Here is my situation. I would love to say that it is not as bad as some of the things that I have read about but I think it is just the beginning.
My husband has always had difficulty with the truth. I have often caught him in lies but they were always very minor. Being analytical about everything I put it to the fact that he was abused as a child and found it easier to tell a story than upset someone. I always had in the back of my mind thought that if you lie about the small things you can lie about the big things. I really don't know if I created a self-fulfilling prophecy or not.
My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years and together for 12 1/2 I met him when I was 19 and left my boyfriend of 3 years to date him. These are the only 2 relationships I have had. We have always got along very well and have many common interests. We rarely fought but if we did it was always over the same thing. In retrospect I can see the err in my ways (not all my fault of course) but at the time it seemed legit. It is amazing how a change in circumstances changes the importance of things. Our only area we ever fought was that if my husband was going out with the boys he could never give an honest time to be home, he would say I'll be back at 10:30 and then come home when the bar closed at 2. This would cause fights, first I would call his cell which he would either answer and say he would be home in 5 minutes or not answer at all. If he didn't answer I would call continually. I was known on occasion to then visit the bar if he wouldn't return my call. Like I said, I can see my problem but in the moment to me it was a big deal that he did not respect me enough to either come home or discuss it with me. Going to the bar or calling also eased my mind that he was not with anyone else. Never ever was he even though I was always concerned, like I said I think I may have created a self fulfilling prophecy.
Anyways, although the above seems harsh it was few and far between that this happened, he may played hockey in the winter and golf in the summer and usually ended up at the bar after these times. In December this year he decided to quit hockey and ended up then not going out at all the entire month. Strangely enough that is when he cheated, while he wasn't going out...
I began to notice him being slightly different, he smokes and he was smoking more than normal, to smoke he goes outside and he was doing this quite often and staying out longer. He also talked a good deal about a woman at his work, she was apparently in an abusive relationship and struggling to get out. Her situation would come up constantly during regular conversation. We are members on facebook and during this time I noticed that she started updating her status to things like ? is happy excited worried and totally in love, or ? is loving it absolutely every moment. I thought this odd since things were so bad for her. I asked my husband about it and he said oh she is probably just leading her guy on until she can get out. I had a bad feeling.
On the Saturday before Christmas my husband feel asleep on the couch at 6:30 shortly after getting home from work. At 9 I decided to go to bed since we were going to a football game the following day. He got up and said he had to go to the store, he was gone about 25 min(store is about 2 min away). I got up to see if he was home just as he was pulling back in the drive so I jumped into bed so it wouldn't seem like I was checking up. Well he was outside another 10 min so I walked out the front door and he was on the phone. He closed it quick and said he was just charging it. And I said who were you talking to and he got very angry that I am always accusing him of things. He went downstairs and I asked him is there someone else, are you going to leave me? He said I was crazy and paranoid and he had no idea why I would think that. 5 min later the girl from his work changed her status to ? is feeling a little stupid, still loving it and hoping this doesn’t change things. Could my suspicions be any better confirmed? My husband ended up sleeping on the couch angry at my accusations and the following morning was miserable as we left for the game. Well we tailgated with all our friends and by the time the game started he had had a few but was a much friendlier guy. He wanted me right next to him the whole day, and was very affectionate(not normal). We had a great time. When we got back to our friends house he was extremely sexual asking me to meet him various places to make out and to take off my undies bra ect and put them in my coat. Loving the attention I obliged and when we came home we had a fabulous remainder of the night with candles in the bath and making love under the Christmas tree, he told me numerous times how much he loved me and how beautiful I was(again very rare). Since we were getting along I mentioned this girl at his work and my suspicions that it was her on the phone and he said, I am not going to lie to you, I am not attracted to her but I am concerned about her, she has it really bad. He did not admit to being on the phone though.
