That is pretty much what I did do. I told her that these things take time and I was in no way angered or let down by the fact that nothing was happening that way and assumed that it would be some time before it did. I told her it was ok. She told me the next day that she felt better talking to me about it. That she still felt bad about it, but it lifted some weight talking about it. I just told her she could tell me anything and if something was bothering me, I would make sure to tell her so we could talk about it. The reason I have at least a bit of hope is a few things she said during the conversation refered to the way I used to be and react. When we were at a "slow" intimate period before, I would become withdrawn and angry. No, not mean or abusive, just quiet. She said after we talked that I was just telling her it was ok and the next day I would be like I used to be. I know the trust will take time to rebuild but as I am sure you know it is an incredible fear that that "feeling" might never come back and I am only prolonging the inevidable. I guess we will see.
I know that many of the posters on this thread have walk away wives--- but I am at a harsh point right now with my recently returned walk away H. How do I let my H know that I will support him while waiting for the feelings to come back? And even more importantly how do I convince HIM not to panic that the feelings aren't coming rushing back to him?? That they will return in time. I am terrified not so much that the feelings won't return, but that he will panic and flee because they aren't coming back fast enough for him?? Please advise!!
You can not reassure your H that the "feelings will return. They are his feelings.
What you can do is allow him the space and the time to develop them. Let him know that you accept him while he is in this transistional period. Let him know that you will stand by him whether or not he EVER gets those feelings back. Once your pressures are removed he will be free to come back, to express his love and feel it. Now he feels everything is ackward and forced. Given some time and NO pressure it will start to come naturally.
SS, take that leap and accept the worst that yes the feelings may never return, Once you face that square in the face and deal with the consequence you will be free to make the choice. To choose a journey that says that if you are to rebuild your marriage you will cast away your doubts of what it will take to do it and act as if only the result you want is possible.
Chris, Thanx for the advice. I will see what I can do with it. However, I won't tell him that I will accept him/support him even if the feelings do not come back. Because I don't know if I really can. I am all for unconditional love, but I do think I won't be that supportive if he flakes out again! Especially if there are no other problems besides he doesn't "love me the way a husband should love his wife". And while an OW is just waiting for him.... I just don't think I am capable of accepting that. So I don't want to lie to him. But I will let him know that I know things are hard and confusing for him right now, that he has all the time and space he needs to find those feelings again. I can do that....
I hear you. I have accepted that and had actually accepted that our marriage was over so I suppose the only way to go is forward. I do have faith that it will happen. She is still very affectionate with me besides the obvious. I think it is still there somewhere but it will take time to "excavate". It has been covered up by years of struggle and neglect. Not physical or emotional neglect but rather the kind where you don't put forth the effort, you just feel your marriage is a given and don't appreciate what you have. We will see but we are still so conected in all aspects and were even through the seperation. I guess now I just have to have patience and let things take their coarse.
We are doing well. I believe we have outgrown the usefulness of the counselling and are living a loving and caring life.
We do have conflict but know it is identified as to the cause and solutions are found. It is so much easier when there are two people finding solutions.
We talk now of our long term future together and how to avoid the "craziness" of the past summer and fall.
I treasure each moment with my W and make sure she knows how special and important she is to me.
