Hello everyone! New to the site. I'm reading SSM and just got to the part where it says that there's a forum out there for many people like me. I put the book down and ran upstairs to log on! I have always felt alone in my situation (no matter how many times I've read that I'm not alone), but actually talking to others w/ these issues, that will help me realize that it's not true!! Here's my story:
Met H, and just wanted a one night fling. Well, that one night fling turned in to "friends w/ benefits" and now he's my hubby. Funny how that works! Before marriage we had great sex, every night, for the first few months. Then, I started to try and give him some tips to help me orgasm. This was something I did in all my relationships w/ men. Well, he started feeling inadequate, and then became withdrawn and couldn't keep an erection. I continued to want sex, and he continued to withdrawal from it. I lost a ton of weight (too much weight), tanning, working out, trying to become more attractive. Men started becoming interested in me, and I cheated on him a few times (before marriage) - although he doesn't know this. Then I started getting depressed about everything, gained a ton of weight, and felt ugly, disgusting, and worthless. My self-esteem went down the tubes. We went to a counselor (who had no clue what to do w/ us). We decided to "shop" for another counselor, and she helped out a lot. She showed me that it wasn't my fault, that he loved me, and wanted to be with me. He didn't have a lot of self-confidence due to his upbringing (no molestation or anything, just bad parenting). So he was supposed to work on "forgiving" his mom, but he never did. He told me that he didn't see how that would work, so he just gave up. We went to that counselor over a few years, and the last time that we went to see her was when she just said "maybe you need to redefine what "normal" is for you guys." That pissed me off beyond belief, I wanted to scream, at her and H b/c I just felt hopeless. We started to try and have kids, the anxiety grew (he felt that if he couldn't get me pregs, then I'd leave him. And he was less of a man for it). This just exasperated our issue. After a few months, I told him that we need to work on this, b/c I'm not bringing a baby in to this mix. So we stopped trying, but I was already pregnant at that time. Gained too much weight during pregnancy, H was no longer attractive to me (not that I felt that he was all that attracted to me to begin with). Our son is 5 months old now, and nothing has changed. I feel even more unattractive w/ my post-baby body, and now don't really want sex anymore either.
I am the type of person that fixes things. If there's a problem, I want to do everything I can to fix it. H, on the other hand, is the type of person to give up. We talk about our sex life (not often, but we do) and he knows that there's problems. Doesn't know what to do. Knows that I'm going to leave him or cheat on him, or both. Even though I tell him that our relationship is PERFECT in every other way, and I will work as hard as I can to fix this, he still believes that it's hopeless. I know that I can work, work, work, but ultimately he has to put some effort into it as well, but he has just given up. Which is extremely frustrating for me. I've asked him to read SSM and he says "okay" but has yet to crack open the book. Keeps reading his fiction novels instead.
When all of these issues first arose, I thought it was me. The counselor showed us that he has anxiety and performance issues. I've tried everything, pushing him to want it (doesn't work), getting super mad over it (doesn't work), crying in his arms over it (doesn't work) and ignoring that the problem exists and just hoping that he'll try (doesn't work). I've run out of options and am pulling my hair out. We're supposed to be trying to have another baby in May, but you need to have sex to have another baby. Not something that I'm looking forward to. More issues, more heartache, more tears. And a part of me doesn't want to bring another child into the relationship b/c it's destined for failure, and I don't want to hurt another being. He knows this, all of this. His response, I agree.
On the RARE occasions that we do have sex (about once every 6 months or so), all I do is think: "is he enjoying it? is he comfortable? my body is disgusting. is he still hard? is he thinking too much about staying hard? is he trying too hard?" and on and on and on. Basically, I can't enjoy it anymore either.