The following morning was Christmas eve, we both had to work. I had to leave first but still feeling a little frisky and glowing from the night before I went in to give him a BJ before I left. Well he did not end up finishing and said that it was from the night before and the alcohol, that it might take a really long time. So I left for work. That night my daughter was in a pagent at church and he called from work during the day to say that he thought he was to tired to go (it was at 4:30) he was going to go home and take a nap until we got home then we could go to do our visiting. Normally I would have given a little guilt trip but I figured why argue and let it be.
Over Christmas and Boxing day I noticed that he was acting odd with his phone, it was always with him, in his pocket hand on it. Normally it can go for days uncharged in his car. In September I joined weight watchers and had lost 33 pounds to that point, that week worrying about this phone call and alternating back and forth between am I a crazy person like he says or was he on it, I lost 6 ½ more and actually reached my goal, just not on purpose.
On the 29th when he went to work I decided to see if the phone bill was online so I could get these thoughts out of my head if I was wrong. I was going to look at the 22 and see if there was a call late at night. Well I didn’t need to look at the 22 because the bill was $113 and there were close to 200 calls to a single cell phone and house phone. While I was staring at it he happened to call me. I told him I am about to lose m mind, I was just picking up the phone to call this number but why don’t you tell me, it is ? isn’t it? He didn’t answer just said let me get back to the store and I will call you. So when I hung up I called the number and of course it was her. He called from the store and I was crazed, wondering if he was just waiting for Christmas to be over to leave and what was going on. He said he would come home from work to talk about it. I said if you are leaving just tell me you don’t need to come home and he kept saying it isn’t like that. So he came home and of course he could no tell the truth or at least the whole truth. HE said that yes they had been talking on the phone but it was about her situation and that she had it really bad and nothing else. I said really you called 16 times in one day to say are you ok? He kept asserting do you think I would do anything to lose you and D4? I said don’t you think what you did is bad enough, sneaking around on Christmas to call another woman, hiding in the driveway calling her over and over again? Every morning when you wake up there is a call and every night when you go to bed. He kept saying it isn’t what you think. I won’t call her anymore, she just needed a friend, every time I end up the [censored]. Then he had to go back to work. I sat and thought while and then figured my only choice to get an answer was to go see this woman. Now again looking back, not a good idea but I am certain people do bad things in bad situations. So I packed up my daughter and drove to his work except on the way there I called to see if he wanted a coffee and what she took because I had a plan to go in all calm and nice and just introduce myself as his wife. Well of course he would have none of it and me going there to embarrass him so he met me in the parking lot and left work for the day. Again we beat it to death when he came home but with him he will give no more than you know so the lies just continued. That night I decided I was going to go stay in a hotel and as I was leaving (him crying, daughter crying) my best friend called to wish me a merry Christmas who I had not talked to in months. Conveniently enough she is one of the only people I would tell not only because she is my best friend but because her husband cheated on her 2 times that she knows of prior to them getting married so I knew she wouldn’t judge any decisions I made. Talking it through with her and telling her about the fact that the girl is obese, she thought that it didn’t sound good but it isn’t like my husband has ever been into big girls, maybe he did just get all wrapped up in her troubles and it was an EA, that I had too much invested and I needed to settle down and talk. So I went downstairs and sat across from my H. Well he invited me over the couch and we ended up having sex again. This time I could feel (at least I thought I could) every ouce of love he had for me and decided that if this happened maybe it would now be over since he has thought about what he can lose.
