An affair to get back at an affair?

[RefuseToLose]

Hey, this is a question I have eventhough I know that having an affair as a response to your partner's affair is the wrong thing to do.

However, I can't say I haven't been VERY tempted to have myself a fling. I haven't up to now and I'm not planning on doing it, but I'm wondering if anyone out there has had the same thoughts or even had an affair after their partner had one.

I would like to know that this is a normal thing I'm processing eventhough I know it isn't the healthy alternative.

[Snow White]

Hi I am right at the beginning of trying to process what has happened to my marriage but I can tell you for the time I have been with my husband I have never really paid attention to other men. In the past few weeks I find myself paying more attention that ever before, I don;t know that I want to have an affair but I am noticing that there are other fish in the sea.

[Ohio_Mark]

Bad idea.

I have had plenty of opportunities myself. I like the idea that I can say to my wife, "I have never cheated on you."

[lester]

I agree with Mark. Once you open that can of worms it can't be put back. If your relationship is beyond repair and you divorce then feel free to date. Dating while married is always more problems than its worth.

[mcojh]

I agree with Lester and Mark.

Personally, I want to be able to tell my boys that I a)stood up for my marriage and did what I could to save it. b)I honored my vows, even after seperation and while the D progressed through court.

I will admit to having a new facination with women's left ring finger. I guess I just need to see what is out there.

[NoCodeBlues]

I will admit to having a new facination with women's left ring finger. I guess I just need to see what is out there.

I can admit I did the same myself. However, I realized the absence of a ring means nothing -- I remembered my W is no longer wearing hers.

[Ohio_Mark]

Personally, I want to be able to tell my boys that I a)stood up for my marriage and did what I could to save it. b)I honored my vows, even after separation and while the D progressed through court.

Yeah, you can't "un-ring" a bell. Once you do the deed, it's done. And, yes, I can look at my kids and tell them I stood strong for our family and I have never cheated on their mother. No "dating" until it's final.

I will admit to having a new fascination with women's left ring finger. I guess I just need to see what is out there.

Yes, I agree. While in the past my... uh... attention was elsewhere when spying an attractive woman, I now seem to be focused on that left hand instead of .... um, other places...

We men are pigs, aren't we....?

[RefuseToLose]

I'm glad I'm getting this type of feedback because eventhough the temptation is there to fill the emptiness as well as get some revenge, it is not the path I want to take because what would I tell my daughter?

I was at a playground today with my daughter and I noticed an attractive mother sitting there while her son was playing. Yes, she was pretty, but HONESTLY I got really, really sad. I just sat there and thought, "Who the Hell picks up on married people?" That is just plain wrong. It made me realize I just wouldn't be able to do that to myself or someone else.

Thanks for validating the temptation as well as the knowledge that it would be a really, really bad move.

[RefuseToLose]

I am coming to understand why this thought even crept into my head.

I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm devastated, and I'm angry and wanting revenge.

All of these are negatives. Revenge and anger solve nothing and create problems. The fear, the loneliness are things that are wrong with me that I need to fix about me -- regardless of where I'm at in my marriage.

I know I won't be dallying myself. Thank you to all who posted to help me sort these feelings out.

Feel free to continue to add if you'd like.

Take care everyone, push on and don't give up.

[runningoutoftime]

The problem is that any relationship started when you are still married, or in the midst of divorce (and still broken and full of baggage), isn't based on anything substantial. It's just ego building and a bandaid. People using each other. For example, what kind of emotionally healthy person want's someone in the midst of a divorce and all the emotional upheaval that occurs during one? It just isn't a good way to create anything real or substantial.... and it isn't right to use people.

Although I completely understand the feelings behind it. I've felt them too, but thinking about the bigger picture has always made it easier for me to stick to my own personal boundries.