I had just finished posting on a different section about being totally confused and crushed about the mixed signals I was getting from my wife. Just today, I went to give her a "good morning" kiss, and she turned away. She had never done that before.
Then about the same time I hit "Post" I got an IM from that AOL thingy we both keep running in the background. I've changed the screennames to "Wife" and "Me", but here is the transcript. I could spend the rest of the day kissing anybody that walks by.
Wife: boo Me: Hey there babe. What's up? Wife: not much.... after the kids go to bed tonight... lets talk, ok? Me: I'm scared. Should I be? Wife: no Wife: been thinking alot these last few days... about our discussion late the other night Me: ........good....... Wife: How do I try to change what I am doing and what I am feeling? Wife: i have no idea Me: You're looking to make these changes is the best thing. Wife: i am getting so depressed lately. Me: I know I will never go back to the way I was. You know you can count on me for anything and everything, and you have me and the kids who love you more than the world itself. Wife: i know, that is the hardest thing, I feel so in a state of uncertainty and flux, and feel so damn selfish because of my feelings Me: I know you have been a bit depressed, but let us help you. Your feelings are not selfish. I've been doing a lot of reading lately... Wife: about what? Me: About everything..... relationships, etc. What I can do to change ME, what I can do to help YOU, lots of stuff. Wife: maybe I am getting the "27 phenomenon" LOL, gary would be proud Me: hehe - actually you seem to fall into a Mid Life Crisis category... sort of along the same lines (That's not to say it's your fault) Wife: probably, just someone tell me its ok... cause i just dont know Me: Most mid-life crisises start due to something their partners did / didn't do. And we both know what I did... Me: Everything WILL be ok. That I promise. Wife: i dont think its a mid life crisis per se, but so much about me has changed, weight, confidence, house, kids, etc.... that I have just been in just doubt as to the decisions i made before I was the person who I am now Me: That's exactly it. Wife: maybe it has been too much change and me wanting things to be different (between us) in the last year Me: But remember it's those choices which made you what you are now. Me: (you type too fast sometimes. ;P) Wife: hmm, rarely am I accused of that.. Wife: its hard, and temptations are everywhere to change.. Me: hehe - All I know is that I am so proud of what you have become, what you are, and where you are going. I have never been more in love with you than I am today. Unfortunately I am just now learning how to let that show. Wife: thanks.. Wife: I feel like a wishy washy blob lately, that cant seem to make any correct decisions that will make everyone happy Wife: myself included Me: We'll get through this, we just need to work on reading each other and then helping each other over these hurdles. Wife: well, I have come to an internal decision that you are absolutely honest and willing to leave the things that you were doing in the past. I think I need to put more effort into accepting you and letting my heart heal and feel what I need to be a wife again Wife: Those feelings still need to come back, but I need to put more effort into it. I can clearly see that. I guess I had an "epiffany" today. I just feel like I have not been fair as well. Me: (I'm crying now... You don't know how long I have been waiting for you to say that...) Wife: I am crying too, feel stupid sitting in my cubicle trying not to let people see me Me: I read something about couples who have been married for 5 years or more, falling into something called a "deep love." Wife: what is that? Me: It's sort of like a "comfort zone". The sparks are not always there all the time, but it's more of a security knowing the other person will always be there for you. Me: I'll see if I can find out where that came from. It was an interesting article. Wife: called pair bonding i think, I never expect the feeling that one has when dating to remain. but the admiration and communication and, above all, respect for the other must be there. Wife: so many things are happening for us right now, for the good. I do not want to throw that all away Me: I think that is what let me fall into the trap I did. I just assumed you knew I cared. And you are right, I know now that the communication was my terrible weakness. I have always admired and respected you, but either I didn't tell you, or I went about it in the wrong way. Wife: and I let my respect for you fall, without effectively communicating that it was happening. On top of that, getting atttention from other men, due to me losing weight, made me more unsure of your feelings, and hense I lost mine. Me: Oh man, I want to give you a hug right now. Did you take lunch yet? (erm..... what men?) Wife: oopps did i say that? :-) Wife: yes, just got lunch.. got a salad at Kroger Wife: i told you about the one gentleman Wife: others were just friends or annoyances, but there was a temptation with the one guy Me: Yes, I knew about him. But it was all online, how did he know what you looked like other than that one picture? Wife: i had told him about losing weight, and had given him our website address Me: Oh. OK. (Man, I don't want to go back to work... I have the biggest shit eating grin on my face right now.) Wife: he very much wanted to meet me, was pretty depressed at the time, too, because you had the "I dont care if you talk to other men" attitude Me: I didn't care if you talked to other men. But that was because I thought you were perfectly happy. That all stopped the second I knew you weren't. I'm very jealous of you, but I was convinced I had nothing to fear. Wife: Jealous of me? why? Me: Because you are goddamn gorgeous, that's why. Wife: aw shucks.... Wife: thanks for talking.... you were worried in the beginning, werent you? Me: I was scared to death. Wife: sorry Wife: bad choice of opening words Me: Sharon, what you followed it up with afterwards made up for it more than you could ever know. Wife: i have just felt so lonely lately, and I cannot help but wonder if it is because I am not looking at who is right in front of me. Wife: i am not saying we are out of the woods, i think i (we) still need to come a long way. but its a start. Wife: and i have missed you, the simplicity of just being together Me: I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you. You are the love of my life. And I know we can do anything as long as we do it together. Me: I've missed you too terribly. That was absolutely the hardest part for me. Wife: Bye, got to go, lunch is over... call me in a while Me: I will. Bye for now.