The following day he had no work but he did have hockey, he went to his game and when he came back he was a little argumentative said I had been so loving the night before and then woke up miserable and he didn’t want to go through another day like the day before. I told him that I didn’t leave but that didn’t mean I forgot about what was going on and we needed to work through it. That day while he was at hockey I matched up the status updates from this girl with the phone bill, and every time they got off the phone she had posted online about her love. She also posted the day we were at the football game about how f’n depressed she was and that she couldn’t wait until the new year and then put the score of the game. While I was online looking at her status I noticed that the day we were at the football game she posted a website link. It ended up being a link to her own page created about 10 years ago about being acquaintance raped while she was drunk and stoned and that no one believed her and that the teachers and students were mean and how she wanted to kill them and blow up her work ect. Now being raped is horrible but I am noticing 10 years later she is the victim again in a new situation with someone she didn’t know at the time. Love making again, weird pattern starting here. I mentioned to my husband that at one point I had considered calling her significant other to tell him and then decided against it because if he was as bad as they said I didn’t need anyone hurt. He said well he would be shocked because she uses a pay as you go phone he doesn’t know about. The following morning that got me thinking about an old pay as you go phone we had. I tried it and it rang 4 times before going to voicemail so I know it was on. I called my husband at the store and he denied it and said I knew everything and to just let it go. So I logged into the pay as you go site and pulled up the usage. He had texted her 3 times that morning, and for the life of the current phone about 15 times that month. When I called back about it he said he just had to let her know he wasn’t picking her up for work ( as he claims he did 2 or 3 times before). It turns out she wasn’t in until 11 and he was in at 8. I mentioned I thought it odd if he only picked her up 3 times before he would need to contact her for this. He said when she came into work that day he would tell her he could not call anymore that he was sorry but his wife and family were more important and that this was upsetting his wife. So he called me back to say he had done this and I asked if he had asked her what the online posts meant and if she was in love with him. He said no but ho would. He again called me back with a lame story that no she was not they were sarcastic remarks to her man and that he was just a really good friend to her. The whole day his concern was whether or not we were still going to the New Year’s party. That night at the New Years Party he was agitated, biting his nails acting odd and not enjoying his friends as much as normal. He wanted me right by his side again but didn’t seem to enjoy my company, I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t telling my story to the girls. At midnight I got a kiss like I was his sister and we came home and went right to sleep at 4:30 am. The following morning he reminded me incessantly that I had said I was going to get McDonalds for Breakfast so I did. Later that day we were to go to my Aunt’s for dinner, he was too tired to come. When I got home he was on the computer and grumpy. Got up said, here snoop around that’s what you do. So on the dare for the first time in months I logged into his facebook account, there was nothing there of course but then I clicked on the browser history and it showed threads that were deleted. So I opened the 2 sent that day, one immediately after I left for McDonalds saying Happy New Year ? this is going to be the year of you and I I miss you and I can’t wait to see you and the second while I was at my Aunts saying Don’t worry that I can’t call you anymore it is not going to change anything for us, miss you see you soon. So I lost it grabbed the phone and called her number, no answer 3 times. Then I told my husband I was calling his parents to tell them what was going on, he grabbed the phone and smashed it in the driveway. I ran out no coat, snowing like crazy and drove to the street the girl lives on. I knocked on 2 doors and no one knew who she was so I came home. Well no one was here because my husband was following me so I grabbed the GPS(which magically had her address in it) and went back. He called on my cell asking me to not go there and to come home and talk to him. So I went far enough to see which house it was and she was standing out there smoking and then I came home. It took every ounce of my strength not to get out, but I probably would have got my butt kicked, she outweighs me by at least 100. So he dropped my daughter off at my inlaws and came home, when I got home and he wasn’t here I called her cell and left a message that I had been to see her but “MY HUSBAND” asked me to come home but since he wasn’t there if she saw him first to let him know I was waiting. I then went back to the computer and found a few more emails, one mentioning fighting online(a game) and that he only did it to flirt and that the makeup sex would be great, on saying love the one your with until something better comes along and one-the worst- on Christmas Eve while missing my daughters pagent about the wonderful day he had with her and that he wanted to cuddle with her on the couch and had never met anyone like her and couldn’t believe that he could have her alone and couldn’t wait to be together forever. So when he got home I started to read it to him aloud and of course he didn’t want to hear it. He admitted that they had sex, now admits to one time(because it is only too obvious) one day when he picked her up for work, she wasn’t ready and it just happened. He said the rest is just words and that he doesn’t know why he wrote it. He said he didn’t admit to the sex because he wanted to move forward with me and didn’t want to ruin things. I said if that is true why did you send her emails today saying this was your year. No good answer, I don’t know I have always been a screw up and I always will be.
