W and I are living together pretending to be married until school gets out. 2 years ago she was unhappy because I have been in depression / anxiety / self medicating for many years. She found her 'soulmate' and decided we were done. I hung on, got better as best I could and when the ultimate crash came for her I picked her up, got us back to a point of stability and our family was back together. But I didn't get myself fully healed and the pressure of our financials, the hurt from the affair and the always uncertain feeling that she would leave if things got bad wore me down to where I eventually ended up in the same place. Even though she said she had learned what 'commitment' meant she eventually decided that her commitment to 'herself and her own growth and path in life' was more important that her commitment to seeing me through my crisis. she was 'done'. She was 'sad she couldn't make her marriage work, that she couldn't keep her commitment'.
Later I find out she's in a text message 'friendship' with a guy she was around for a week because he was one of the chaperones as part of a high school band trip over xmas - new years.
When I confront her because he's married, she says it's nothing, they are just friends, he loves his wife, she has met his wife, etc, etc.
But, it fits her pattern from two years ago. Another man is nice to her, she decides that the grass is greener 'out there'. Other people are happy, she deserves to be happy too. Never mind that I've been dying for the past year after I gave all I had to get her out of her mess.
So, here I am. Unlike the last time, this is not a 'DB'ing situation. It's time for me to put everything I have into me and detach from her as best I can. Last time I 'fixed' everything. Except myself. Then I repeated my own fall and she bailed when I was at the bottom.
Even my counselor, who helped us DB last time said that she is toxic to me right now, and I need to get away from her. She said that W knew I was on the edge of my own crash a year ago and was told she needed to help me because I had lost a lot of my 'self' by being selfless and caring for her during the affair.
It's been 4 weeks since she decided she was 'done'. During that time I have had to find out what to do to fix my own stuff, while having the added weight of divorce put on my shoulders.
Financially we're really bad off. I'm slowly able to work on projects but in the beginning of January I had reached my bottom, realized that she wasn't going to help me in any meaningful way and finally set about a course of action that would get me feeling better. But then this happens so instead of being better off by now, we're worse off.
I don't check her phone records or e-mail for calls or messages. It doesn't matter - I already know from 2 years ago that she is capable of having an affair if she thinks it will 'make her happy' so why bother confirming it or not. Just knowing she CAN is enough.
We are coordial at home, but sometimes I am more 'brief' with her than other times. When that's the case her response is to be angry at me. I do my best not to talk to her if I can avoid it.
Sometimes I will feel more friendly and joke or talk with her more and she becomes friendlier. There have also been times when I've been really upbeat and she has seen other women pay attention to me. Later at home she does weird things like 'dance around' within view of me, like she wants me to notice her.
She has friends who have been through the last 2 times where she's 'tried' to leave, including the affair. They have always supported her because she has 'suffered' so much.
Well, that's it. Instead of normal DB'ing where I do everything to be 'nice' and supportive of her decisions I have been advised by everyone on the board I know, and our counselor, to let her go and focus on building up my own self esteem so I can be stronger when the divorce starts and be able to take care of the kids, since W is unable to financially.
As an aside, she hasn't done anything concrete to increase her income so she can support herself. I guess she thinks that she has time since we are 'holding off' till June so as not to disrupt the kids school. We sleep in the same bed but she keeps distance between us. Sometimes during the night she may roll towards me and her hand touches me and she doesn't immediately move away. Means nothing I guess, just interesting.
Sometimes she calls me to tell me where she is and what her schedule is for the day. She may start out with a happy 'hi!' and if I respond to her comments and questions with indifferent tones she will slowly get angry in her tone of voice.
I've been going out at night, usually to call a friend for support, and I tell her I am going to Borders for coffee or something (she always asks where I'm going).
So, she doesn't like me to be detached. Last time I was her best friend. This time I can't put myself through that again.
Counselor says she thinks that she is afraid to leave (W said she was finally strong enough to leave me, she was afraid before because she didn't think she could support herself) but she wants to make sure I will still be there for her when she is on the 'other side' of the door.
It's hard. She has some divorced girlfriends who she has started going out with on some nights to a Salsa Dance club. She told me she was going tonight and asked me if it interfered with my plans. I just told her "I'll be home".
It still hurts. I want to do SOMETHING to fix it but I do realize that I need to stick to my current plan to fix ME. AmyC said to me "When is someone going to be afraid they might lose FRANK?"
I don't know if she will ever get to that point, but I need to get to the point where I FEEL like I am worth fighting FOR, instead of leaving.
Spent a lot of today talking to various clients and potential clients trying to get them to pay me deposits for work now, or at least make commitments. It's hard to get people to move when YOU want them to.
Got a call from the mortgage company, if I don't pay one of the past due payments by the 31st they will put me into the 'foreclosure' group. It isn't the end of the world because I can still pay after that date and hold them off but it adds to the pressure. They did say that if congress passes this 'mortgage relief' bill that the lenders will lower our payments for some period of time, possibly by 1/2 or more. But we have to be less that 30 days past due.
Around here the market has been very very bad. Something like 700 foreclosures in 2007. And as I have been trying to say, IF I sell the house I better have an income that will support me in paying rent for another house, which oddly enough is almost the same as the MORTGAGE. So, what would I really save if I sell? Maybe about $1,000 a month. Our mortgage is $2,700, a typical 3 bedroom house is $2,000 rent. Even a 3 bedroom condo is in the $1,800 range. We have two dogs which makes it harder to find anything. Plus I'd lose the tax deduction if I rent. Keeping the house is a logical choice but it's going to be hard. Especially after W leaves and I don't have any of her income ($2k per month if she has a good month).
