My wife and I have ben seperated for 2 months. I have been seeing another woman for about 3 months now. One side of me wants to try and put my marriage back together, and the other wants to do other things. I do still love and care for my wife, she and I have totally different views on many things, and our attitudes and personalities are conflicting. The other woman I am seeing is a lot more lot me, and she and I have a wonderful time when we are together. Every time I see my wife I want so much to try and work things out, but as soon as I have time to think I want to continue on and get a divorce. What do these feelings mean, can my wife and I get past our many differences, will telling her about the other woman be a good idea even if we try to save our marriage, and are my fellings for the other woman to be ignored(fellings which are very very strong).....and what do these feelings for the other woman mean?
Let's see. Of course your feelings for the OW are strong. Right now, she is everything your W is not. She listens, she cares, she treats you like you want your W to treat you. You see a future with this woman that you do not see with your W. I am not going to say your feelings are bogus, but right now, because of the problems in your sitch, you could have on blinders.
I would suggest you take a step back from the OW, have a sit down with your W, and figure some things out before you decide on a D. You have not given any history as to what your problems may be with your W other than personality differences. Are you saying you and the OW mesh perfectly? If you say yes, then you do have on blinders. If you want to get pass the differences you have with your W, you can. You just have to want to.
My wife and I have been married for 5 yrs. I have 2 kids from prev. marriage and we have 2 together. I t allways seemed that I was the one doin everything. She did help with kids and house chores, but not as I think a stay at home mom should. I catch alot of slack from my family about how I do everything. She likes to hollar at the kids not abusive but loud. I am a calm and collective person. I have talked to her serveral times about that but to no evail. The OW DOES HAVE HER faults as do I and that would be a relationship that would also need some tlc. It just seems like every 5 min. my mind is changing from wanting a D to wanting to work things out with my W.I know my W loves me and It kills me to see as upset and hurt as she is right now, but I just dont think she could change who she is and how she handles her anger. I was so misserrible the last 3 yrs of my marriage I just couldnt live like that. I did try and talk to her about things, but u know how that goes its all my fault allways. Now she is willing to probably so anything to keep us together, but how long is she gona stay that way if she does make some changes. Not that I am perfect I m not by far. I would also have to make some changes for our marriage to work, but I just cant ever se me being happy with again the W.......
SL, Do you want to save your marriage? Do you want to work things out with your W? These are two huge questions you have to ask yourself. If you say yes to these, I would advise against being with OW right now and focus on you and your kids. You have to figure out what made you miserable the last few years and make the changes to make your happier and better. OW can't do that. Only you can. I would also pick up a copy of DB and/or DR because they help tremendously on getting you started.
I am not that familiar with your sitch, but have you and your W tried counseling? I mean if you and she are willing, its a great first step to repairing your R and hopefully building a better and stronger one. But I don't feel you can do this by dividing your energy on OW. Its better to take this time to focus on you.
your sitch is similar to mine, well, i'm the W in this case, and my H was not happy for a while, he left, I was devastated and only then did I see the error of my ways, saw myself for the first time (was a nag, didnt' take care of myself, put my kids ahead of H, too tired to ML). I truly repented and felt ashamed about how I treated my H. My H wouldnt' believe my changes (after all, who would? a few months compared to a few years of that kind of treatment?) to him it was too little too late. As long as she admits she had a hand in the demise of the M there is a chance. You've been hurt and prob held your misery (much, much like my H) until you could no longer bear it and left.
My H also had an ow, who was all I wasnt', listening, gave him undivided attention (she was single with no worries on the world and I always busy with my 2 little ones), the novelty, the newness of it mesmerized my H and he was taken by her. I also dont' want to deny your feelings, but in all honesty, the woman you are seeing now is a crutch, you are hurt and you want it to be alright and this ow makes you feel so good. Ask yourself, didnt' it feel this good when you are your W were first going out? it is romantic love, the first stage, when you feel something powerful and just want to be w/this person. This SHALL pass, and down the line you will find yourself in the same spot as now as you have not solved what went wrong in your M (lack of communication). You can't get onto a new R with the same baggage. Please, please give your W another chance, give yourself another chance, you have a history together, you have 2 children who deserve a 2nd chance. I'm not saying move back because sometimes distance does help. I'm sure she'd agree to M counceling (though as long as you keep ow on the side you won't be giving your M a fair chance.)
Does the ow know you r married?, if yes, what kind of woman would go out with a married man? if not, arent you deceiving her? My H can't get over the guilt of the R with the ow, that R messed with his head so much.
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...and what do these feelings for the other woman mean?
Feelings betray us, just because we feel something doesn't mean it is right, feelings are irrational and must be put under scrutiny. You will find the answer to this question in the book "After the Affair", please get it, you will see why the ow feels so right and your W so wrong.