So now here we are, we are going for counseling and he says he wants to be here, but he said that before and then sent the emails saying just because I can’t call nothing will change. I don’t know how to trust him. He thinks that the discussion we had that night is all that needs to be said and no longer wants to talk about it
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
We have started counselling and in the first session it came out that he is 35 years old and I try to control him. I read DB and I have found a number of ways to change my behaviour. I did a 180 on calling and found the response almost immediate. However, I am unsure of what all to change since he is still here, that being said from what I mentioned above is he really?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I wrote this email today and I have not sent it, would sending it be the biggest mistake ever?
I know you don't like to talk so I thought I would communicate with you this way, that way you won't have me staring at you for an answer. If you want to answer this email, that would be wonderful. If you don't I guess I can at least say I tried, I won't ask you about it I will just wait for a reply if there is one.
I have a couple of things to talk about. First how are you? Are you doing OK?
Second, as you know I have been trying to make changes in my behaviour that may have a negative effect on our marriage. Are these changes helping, and do you have other concerns that have not been brought up yet?
Third, do you want to back to see Joan again? Do you think it is helping?
*****
Joan is our counsellor
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Second, as you know I have been trying to make changes in my behaviour that may have a negative effect on our marriage. Are these changes helping, and do you have other concerns that have not been brought up yet?
I would leave this part out. Don't tell him you are making changes. Soon enough, he should be able to see them. I think its good you are asking how he is doing? That shows you still care.
Thanks for the feedback, I hadn't gotten any responses before he was home from hockey and I was afraid to do so because I thought it might be a screw up. He does not want to discuss anything, ever. He knows I care, sometimes I think he knows I care too much. It is so weird, because I think he wants to pretend it never happened(or isn't happening) and as long as I do that we are getting along as well as ever if not better on some occasions. I am just afraid.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
If you haven't sent it, maybe give it some more time. I understand being afraid. Look deep within yourself, ask yourself what is scaring you the most? For me, it used to be H leaving the house (moving out). Now, I am not afraid of that, I am afraid for our girls being in pain. The thing is though, I had to think hard about what exactly scared me.
Keep up the positive attitude around him, but don't let him cake eat if he is still actively having the A.
I guess what I am afraid of it that he is still having the A. There is really nothing to indicate he is, but they work together everyday. I am afraid of being naive. And I think I am afraid of him staying because of $(I make double his salary) or, because he doesn't want to look bad to our friends and family or for our daughter(which is important to me too) and not because he loves me at all. We are going to Disney a week Saturday, I am afraid that he is waiting till after that to be real. I guess I am afraid of absolutely everything.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Its true, like my H, right now they have the comfort and cushion of not being exposed to anyone. I haven't decided if this is a good or bad thing yet. My thought was if we worked things out, I didn't want to be looked at under a microscope with our family and friends while we were working things out.
Disney!? Yay. We are supposed to go the last week of February. Enjoy it.
He would lie if there was still something going on and I asked about it. He says there is nothing, but he said there was nothing right from the start before I started digging.
I also didn't want to be under the microscope and figured the more people involved the less chance we had of working things out. And if we do get through this I don't need people gossiping about what he did or how I took him back ect. None of their business, just makes it hard to go around acting normal too.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
If you do decide to expose their affair, it needn't be (and shouldn't be) to anyone whose business it isn't ANYWAY. The idea of confrontation and exposure is to expose the affair to the OM/OW's spouse (who deserves to know), and to just a few key influencers in the wayward spouse's life -- parents, siblings, adult children, maybe a best friend. To do more than that does get into vindictiveness, and "airing of dirty laundry," and can cause problems once the marriage is healing.
There are two distinct schools of thought on exposure (I happen to be a big proponent), but I didn't want to leave the misconception out there that this is something that's done to the hoardes.
Regardless of what you decide, as someone else said above, do NOT let him continue to cake-eat. He will lose all respect for you, and you for yourself.
