I am recently seperated from my wife. So here's my story.
Married 21 years. Had always been best friends. Kids moved out to go to college, S moved out last year and D moved out in August. Wife and I were getting along really well up until about Oct. W was seeing a counselor for her weight issues and she came home from one of the meetings and wanted to talk about what was wrong with our relationship, I didn't react well, got angry wanted to know why, when were getting along better than we had in a long time, we couldnt just enjoy each other.
Since that time she has grown more distant and before the holidays she brought up a trial seperation, I was devestated and didn't think it was a good plan. Needless to say I was hurt and didn't always handle myself in the best ways during the holidays. There were many fights and she brought up, pretty much, every bad thing I had ever said or done clear back to the time we were dating.. She won't or can't seem to forgive me. After many disucssions regard seperating I finally moved out last thursday. It was just easier for me to stay at the fire hall and let her stay at the house and it was a heck of alot easier than fighting. We talked last Saturday and she dropped the "I love you but I am not in love with you" bomb on me. I was devestated further to say the least. I still love her very much. And I don't know what to do, I ordered one of Michelle's books but I am just lost.
Just to clarify when I say "all the bad things I have ever said or done", I have never cheated on my wife. I always thought I was a good husband, I don't go out and party with my buddies, I love spending time with her. We have had our arguments and during those arugments things have been said and she seems to have a photographic memory for those. It feels, to me, that she brings all those things up as an excuse to be angry with me and to justify our seperation. I don't belive and she has stated that there is no one else.
I am not sure if what she is going through is a midlife crisis or what? Heck I am not too sure about much right now.
I guess I am just looking for some support right now..
Hi Fyreman238 - sorry you have to be here. It sounds like clear MLC (empty nest syndrome). I am in a very similar sitch.
This is very painful, but you have found a great place. I always feel more calm after I come here. Read as much as you can and stay busy. This is no fun.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
fyremn, sorry to see you here but you will find many great people her and a lot of support.
It does sound like MLC and if it is based on what you say, something that you have to realize is that this is not about you. It is about her. I'm sorry to say but prepare yourself for a long ride.
There are a bunch of resources at the top of this forum. I recommend that you read them. However, don't pay attention to the time line listed. This can vary widely. This is also a link to another site that deals specifically with women in MLC.
There is nothing much I can add, fyremn, that hasn't already been said about MLC being a long ride but that you are in good company. Imageer has given you excellent links. My wife and I were always best friends as well. My kids are still young but my wife has a tendency to project the future and she sees herself as no longer needed. She missed out on life, as she sees it, and is now on her own.
Your wife may be going through similar feelings. As Imageer said, this is your wifes journey and she must work through this on her own, as painful as that may be.
This is the part where loving unconditionally is put to the test.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Hi, I am writing from Australia so imagine that this is arriving at some ungodly hour but I felt compelled to write to you. I have been lurking on this board since January 2006 and logged on briefly once before but your story "inspired " me to comment.
My H left me and was able to recite a list of all our arguments and all my wrong doings through out our marriage - I like to think I didn't keep a list but he obviously did!
Having said that - when we use to argue - I was quick to fire up and lash out and he would say I cant take this - I thought he was "just saying it" after all every one fights ...dont they? Mind you I never called him names or said anything about him as a person I just (in retrospect) felt scared and would fight to win because losing was not option (that was then...if I knew then what I know now.....)
As time went on I realised my flare ups and his slow burns meant that we were different people. what i could get over in half an hour would take him days...we were both sensitive people but in different ways. Our fights impacted on him in a way they never impacted on me.
Since this glaring obvious but new to me revelation I have spoken to other people who have described the same situation one partner fights and flares up and forgets and forgives and the other is traumatized with the damage being long term and far reaching.
so for my $0.02 have a think about how you have interacted in the past - it is painful but you can possibly learn a lot about yourself, her and your relationship.
I am divorced now, very reluctantly on my part, but I can say hand on heart we both made mistakes and I have done my best to understand things from his POV. I was a good wife, CEO, worked full time, bought up two step kids full time (they had different mums but lived with us 24/7 private schools the lot!) looked after our finances, paid the bills you name it superwoman did it! But I never really understood him. I think I understand him better now than I ever did when we were married! He was on a pedestal for me - problem was that people on pedestals are not "allowed" to have faults and being on a pedestal is a pretty lonely scary place....
my suggestion is "seek to understand her point of view before you attempt to "make" her understand yours. Don't expect her to meet your needs if you will not listen, understand and and meet hers"
second suggestion validate validate validate!!!!
I spent the first year begging pleading and crying the second year trying to understand what happened, ho relationships function and what grown up v childish love looks like the third year working out who I was/am 2008 - year 4 is the year of me Good luck and I hope this helps
Thanks for all your help. I think the hardest thing to realize is that this is a long ride.. I just want her to see what is going on and we fix it and move on, but I know that is a foolish notion.
I am going to try and take this time to work on me, I am taking an EMT class right now so that keeps me occupied. And I am just trying to give her space.
W and D came over last night to say hello. W commented that I should have D come over and help me decorate, I REALLY wanted to say "I don't plan on being here that long", but I fought the urge. It kinda hurt but I made myself let it go and went on with the evening.
Thanks again to everyone, your support is greatly appreciated..
Imageer, I went on the site that you suggested, surviveyourwifesmidlifecrisis,com...
I watched the opening video and just about fell out of my chair, those are the exact same arguments my wife and I are having... It was darn near word for word... I thought maybe they had been secretly taping us...
Wow that is crazy, but somehow it actually made me feel a little better to see it and hear those things. Maybe, to realize that this is not all me.
What are anyones thoughts on discussing this with the W. As far as saying that "it seems to me you are having an MLC". Is this a recipe for disaster??
Please don't do this! It is a recipe for disaster...at least in my opinion.
I did this. The night I got the bomb, I mentioned this (I went through this with my dad - knew the signs). My H gave me me a smirky half smile and said "I thought you would say this". And then he proceeded to tell me that he wasn't in a MLC.
What seems clear to us is not clear to them. While all of our situations are different, many of them have the same themes. And one of the same themes that I read over and over is that someone in MLC doesn't think as they used to. My H is not the same man I married. He is doing things and saying things that I could never have imagined from him.
So ask yourself, what do you hope to accomplish by bringing this up to her? That she will have a light bulb moment and all of the sudden think that this is the problem? That you will be able to fix it?
I don't mean to sound harsh. I know you are desperately looking for answers and I know you are desperately looking for a fix. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to "fix" her. You can look at yourself and decide if you are happy with yourself, and if not, fix what you are unhappy with within yourself. But fixing her, you just can't do that.
Please read the resources and follow them. It may or may not work for your M. But it will work for you. You will be able to survive this with your sanity. It is more of a self help guide than anything else.
It will take time, fyremn. And a great deal of patience. More than you ever realized you ever had.
Posting here was the best thing for me. I was and am able to vent here, instead of to my H. I can say things here that I would like to say to him, but know that I shouldn't. Lurk around and post on other threads and more people will visit you. These people here are a great support system!
