If you feel shame then it is your internal compass telling you, you are off course. You may need to change course! Either that or get your compass adjusted !
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Found it to be the worst thing you could ever do to a human. Never could imagine how someone could ever get to that place. Until I was faced with it. Which is why I have been kind of MIA for awhile. I feel so many emotions running in my head right now. With my husband having the lower sex drive I have felt so lonely, so unattractive, so not wanted at all. I feel loved when we have sex and miss having that with a man.
Totally with you here. Same thing with me except it was the W who was low desire for so long, then left and had a sexual affair. How nutty is that? Turns out that having low desire makes them feel inadequate, hence they look for validation somewhere else. Turns out a stale sex life is bad for your marriage. go figure!
I don't feel unattractive, but I do feel lonely, locked out of something I love. I don't just want to have sex, I want a relationship again, including sex.
Someday it will happen. For now I am standing for my marriage.
W actually told me she would LIKE IT if I were to go have an affair. She suggested it. She told me "I had my chance, maybe you should do it, too." Weird. She was totally serious. Not joking or sarcastic at all. I think she would like me to do it, to ease her guilt. To even the score. No way that makes sense to me. No way.
I think she needs to forgive herself. anyway...
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Okay...I am going to go one step further then SirPrizeMe and not only agree that your moral compass is telling you that you are off course it is screaming...
I am sorry but I can't say that flirting is good...harmless...or any of that...especially if you are reciprocating...it is one thing to receive compliments...quite another to flirt...
The danger that comes is the line everyone talks about crossing...that line moves!...that is how affairs "just happen"...if you play with fire you WILL get burned...
I am talking from a similar place...my H had become depressed and LD...yet he was the one to not only do the online thing but several years later he actually did have an affair and left me and the kids...he was gone for nearly 2 years...and now he is back...being treated for depression (finally) and we are working on a meaningful sex/love life which means compromise...
Anyway...I had started flirting...then felt attraction...fortunately my moral compass caught before I fell...
It is hard to have a depressed spouse...you can't make them go for help...but you can talk with their doctor and if they ever go in to see the doctor he can discuss it with them...that was finally how my H got help...he wouldn't believe me when I thought he was depressed but when the doctor was asking questions and he was honestly answering (all except one, because there was a time where he had suicidal thoughts)...the doctor got him to go on AD's on a trial basis...told him he might only need them a few months to get him through a rough patch...well he stopped the meds when he thought the rough patch was over and quickly realized that he needed the meds and now takes them regularly...
So I certainly have sympathy and compassion for how you are feeling...but you really need to dampen that at work EA...because if it isn't already an EA it will be soon...then the line is so much easier to move...you will read all over this board that people who had affairs were the last ones anyone would have expected...and some who had affairs felt just like you do...
Believing thanks so much for your reply. I guess you can understand how you feel having a low drive husband then he has the affair. I can't even begin to describe what this has done to my self esteem. As sick as it sounds the flirting is helping with that.
I know some more have chimed in and said they think flirting is wrong. I know in a way it is. But I do think there is a line that shouldn't be crosssed. I am going to call around to counselors also this week. I think I need to see one. I have changed so much through this ordeal. Some things I have changed are great! But there is things that have changed me for the worse. Like trust issues, low self esteem, etc.
This weekend I did do a GAL activity. I have stopped doing that for awhile. I went out till very late with a good friend of mine. Oh my word we had so much fun together. It did a lot to help my moral. Even though I was tired as heck the next day. I don't do that very often at all. I can tell why. lol
imLIN thanks for sharing your story with me and for your advice. Your situation also sounds very familiar. Maybe I can try that and talk to his doctor. I can so tell he feels like crap about himself. I admit I don;t think about him as much as I think about what I am missing these days. Then the resentment builds. I am at a point where I think maybe I just can't do this anymore. I am not getting any younger. I like to make love and this has been lacking for 10 years. Maybe you can relate but it is hard to be attracted to a low drive spouse. At first it was a challenge. Then I just wanted to work hard to change things. Honestly I spent so much time thinking about this situation for years. Now with everything else that happened I am wore down. I am putting myself first and thinking about what I need. But in the process I lost attraction to him.
Don'tget me wrong in some ways he is trying still. But it's not enough. It's not what I need right now. I have never been this confused and just messed up in the head. I hope this is just a faze I am going through.
I am sorry about the situation with your wife. Maybe it is a lot harder for women to take the low drive spouse thing when it is the man with the LD. We women we trained for years and years knowing the man is the horn dog. Men always want sex and they think about it all the time. To tell you the truth that is true to this day. EVERY man I know thinks about sex and still wants it. It don't matter if they are 2o, 40 or 50. So it feels very alone to have a LD spouse that is male. A lot harder to accept. A lot more thinking that goes into this. I believe the woman starts to wonder what the heck is wrong with her. She tries to make so many changes and when that doesn't work she starts to think if he don't want me who in the world ever would. Like maybe I have converted this male species to be the opposite to what he is supposed to be something must be wrong with me.
That is where this flirting is lifting my spirits. I am 36 and he is 26. We work with young women and women my age. HHe could be flirting with a lot of people. But he chose me. That is the reason behind some of my tears lately. I am starting to think for the first time in a long time, Hey maybe I am pretty. Maybe I am desirable.
Just wanted to clarify my own comments above on the "flirting" thing. I wanted to make it clear that I only said "acting" on it would be wrong. There's nothing wrong with some harmless flirting right now, and it may even help you realize that you're still a sexy, attractive person deserving of some attention. So long as it doesn't ESCALATE, I don't see any harm.
I too am a HD spouse who's LD (hell, NO-desire) spouse is the one who cheated, last summer. I know how it feels to have someone who rejected you for years, finally find the "passion" switch, and they flip it for someone else and not for you, who's been hurting so much. It's not that uncommon, though, from what I've learned.
In the end it is going to be your decision of course. If you decide to pursue a relationship just be sure that you take everything you've learned while going through this and do things the right way - i.e., let H know before taking things to the next level.
One thing I would recommend is that you take validation from the feelings this guy has stirred in you. You ARE pretty. You ARE desirable. Your sitch has left you doubting these things but you have now been given your proof. Take this proof and use it to boost your PMA and self-esteem. I have done the same.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Could this be a pattern? Long suffering LD spouse eventually leaves the marriage for a sexual affair. Sniffs like an esteem issue.
I could never get why people just didn't like to have sex? It feels good, it doesn't make you fat, it's a committed relationship, your spouse loves it, it helps build an emotional connection, you're not gonna make a baby, why the hell would anyone not want to make love?
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
.. why the hell would anyone not want to make love?
Sir - There are so many answers to that question that I'm not sure where to start.
Trying - my 2 cents is that if you are working at all on your M, reign it in. If you are here asking for opinions, you know that you are close to taking it too far. Take the compliments and enjoy the attention but stop reciprocating before it's too late.
If we knew the answer to that, MWD would go out of business, and all my friends over on the SSM board will have to find another way to fill their days.