Imagen yourself years from now, looking at your grown children's faces and telling them that you didnt' really gave them and the family a fair chance during the S, that you didnt' fight for your M because at the time you were having strong feelings towards a woman.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
My wife and I have been married for 5 yrs. I have 2 kids from prev. marriage and we have 2 together.
so why did you leave your "prev. marriage"? sounds like maybe you dont really believe in the concept of "marriage for life"?
Becuase that concept is completely antithetical to the attitude of, "i'll stay for as long as I'm happy"
I bet if you asked 50 couples who had been married 50 years, that not one of them would say, "we've never had a bad year".
sounds like half the "problems" in your marriage, are just attitude issues on your side. for example, "She did help with kids and house chores, but not as I think a stay at home mom should."
Are the kids fed, clean, and taken care of? IF the answer is "yes", then maybe you need to just cut your wife some slack and get over yourself. Sounds like the one making you the most unhappy in your marriage... is you.
No one is perfect. No one is YOU, either. If you dont like how your wife cleans the house or whatever... how about you do it yourself? (you have FOUR CHILDREN messing up the house. sheesh...)
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I just cant ever se me being happy with again the W.......
once again: when you got married, did you promise to stay with her, "for as long as I'm happy with you?"
If you stop focusing on "am I happy?", and focus instead on, "am *I* doing everything I can to make my marriage a good one?", then your marriage will improve. And as a happy side effect, you will feel better about it!
Last edited by Dom R; 01/29/0805:38 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
So do you make it a habit to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire or is it just with your personal relationships such as from one marriage to another and while still married, into an affair?
Seems to me a good deal of the problem here is you and your self-important attitude.
When you decide to be a man and get rid of the bandaids (the other woman), perhaps we can help you.
ok I can go more into detail here cause I am really in need of serious help on this. During my M. I own a buisness but I seldom work late or bring work home it is a well off company with good managers I just oversee and collect dough no home probs. there. I took kids to school every day picked them up every day did all grocery shopping even at times took kids to doctor. I dont want to have a big head here but I felt like I was doing all while she sat there. If I tried to talk to her about things it allways got turned around on me. So I just started keeping it to myself let her know that I was unhappy and held it all in till I blew up. I wasnt looking for OW it just kinda happened. OW has just ended a D so we kinda have the alot to talk about thing going. As for the fellings for her I understand all about the new R thing. But I just feel so hopeless about my marriage right now she still even now wants to turn things around on me when I try to talk to her. I know I have faults, prolly a lot, I want to be with my W and would leave OW in 1 sec. if I thought things would change in my M. She wants us together and she loves me very much I know that and that makes this extreamly hard. But If she does change to start helping me some how long will it last? She and I have had serious probs b4 and talked it out, I mean she had an affair on me once that I suspect I still hold a grudge on but we worked through it, but now I just dont have the drive to try anymore and it kills me cause I love my kids and I still have feelings 4 her to a point. As for my 1st marriage that was just a disaster. that women turned into a bi sexual freak and was constantly cheating on me and I really had no other option but D cause she didnt care and she told me she didnt......
I really appreciate everyones help I have some serious thinking to do. I will keep you updated on the progress, any other suggestions will be greatly welcomed. I guess I am wanting someone to tell me its ok to get D and see what happens with OW, but I am ultimately the one who has to decide that, but I will make sure the blinders come off and that I do talk to my W about things and explore all options b4 I make a major decision. ty
no home probs. there. I took kids to school every day picked them up every day did all grocery shopping even at times took kids to doctor. I dont want to have a big head here but I felt like I was doing all while she sat there. If I tried to talk to her about things it allways got turned around on me. So I just started keeping it to myself let her know that I was unhappy and held it all in till I blew up. I wasnt looking for OW it just kinda happened. OW has just ended a D so we kinda have the alot to talk about thing going. As for the fellings for her I understand all about the new R thing. But I just feel so hopeless about my marriage right now she still even now wants to turn things around on me when I try to talk to her. I know I have faults, prolly a lot, I want to be with my W and would leave OW in 1 sec. if I thought things would change in my M. She wants us together and she loves me very much I know that and that makes this extreamly hard. But If she does change to start helping me some how long will it last? She and I have had serious probs b4 and talked it out, I mean she had an affair on me once that I suspect I still hold a grudge on but we worked through it, but now I just dont have the drive to try anymore and it kills me cause I love my kids and I still have feelings 4 her to a point. As for my 1st marriage that was just a disaster. that women turned into a bi sexual freak and was constantly cheating on me and I really had no other option but D cause she didnt care and she told me she didnt......