If W is lucky, she can afford a 1 bedroom apt but not much else.
I need TIME to rebuild my self, my business, my strength. Keeping the house and cutting back on other things is, right now, the only good choice GIVEN the fact that I know that my W will NOT be able to support the kids. It takes a good 3-4 months to foreclose a house, and if I keep making sporadic payments the mortgage company will keep putting it off because they do NOT want to foreclose houses.
I just need time to rebuild myself. Just some time.
My partner in one of my businesses and I had a call with a potential buyer who will have to pay me a monthly fee to maintain the software and infrastructure if he does buy our company.
It went really well, he was impressed with the software I had created to manage all this infrastructure and I'm hopeful he will come through with a purchase.
Still, that will take a month or so. I so wish I had a supportive wife instead of what I do have right now. It isn't the lack of money, it's the lack of having a partner that hurts the most.
W is starting to get more and more pissy with me. She came into my office to tell me 'dinner is ready' (she usually calls on the intercom). I turned and smiled, said in a neutral but (I thought) friendly tone 'ok, thanks'.
She then mocks me with an "ok BYE" in a tone of voice that can be described as 'rude'. So I looked at her and said "what's that about?" and she said "Well I was just showing you how you are talking to me". Hmm. So I said "Sorry, THANK YOU for making dinner" and smiled at her. She said "You're welcome" and left.
I guess I'm just not nice enough to her. But wait, isn't she divorcing me? Isn't she 'done' and 'tired of being a wife'?
Go figure. FaithIsBelieving and others have said that as you detach and stop giving them the attention they seem to require, they get meaner. How fun.
First of all Frank, I am sorry to see you move here. Secondly, I want to tell you how how helpful you were to me when I first arrived and for a long time after that. I know a lot of people think very highly of you.
You probably know the answers to eveything that you need to do. You've been here before. It's ALL ABOUT YOU and your KIDS right now. The problem is that in your situation, your W. is constantly THERE. I have had the opportunity to put 18 months of physical separation between me and her, waiting for the inevitable fall which will undoubtedly occur when I return, and the physical separation has been great for ME. I'm not really into what's good for HER right now. I have to survive, and get myself ready to do that.
I know a lot of women from my kids schools. I never text any of them! Does the guy's wife know he's texting your W? I think not.
Frank, as you know, WAWs do not think love and commitment are choices. They continue to chase the elusive "happy". You don't owe it to your wife to make her happy. She needs to feel happy in herself. As a friend of mine here said "That's an individual soldier task".
I'm clapping my hands here Frank. Not because you are over here, but because of your attitude gradually changing. Well done. (Hope that doesn't come off as a bit condescending because it isn't meant that way).
January ia always a bad time to get money out of people - after Christmas, recession etc....but I am sure if anyone can do this - you can!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi I have also read on another forum that financial issues are actually a good reason for people to stay under the same roof and if one partner is actively trying to save the marriage it helps it in the long run. That is one good thing about staying under one roof! I also live in California and rent would actually be more than our mortgage up here! I hope I can sustain staying in our home also. I may take in a border from a foreign country who wants to learn English.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hi Frank, I rarely post here, I'm mostly a lurker but I have followed your story. I hope you don't think I am out of line jumping in here but....
Why don't you sit down with your wife and discuss what she can do in the immediate future to ease the financial burden for the family? If that means her massage therapy business isn't going to take off in the near future then she needs to find some kind of alternative employment to bring in support. You are putting this all on yourself and your shouldn't. I'm not sure if you think that you should be the one to support the family so you haven't thrown down the gauntlet, but grown-up (like yourself) step up to the plate when times are tough, she needs to grow up and start helping. If that means she has to shelve her dream of a massage business/school and so on, so be it.
Trying to catch up here Frank. DB principles always apply frank, but, we walk on eggshells initially...we hold in our anger....we do everything to try and save the M.
But there ARE boundaries frank. They DO have to make choices. The people here have gone ABOVE AND BEYOND to try and save everything. After awhile frank, you have to say to yourself "I've kept my end of the bargain. I honored my vows."
What about YOUR happiness?
When was the last time you heard 'honey, I missed you today?'
or
'frank, lets sit down and see if together we can come up with a financial plan to get us out of this mess'?
When was the last time you heard the garage door opening or front door creak open and you said, 'ahhh..my wife is home'.
I am only able to repeat the ongoing recs: you need to stop focusing on the M; you need to do what YOU want/need to do; if you are thinking about what to do to affect her...or..focusing on the interactions between her and her divorced friends, then you are wasting your time.
Next time you feel this..go for a walk....get coffee and read...take your kids for ride/dinner/movie. Do something different. I agree that you need to take yourself away. Afterall, Frank, even michele says that the LRT means you must be willing to follow thru.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I hesitate to suggest but have you done or tried some of the obvious already? - talk to your mortgage holder and make interest only payments - refinance for a lower rate and/or extend your payments - W gets a part time job that accomodates her massage schedules - do your kids contribute? after school jobs? - cut the extras out of your budget, don't be afraid to say no - consolidation loan - use MasterCard to pay Visa - use coupons to shop - shop at the used clothes store - have a rummage sale/sell on ebay
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
