Could this be a pattern? Long suffering LD spouse eventually leaves the marriage for a sexual affair. Sniffs like an esteem issue.
In my wife's case, I think she needed to validate her own sexuality -- to know that she was still beautiful and sexy, and not a frigid woman. After 15 years of rejection and a less and less frequent SL, I finally stopped initiating altogether, and then finally stopped even giving her compliments about her appearance. It was a recipe for disaster, as some folks over on the SSM board tried to warn me, but I just hurt too much to keep giving her what SHE needed, when she wasn't giving me what I needed.
So, she used another man to find out if "I still got it."
But the thing is...having a LD spouse usually has little to do with you...one of the things that I think "drove" my H to the internet was he was confused because he wasn't feeling that sexual power in himself...he had it at one time...but now he was forcing it...and it didn't feel right to him...I think this tied in with his depression a lot too...
I know how you can take it personal...but my H has shared with me how he "wants" to feel...I can only imagine how it must feel for a man to want to be sexual...to feel sexually aroused...and yet can't...for whatever reason...and then to know he is letting his spouse down has to amplify his own feelings of being betrayed by his own body...
I also believe the affairs with this type of man are really to try and "prove" that it isn't THEM...it must be someone or something else...and thus they begin to think about OW...and initially perhaps, the excitement makes things seem for the present to be better...but then the reality eventually sets in...they begin to experience the same loss of feelings...along with the added burden of guilt...and along with this the depression is likely to increase...
I can't imagine how this must be for a man...especially given societies view on how a man is supposed to be all the time at the "ready" for sex...and those pills don't always work...for my H they make him sick to his stomach and in turn that quelches whatever desire he was able to get...
I don't feel I am "settling" for less then I deserve in my marriage though...I do work with my H...I want to please him in ways that I can...and in turn he does the same for me...although I know many times he isn't "feeling it"...it is a constant struggle for him...and I don't take it personal...I don't add more burden to him...I accept how things are...the least pressure I bring to the situation the better for both of us...
I read an article that talked about the seesaw effect in sex relations. If one spouse is *always* on, it intimidates the other, or turns them off. They feel they can never satisfy the desire on the other end, and their confidence and self-esteem declines, and then, poof. Implosion.
Although I tend to agree with you Lin, that the problem starts within the LD spouse. . . the potential for the breakdown in desire is there, even before the seesaw effect occurs.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I can see how that theory applied to my M. Never thought of it that way but if I feel I can't be "all that" to my H, why not eventually just give up? Hmmm...
I could see why you stopped. You weren't getting anything in return. You amaze me you have been so supportive! I wish I had half the patience you have.
I honestly keep feeling a change in the wind. I am hoping it will pass. But so far it's the same. I find I have no desire for my husband at all. It's not like it really matters I don't think. Or it's not like he noticed because like I said his drive is low. So it's not like he tries. Or hasn't in a month. But he will see I am sure if he tries that for the first time he will be turned down. Right now I seem to be dwelling in the hurt that he left witin my heart.
I am trying to GAL again. I stoppped that completely. Maybe that will give him something to think about. Maybe he will realize he needs to step up to the plate before he loses me. But last week I went out with a close friend. It was great. My husband looked shocked when I got up and announced I was going out. He also seemed to be angry the next day although he never said he was. I was judging by his actions like not speaking to me. We are planning to do the same this weekend. : ) It was great to just hang out with a girlfriend.
Also I just signed up for the gym. And today I am getting highlights. So am trying to get myself out of this funk. Trying not to let others make me feel good. But try to do things that validate my own self.
