Hi Everyone - I am new here. I read DB and SSM a while back. I've read a lot of things. We've been to 3 therapists over a 2 year period. I am the LD/female partner. We've been together 5 years - married for most of that - have a 3 year old child.
My H has been guilty of name calling, yelling, divorce threatening (pretty much from the start), disappearing overnight, silent treatment, etc. He says it is all a result of his frustration over our poor sex life.
Why do I stay? Our last therapist said something that made sense to me - we all have different tolerance levels. I had a dad with a short temper, so i think my tolerance is a bit higher. And i admit - I've been moody and irritable.
Apart from all of the bad things i mentioned about him, and those only take up a small percentage of our time together, my H does many wonderful things and is very helpful around the house and with our child. I want our marriage to work, but now I find myself struggling not to be averse to sex.
I've been to a few doctors - md's, do's, naturopaths. I've tried just about everything. The natural testosterone helped some but spiked my weight up so I stopped and now my libido has fizzled again. I think I am just tired, stressed (I have a parent with alzheimer's and a sibling with terminal cancer - both are alone). I have a full-time stressful job.
So, in the last couple of weeks we have had some good talks. I've said that the entire burden of our sex life should not be on me - that is unfair. We are going to try to take turns with initiating.
My questions are - how do I relax? Will it ever feel better? I want my family to stay together. My husband recently suggested I rub him to orgsm during a sexy movie. He's never said anything like that before! Is this a MLC? Maybe he married me during one? He's 50 and I'm 45.
I'm not sure how well I explained. If you have questions please ask. I've been lurking and reading and there are a lot of people on here with good advice. I like reading posts from both men and women. I didn't post in other sections as this is the heart of our trouble. He would like sex 3-4 times a week. I'd be happy with once a month. Help!
Welcome! I was/am the LDW in my M so I understand your POV. Here are some questions for you:
Has your H read any of these books? Has he ever told you how your sex life makes him feel (hurt, unloved, etc.)? That is probably why he acts the way he does, although that doesn't excuse it. How do you feel when he speaks that way to you?
What was your sex life like early in your relationship? Did you have a higher drive early on? If so, when did your drive start to drop?
Do you orgasm during sex? Do you enjoy sex when you have it?
Do you notice that there are certain times or certain situations when you are interested in sex? Do you need to feel "connected" to your H in order to desire him?
In general I used to want sex only 1 or 2 times a month. I just didn't want it more than that. And I felt like I was doing it for my H and not really for myself, even though I always enjoyed it and usually orgasmed. The turning point for me was when I decided that I wanted to explore my sexuality and have a better sex life not just for my H but for myself as well. But it's taken a while to get there.
H has read some of the books. He always focuses on what he needs and is missing (he's rather selfish yet ironically tells me part of the reason he's so frustrated is because he wants me to feel good. I guess it's the male ego thing?). It seems to me he doens't get much from the parts about what he can do to make it better from the books. Having said that, he is more of a listener than a reader, so if I can find ways to tell him (or maybe I should try a book on tape) it might sink in.
Sex life early on was good - never mind blowing - but to be honest I"ve had very few mind blowing sexual events in my life. They were all very early on in the relationships. I think I often did sex for the wrong reason - to try and give the guy what he wanted or in response to raging hormones even though the connection wasn't there.
Connection is definitely very big for me. I've begged my H to talk to me more - share his feelings. I've begged for some romance. Lately, I've pulled back from being affectionate because I'm afraid he will start thinking I'm interesting in it turning into more. I'll try to bring this up in our next talk.
I only orgasm during sex with c-stimulation. And that doesn't always happen - usually I get tired of waiting for it or think he's tired.
The hormonal urge is rarely there now. I feel very self conscious too because now I think he wants some wild woman in his bed in all these bizarre positions - neither of which is me. That's why I was wondering if this is a MLC. He knew I wasn't like that when we got married.
If I can relax, it generally feels better than doing nothing. But honestly? I'd rather eat chocolate (yep - read that book too).
I only orgasm during sex with c-stimulation. And that doesn't always happen - usually I get tired of waiting for it or think he's tired.
Ahhh... why "wait for it"??
What happens when you try asking for it?
Your H probably expects to have an O pretty much every time. I'm sure he has no problem asking you to do what he thinks would feel good. So how about you do the same?
sounds like you feel guilty about asking your H to do things for you. You dont need to feel that way. The average husband would LOVE for his wife to ask him to do something special for her... if he only knew what she wanted.
Quote:
I've begged for some romance.
The average guy has no idea what that means. If you tell him what that means... i suspect you'd get much better results in that department
If you expect him to be a mindreader about it.... your expectations are probably not going to be met!
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
You should read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's a quick read. Then have H read it too. Might change his mind on talking to you, spending time w/ you. He might "get it". I HIGHLY recommend it.
