need advice - think he's going to ask for D today

[seekpeaceofmind]

Now I've gone from anxiety to dread. H called this a.m. and said he thought we could meet just the two of us face-to-face without MC. He said that he isn't going to work today. (MC appt wasn't until late afternoon.) It's very unusual for H to miss work - altho he has lately due to illness. He also mentioned that he hasn't been sleeping well. We haven't seen each other for 3 weeks and he is big on conflict avoidance, so I'm prepared for the worst. I think he wants to tell me that he has decided to go for D. We are going to meet at 1:00 at our home. I'm really unsure how to handle myself. I know that I want to tell him that I still think our M is worth saving, but I've read some stuff on here that suggests I should tell him I accept his decision.

[Rollercoasterider]

seekpeaceofmind,

I can only tell you waht I did and would do. It is not something that is appropriate for all MLCers.

I refused to accept Sweetheart's decision to file. What I accepted was that he felt it was best and validate it was what he wanted. I accepted that it was part of the process.

Validating (and accepting) are not synonymous with agreeing. I validating and at the same time told Sweetheart I did not agree. I told him that I realized he had to act as hefelt was best, but I also had to act as I felt was best--no hard feelings, but we both need to act in ways we feel our best. I would expect nothing less of you and hope you would expect nothing less of me.

I used the I don't believe in divorce--it's immoral--angle. That was a great escape clause--because for my side grounds were irrelevant. It didn't matter that he felt we had irreconcilable differences, that he didd't feel attracted to me etc; divorce is wrong...period.

I told him I would contest any and all action and that if it went that far, I would refuse to sign in the end--whether legally required or not, I was taking a moral and religious STand/position. He would have to be granted his divorce without my signature.

I did not do this begging or clinging--since neither of our feelings for each other were relevant given the morality angle. But I also told him love was another reason I refused.

Yes, he got angry. That sort of things is to be expected. It is what scares LBSs. But anger is going to happen. FAce it with strength and consistency. I didn't waiver.

He told me I was being vindicitve because I was contesting--there was no other reason. I told him "I'm sorry you feel that way."

He tried to bait me with arguments about how much it would cost or telling me how much I wouldn't get or asking how we would split things...

Regarding money, I told him that is how these things work. And then I always referred him to lawyers for legal--splitting assets etc--discussions. This made him mad too. But he learend relatviely quickly that I wasn't going to change in the face of his anger.

I was lucky. He stopped the divorce process only 2.5 months after the official filing date.

You have to decide where your Stand is. Will the moral angle work with your MLCer and is it something you believe in. If EITHER of those answers is NO, then find another angle. You can simply use the first part--I disagree that this is waht is best.

But whatever you do, be consistent because he will pull out every tactic to convince you otherwise and get you to change your mind--inlcuding the MLC common tactic of "we can always get married again after we divorce."

Finally, if you do not WANT a divorce, then don't tell him you will agree to one. You may accept it will happen, but that is not the same.

HUGS,
RCR

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thanks. The moral angle won't work and the fact is my reason is just that I see the strengths in our R and to me the problems are not greater than the strengths. I don't think we are irreconcilable. But, I believe he would find it easier than working on things. I recognize I would have to frame it in terms of what he thinks is best.

[seekpeaceofmind]

"Validating (and accepting) are not synonymous with agreeing."

I don't think validating is something that I do naturally - I tend to take a position and argue that stand. Not sure I can teach myself how to validate on the drive home, but I am going to do my best to remember that he is a good person with a kind heart and that the view from where he sits is different than mine.

[Drew]

Rollercoasterider,

If you could check in on my thread, I would greatly appreciate it.

[Evie]

SPOM - How did it go with H and the MC?

Thinking of you.

X Dis

[Upside]

Hi seek-
Let us know how you are doing and how the talk went.

<3
Upside

[short1]

RCR

Great post as always. Wish I had this advice months ago, but better late than never. I have learned so much from all of you here. Especially... how to stick up for what I believe.

SPOM.. Hope it went well. ??

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thanks for checking in - I've been journaling on my regular thread: "just want to make it better".
It went about as I expected. He said we should D for my sake. I said I didn't agree and he left to do more thinking. I feel pretty discouraged. . .

[butterflymom]

Don't let it get you down.

Has he filed yet?

My H and I had similar conversations many many times.

He never filed. Said he never really wanted to, but thought he needed to.

He's been home 2 months now.

Keep your chin up.

BFM