. He was built, hot, and Latin. He used to model. It never even crossed my mind that he would EVER be remotely interested in me. He flirted with me for 4 months before I realized he was actually flirting with me. I was so SURE that I was washed up, used up, fat, and over the hill, that no man would want me. But you know what?? He thought I was cute, sweet, funny, smart...who me??? And one day he kissed me like I had NEVER been kissed before. And from there things happened that I would not post the details of because they'd steam up the screen, but let me tell you it was better than it was in 12 years of marriage. I had myself a Latin Lover!!!!! And I dated him for a year, and it was crazy and beautiful and I had an entire chapter of my life that I had no idea was out there for me to live. And I felt like sending my ex husband a big thank you note for dumping me like yesterday's trash. One person's trash is another person's treasure.
But then after a year, I wasn't so sure if I wanted a serious relationship. Started getting used to being single and realized I don't need a man to get by. I learned how to fix my own toilet. So I broke things off with HIM...how do you like that??? And guess what? There are other men interersted in me too from time to time. There ARE other men out there. None I really see myself settling for though. After all, I've done just fine on my own.
And you will too.
And I get along with my ex husband perfectly. I take all his money, and I do it with a smile I'm always nice to him and now he feels so comfortable with me that he calls me all the time just to chat. He can't believe how much I've changed, and he almost died when he saw my new boyfriend. He couldn't believe someone that hot would be interested in me. And all of a sudden...he tells me not to settle, because I'm too special and I'm worth a lot.
This from the man who told me I wasn't worth a DAMN.
Interesting how the tables turn, isn't it?
And in the back of my mind, I wonder sometimes if things might not come full circle someday. But I got so busy doing a 180 and acting as if everything was ok...that before long...it was!
Anyway, I just hope all of you are doing well and thanks for all of you that helped me when I was one moment away from the edge.
What a wonderful story. Thank you. I hope I do half as well as you did and are doing. Getting kicked to the curb hurts a lot - I am just starting my journey being single so your post is well timed.
Good job on the lawyer - I did the same and did well with the money piece too. Sounds like your Ex deserved it - imagine taking up with an 18 year old when he had a one year old at home. Makes me sick.
You know, I have to agree with you about the DR book. I've told others that I think the techniques help the "dumpee" get a grip, get on with life, detach, and move on rather than help put your marriage back together. I think if a person has their mind made up, there is nothing you can do to change it. But you can do a lot to change yourself so you can accept the inevitable and move on. That's really the only thing DR did for me.
Everyday, I always repeat "I'm getting stronger every day," "I'm getting better every day." Daily positive reinforcements work wonders for your everyday well-being.
Have a wonderful life, and thanks for sharing your wonderful story.
All my best, alamogirl
Me - 48 (at time of 1st bomb) H - 43 married - 16 Jul 94 no children 1st bomb - (said he was leaving) - 3 Jun 06 2nd bomb (said he was ready to file) - 10 Nov 06 H filed divorce - 17 Nov 06 Divorce finalized - 20 Jul 07
You definately encouraged me as I am in the beginning stages of D. Question how did you get to keep the house? Did you have good enough credit to put in your name? My H makes $30 thousand more than I and I sure do hope the judge is fair w/ the child support.As I have had a bad experience w/ an awful judge before who took H's side. I will be a single mom of 3 girls. I too have lost weight on this D diet! The last time I went to H's office to drop off the girls his coworker made several loud compliments and looked over @ H to make sure he heard!LOL!! He sure made me feel good!
Good for you on the Latin lover, but IMO- stay away from the latinos...!! Too many bad experiences in my part! I know I am generalizing.