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I don't know what it is about being online, but it's so much easier to type words that to say them sometimes. I don't know if that's a good thing in the long term, but for right now I couldn't care less.
Frustrated, that sounds like a WONDERFUL beginning at opening up communication between you and your W. You have a lot to be hopeful about. So many of us wish our confused spouses would show just a fraction of the sense and reality that your W did in that IM exchange. Be happy, be grateful, be hopeful... and take things slow. You are on the right track. Paris
I agree with Paris, take it slow, don't rush. I am so happy for you though! It is so important to have total openness of communication, you are on a good start! And it is easier to type out your feelings than saying them, but you have to watch that too! One of my biggest problems was when my H was still home, I would get mad, but instead of telling him, I would write a letter...big mistake, he would just speed read right through it not comprehending anything that was written. Online is a little different though. Anyway, you are on the right track, I really hope it works out for you, I'm rooting for you! Just don't rush. Also, when you get a chance, could you maybe find the article you found on deep love? I would like to send it via email to my H. Thank you. And as always, it does do so much good to post to allow yourself to vent, and to read others' posts, gives you a little ray of hope!
That is quite an IM you recieved. My H and I can communicate quite well via the e-mail but not in person about our issues. I find it so frustrating! Perhaps I should take another look at it and not be so nit picky. Just don't like finalizing our divorce agreement via e-mail. Feel like we are both hiding behind a wall! What's your take?
Good luck to you! Sounds like you are on a roll - hope it lasts!
Frustrated it sounds like you made a huge break through. Let us know how things went you got home. Keep up the good work.
Just wanted to add that I don't think it matters which communication method you use weather its. e-mails, IM's, letter, or talking in person. Whatever works for you two is great. The tough part is finding a new way to communicate that does work.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 03-15-2000).]
Sorry for the delay in responding. I haven't quite figured out the proper etiquette of how and where to post yet. Unfortunately most of my posts get scattered as I end up making a post about myself on another topic about something else.
Anyway, here's the story about what happened when I got home. It's copied from a post I made on a different topic.
Here's the post: ******************************************
Hey guys,
Went to dinner last night with the wife, and we continued to talk. Found out a few things. Maybe some of this can give you a touch of insight into the mind of a WAW.
1. She was very apologetic to me for what she felt she "put me through" these past two months. It took me quite a while to convince her to stop apologizing, as the main reason we are going through what we are now was my indifference over the past few years.
2. She told me that she wanted to resume being intimate. She said the lack of intimacy was her way of "punishing" me for what had happened.
3. She said she was feeling terribly lonely (possibly due to my backing off and giving her space) and that maybe what she needed was staring her right in the face and she was trying so hard not to see it.
4. She said she was taking Prozac for her stress. (Besides our marriage, she does have a high stress job and our kids are at a tough age.) This I did not know, and it concerned me greatly. I didn't want her feeling like it was the drug that made her reach this decision and not her or me. I pointed this out immediately, and she insisted that all the Prozac did was help calm her down enough where she could actually think clearly. In fact she said while she doesn't like the percieved "stigma" of taking Prozac, she is feeling much better about a lot of things. She said when she called the doctor to ask about them, he didn't even ask her to come in, he gave her the perscription right over the phone saying everyone goes through tough times every now and then.