One more thing, he masturbates a few times a week. Sometimes w/ pictures in his head, sometimes w/ pictures online. I've asked him to stop b/c I feel as though he's cheating on me. He can get off w/ porn, but not his own wife. He says that he needs a release and sex w/ us is too complicated. So he resorts to other means. He's had is testosterone levels checked, and he's good. He's tried anxiety meds (welbutrin, the only one that doesn't cause ED, really screwed w/ him and he had to get off of it), so he's taking Lexapro, which helps for his anxiety in every other aspect of his life, but this aspect. I, on the other hand, no longer masturbate b/c once I start to touch myself, I start crying. Just longing for his touch. I can't enjoy masturbating when all I can think of is how much I want HIM to do it, not me. Our counselor said that I'm showing signs of depression. Even after that, he still has no desire to work on things.
The definition of insanity is to keep doing what you're doing and expecting different results. He knows that, I say it often. But his desire to work hard is gone, actually, it's never been there. He's always been a quitter when it gets tough (that sounds MUCH harsher than I want it to). I love things getting tough. Causes a challenge, which I live for. (maybe that's why I married him in the beginning, who knows).
Other than sex, our relationship is PERFECT!! He makes me laugh every day. We respect eachother immensely. He thinks I walk on water, and I feel the same way about him. I can't wait to get home to be w/ him every night. I love spending time w/ him. We just "get" each other. He's an amazing husband and father, and I couldn't imagine my life w/ anyone else. Other than on this issue, we rarely fight over anything - not even money! That's why I want this to work so badly. He's my soulmate! We've been together for 6 years, married for 3, and I've been dealing w/ this for 5.5. H is 30, I'm 27. I need HELP!
So, there ya have it. This is much longer than I realized! Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. Thanks so much for this site. And thanks in advance for any advice!!!
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
This is very complex as you know and he obviously has major issues with accepting criticism which aren't going to be resolved overnight. I am going to make a simple suggestion which may or may not work: why not try for a while to completely take the pressure off him to "perform" while not taking the pressure off him for sex. Why not suggest to him that you give him a bj or hj and then maybe get yourself off while he holds you/ tells you how beautiful you are etc. Maybe if he no longer feels like he has to live up to your standards he can start to relax a little. And at least you would be being sexual together if not having actual sex with each other. I've no real idea whether it would work - it's just a thought that maybe it would take away his anxiety about being able to perform and YOUR anxiety too.
I really feel for you, especially the part about winding up pregnant when you'd decided it would be a bad idea.
You're definitely not alone and that counsellor that said maybe you should redefine normal was crazy. Just about as crazy as the one that told us my H was not an alcholic
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Ok honey. First and foremost - let go of the idea of "soulmates" - that will get you nowhere. Accept that you love your H, care about your H and are overall, good partners and parents BUT HE IS AN INDIVIDUAL. This sex stuff is sometimes someone's way of declaring their individuality, of being separate and the masturbating is more of the same. He is wary of being too close, being controlled, losing himself in the relationship. So - how about you pursue some of your own intersts, encourage him to pursue his and see if giving yorselves some emotional distance leaves room for a spark to grow between you. Read "Passionate Marriage" for more on this subject.
At the same time I think Fran's suggestion is a good one. Expand your definition of what is sexual and pursue some of that with your H. Be light about it. Let things flow and be what they are. Sometimes things will "click" sometimes they won't.
Haphazard, we've done this. One of the counselors recommended that we be intimate w/out having intercourse. So, we would give massages w/ no sex (even bj or hj), just getting to know eachother's bodies. Then we gradually moved on to hj, bj, mutual masterbation, and this worked too. We did that for a while, then as soon as it came to sex, it was done. Back to "normal".
Hopefully you found a new counselor!!!!
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
Karen1, so are you saying that he's scared of fully giving himself to me? We both do things w/ our own friends. He'll go to the movies w/ his buddies, about every other Friday night he goes out and has a few drinks after work, stuff like that. And I have "girls night", run w/ a bunch of girls once a week after work, stuff like that. He enjoys playing video games, while I sit upstairs and read. So we both enjoy spending time together, but can have fun w/out each other too. Is that kind of what you're saying? Or are you saying something else?