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
Dom R - I have tried telling him things that I need. However, asking if you like nice is not the same as being told you look nice. You would hope after a while, an intelligent person would get it. And he is intelligent. I think he just reverts to old behaviors. It doesn't matter if it's about compliments, lovemaking, whatever. You are right though that I could try and tell him again - I haven't done it recently.
ksuer - read it. I was serious when I've said I've read most everything. He skimmed it. He understood it, but it didn't change anything.
cemar - I don't need you to dish out more crap to me. There is a difference between desire and want. I wanted to have sex with my husband for a long time even though the desire was gone. Then, after years of verbal abuse, struggling to find out what was "wrong" with me, I woke up one day and realized that most days I didn't even want to have sex anymore - because of all the pressure and lack of understanding on my H's part. This isn't a tit for tat kind of thing. I'm seeking to bring back the passion. I deserve to have that too, and I want our family to stay together. I've made the decision to try one more time to be "in love" and am looking for help on how to rebuild a broken connection. So, if you can't say anything nice, then please don't say anything at all.
Just ignore Cemar. Don't let him bother you. He seems to believe that LD women are the cause of all marital problems. ::big eyeroll:: I think it's great that you are being proactive.
I want to ask again about feelings. Certainly you must have feelings about being verbally abused by your H. Anger, resentment, frustration? Or did you somehow think that you deserved to be spoken to that way? You mentioned your father having a short fuse. Was he verbally abusive too?
I ask these questions because, IMO, before you can look at your sex life you need to look at your relationship as a whole. And if you are suffering verbal abuse at the hands of your H, you have bigger problems than just trying to improve your sex life. Not only that, but sex improvements will be short-lived without dealing with the larger relationship issues. IOW, there is no easy fix.
That said, has he ever told you how your lack of interest in sex makes him feel? I'm guessing no, because you said he doesn't like to talk about feelings. But if you asked any of the men on this board who are sex-starved, they'd tell you that they feel unloved by their W's lack of interest in sex or desire for them.
Your H may be reluctant to talk about his feelings, but you could let him know how his verbal abuse makes you feel. Tell him that you understand that he is hurt by the state of your sex life, but that it is not appropriate for him to be abusive about it. Tell him how it makes you feel. He probably doesn't realize that you are feeling as hurt as he is (and I'm assuming that you are).
Another thought I had is to try reading some passages of the books to him. You said he'd rather listen than read. That might be something worth trying.
Tell him that you want to work on your problems but that you both need to work together. Your M problems are not all your fault. Your H needs to acknowledge his part in it, and you probably have some insight into what that is. Even if he doesn't know what his part is, he needs to understand and acknowledge that he is part of the problem.
On the romance, Dom is right that just saying you want romance is not helpful. Your H likely doesn't know what that means. So what does more romance mean to you? Did you two ever do any of the things that constitute "romance" to you?
Okay, let me try and do a better job of answering your questions. I am generally not a doormat type - so no clue why my H actually picked me. Maybe that's why? Because he wanted someone to call him on his behavior. I told him flat out a few months ago that either it would stop or we were done. He has been much better since then, and he's signed up for an anger management class.
In the beginning, I think I was more lenient and should have set firmer boundaries. Once my DD got older, I knew I didn't want her to grow up with yelling and name-calling. Those are the worse ones for me. Fleeing is also bad. Silent treatment is bad if it goes on too long. I am hoping the class will give him some methods of dealing with anger and frustration since that is where all of those behaviors come from.
He has told me our bad sex life makes him feel unloved, rejected, unattractive. He has no problem voicing those feelings. But it seems to be the only thing he can talk about. If I ask why he married me, he can't tell me. If I ask what he likes about me, he can't tell me. If I ask how he feels about his parents, he says they were good parents. It's like pulling teeth!
I think that my H does want to try and meet some of my needs, but he falls into old patterns - just as I'm sure I do. When there are only so many hours in the day and are schedules often make us feel like passing ships, it's no wonder the connection wanes.
What do you do to rebuild initimacy? I like conversation - but it's tough to get him to chat (he says he'll try). I like massages and showers, but he thinks they should always turn into sex. So now, if they don't, I feel like I'm disappointing him. I like it when he seems genuinely interested in me and my thoughts, but this seems rare.
I've tried to accept this is just the way things will be, but that doesn't get me any closer to finding my libido again.
My father had a temper and would yell, but it was rare. I think they are similar in ways. My H's bad behaviors make a small percentage of who he is, but the cumulative impact is big.
I think as our DD gets older, and maybe you can confirm this, it will get a little easier. Now at the end of the day, we are both exhausted and just want to zone in our own ways. WE don't seem capable of zoning together. There is the problem.
I don't know, maybe I should try the testosterone again. I just lost the 10 lbs it made me gain and still have 10 lbs of baby weight I'd like to lose. I've been on and off of synthroid medicine and even tried an antidepressent. NOne of it helps my libido. Maybe this is just the way it will be? And if so, then how do I keep my M together? It seems so unfair that it's so easier for some - the libido part. I don't think it would solve every problem we have, but it would definitely help our connection. Some days I do feel like giving up, but then I look at our DD and want to keep things going for her. And then I realize I want to keep things going for us. It's so hard.