5. She said what got the ball rolling with her decision yesterday started on her way out the door going to work. She was taking my daughter to pre-school and had given me a quick hug and a peck on the cheek and then on the way out the door said "I'll see you later." When my 2 year old daughter heard that, she let go of my wifes hand and came running up to me yelling "Bye Daddy!" and asking for a hug. I picked her up and gave her a big bear hug. She laid her head on my shoulder for a second then picked it up gave me another hug and kiss and said "I love you Daddy."
I didn't know my wife was watching us that closely, but I guess it started something up in her that got her thinking that there was one of those for her too, if she would only let me back in.
6. She said she wanted me to know straight upfront that we aren't out of the woods by any means, and that she still isn't feeling things she thinks she is supposed to feel. But she wanted me to know that it would never come back unless we worked on it together.
So, that's where I'm at. I was in the best of moods yesterday, and last night was truly wonderful. To be held again by the woman I love, combined with the feeling that she wanted to be holding me for HER instead of for me was enough to keep me going for quite some time.
I thought I would wake up this morning with the same kind of care-free attitude that carried me through last night. Instead I surprised myself with this desire, this push, to keep up with what I was doing.
These changes I have been working so hard on and have promised her would be permanent have been getting easier all the time, but they are not yet automatic. That means there is still room for improvement and I can't quit working on them.
- Frustrated
I guess I have blabbered enough. I have only been posting here a short time, but I have been a lurker for quite a while longer. This is a huge hill that we all need to climb and I want to thank everyone who lent me an ear and some words of advice and encouragement when I felt like I couldn't make it on my own.
Now that I feel less like a lost puppy and more like a man driven by clear set goals, I hope that some of my experiences can help some of you put a finger on some small detail that may get you a step closer to repairing your own marriage as well.
Cheers.
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To answer the one question about the "deep love" article, I never actually did get to see the full article. After your posts about it, I re-read my instant message and it does read differently than it should. That's because I mis-used the word "article" at the end of the IM when "summary" would have been more appropriate. Sorry about that. What I meant was that I had read something about this "deep love" (from someone on this board!!!) and that person did a good job summarizing the term. When I said I would see if I could find out where that came from, I meant I was going to go back and ask the poster to let me know where it was so I could find it for myself.
Oh well... So now when I go back to find out who posted about it, I'll let you all know where it came from too. I think we're all a bit curious and would like to read it.
For even more of an update: we were intimate Monday night, then had a wonderful day Tuesday. That night I resisted initiating sex again although the "guy" in me wanted nothing more than to do so. Instead I let her curl up next to me and we fell asleep that way. It was more than worth it, because yesterday morning she got up out of bed to go to the bathroom, and came back naked. Even early in our relationship she would want me to initiate things before she attacked me, so I can't help but savor this one. It was the best sex we've had in a long time.
God it feels so good to be wanted again. So much of me wants to stop here and say everything is all better, but I know we still have a long ways to go. She still has not said "I love you" to me yet, and until those words are uttered I will not let up in my efforts because I know there is still work to be done.
So I continue on down the path...
Yesterday after work I had to stop at the store for some diapers, soda, and soap. There was a very nice looking bouquet of flowers in the floral department of the supermarket. I bought them and put them in a vase on our kitchen table. The strangest thing is that I never even noticed that our supermarket even HAD a floral department before yesterday, and I am there at least once a week! When my wife got home, she asked why I bought her the flowers. To which I replied "Who said they were for you?"
Anyway, she loved them and it took no effort on my part. I literally did it for me as much as I did it for her. Additionally, it was the first time I ever bought flowers that weren't just roses, and weren't just for a special occasion. It's strange just how much more alive I feel these days.
I apologize if I seem "too happy for this board", but after so much hurt for so long, it feels good talk about something positive in my life.
Sounds like you and your wife are making wonderful progress in all directions! It also sounds like your wife is beginning to realize what a lucky woman she is.
Most of us posting on here would just melt if our Hs made a spontaneous gesture like your flowers. Recently my H traveled out of town, and I remember wishing he'd bring me something back even if it was just a pencil from the airport giftshop! I really liked your flowers, and I am sure your wife did too. Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!