Talking about emotional distance, I find myself doing that. I go through phases where I emotionally distance myself from him. Just pecks and not real kisses. Not much hand holding, I get upset w/ him over piddly crap. I start to build a wall. I do that so that I won't get hurt, b/c he hurts me every day. But then, I get over it. I'm sure it's normal to go through these phases, but I hate doing it. Mostly b/c I get mad at him for some stupid reason, and then I'm the "psycho wife" that's pissed at him all the time! So, I tell him when I'm going through one of those phases, and he knows to kind of "stand back" and give me some room. It's really helped me overcome them.
Yea, now that I'm reading that, it's probably not real healthy for me to do that. . .
I'll definitely have to pick up that book.
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
I was reading your initial post where you said things such as,
Quote:
Gained too much weight during pregnancy, H was no longer attractive to me (not that I felt that he was all that attracted to me to begin with). [. . . ] I feel even more unattractive w/ my post-baby body, and now don't really want sex anymore either. [. . . ]my body is disgusting. is he still hard?
It seemed to me that you were describing your body as something quite different than "healthy people" who exercise and eat right.
So, what's the truth? Are you healthy? Are you overweight?
As for the healthy emotional aspect, I'm seeing lots of self-esteem issues (which are also tied into your body image) and some stuff going on with depression related to sex (you cry when you touch yourself).
I'm not a psychologist. It just sounded to me like you needed to work on yourself and stop focusing so much on what's missing in the relationship. Easier said than done, I know.
By "emotional distance" I don't mean hiding in your emotional corner and alternately pouting and taking pot shots. I mean emotional distance just like in that Khahil Gibran poem that everyone reads at weddings "Let there be space in your togetherness" or something like that. Your H's behavior is screaming at you,"I will not be controlled by you and your poor self image", "I will do what I want about sex when I want", "I am my own person". You are forcing him into a corner what with all the "soulmate" and "he's PERFECT BUT.....". Let him be imperfect. You be imperfect. Be sexual with him without pre-ordained expectation and for Gawds sake without babying him sexually. All that sex therapy bull crap of "do this then move slowly to that" is fine IF he is on board, if he is initiating this to work through his issues. If it is you leading and Mommying him through. It won't work. I don't mean to seem harsh but I just kinda get the sense that you have heaped expectations on him that are about more than just being spouses/parents and lovers and he is resisting that.
I was reading your initial post where you said things such as, It seemed to me that you were describing your body as something quite different than "healthy people" who exercise and eat right.
So, what's the truth? Are you healthy? Are you overweight?
As for the healthy emotional aspect, I'm seeing lots of self-esteem issues (which are also tied into your body image) and some stuff going on with depression related to sex (you cry when you touch yourself).
I'm not a psychologist. It just sounded to me like you needed to work on yourself and stop focusing so much on what's missing in the relationship. Easier said than done, I know.
Hairdog
Ah, understood why you said that now. Very, very healthy pre-pregnancy. Exercised 5-6 times/week and ate right. BAD pregnancy problems, dr. said I had to stop working out - this included even walking (threatened bedrest). But I still ate as though I was burning those calories. So I gained too much weight. My son is 5 months old and as soon as the dr. gave me the go-ahead, I was back at it. So I have an extra 30 lbs to lose now, but am exercising and eating healthy - as before. We both used to workout w/ personal trainers, but now can't afford to do that. So, I see where you got that we weren't healthy people!
About the self-esteem issues. Actually NEVER had those issues until I married a guy that wouldn't sleep w/ me. Before him, never had problems getting laid, never had depression, never had self-esteem issues. Very much flaunted my body and was very sexual. I used to think about sex ALL THE TIME and would "get off" a few times per day. When we started having issues, then I was struggling to find a reason for his rejections. This, I'm sure, pushed him away further b/c I would do STUPID things like ask him if he thought I was ugly, cry and beg, all those things that just made his anxiety worse. Before counseling, I had NO CLUE that it was anything but me! Oh if only I could turn back time. . .
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
