well jo, i found your thread. had to search. i don't come to this thread much these days. i really want to but it is not the place for me now and probably never will be.
your advice is good. wish i had it yesterday. i will try again. maybe next week. he really has no desire to see me or spend time with me even if it is to talk about nothing. i know we will have to sign the taxes...i could invite him then....but you know his comment, 'it has to come from me.' he really wants out or at least doesn't want to be married right now. i think you are so wise the way you handled things. i wish i was wiser earlier. i know i have to think of the worst scenerio and it is happening right before my eyes. i want to fight for this marriage but you need two people who believe it in. your story about you h coming back is much like my h's return five years ago...he started coming by and in two weeks he was back. that was his way of trying....there have been too many lies along the way and there is no point in bringing them up since h has a selected memory. if only he could see how wonderful it would be to start anew but with the knowledge we have. he is a stubborn man...definite in his decision. i can wait...but for how long.
bell is ringing...last class of the day. i will write tonight. still no notice from db about e-mail addresses. we must try again.
Your are proof that detachment is the key. You and ChrisJ, SS, and many others have made great strides by detaching from your spouses and accepting that they might come around or they might not - and thats ok too! Sure, we hope to rebuild our relationships with our SO's but if we dont, we will find someone else and they will benefit from what we've learned. I really admire you for all that you've done. I am just now getting it. Its one thing to say that you've detached but quite another to actually FEEL it and I'm finally FEELING detachment from my w and her behaviors. Its so liberating! But its taken me a long time to get there and I still have days that I backslide somewhat. But overall, I'm in a good frame of mind.
Thanks for confirming what many have been telling me (especially Chris). We cant control our SO's feelings and behaviors, we can only control our own. The sooner we get this, the sooner we can begin to heal and open the door for reconciliation or to decide to move on in confidence.
Thanks Dave for your thoughts. And welcome to that place where you can say "I am happy".
Detaching seems to be the most difficult thing for people to understand how to do, what the benefits are or realise that it is the best thing you can do for yourself. It allows you to deal with what is going on from a different place, a calm place where your emotions don't rule you. I'm glad you have reached that place.
It is liberating, I felt like the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted off my shoulders. It is also empowering because you accept the realisation that this is where you are at and nothing is going to change about that so you might as well be happy about it. Once you are accepting of the present situation, you have let go of the past and are starting to think about the future and what you want for yourself. THAT's when you can start to look objecively about the part you played in your relationship, the things you said and did that in spite of anything they said and did, were not the way you should have been treating the person you loved. Once you look at those, you change the way you deal with the person you love in the here and now. You know you love them, and you know you want to let them hear that you have returned to that person they knew when things were wonderful between you.
So the next time you speak to them, you treat them the way you know you should, the way you want to because that makes you happy with you and who you are. It is astonishing how quickly they stop being nasty and defensive. They can't react that way when you are being pleasant and kind and caring. They have no choice but to react differently. All of a sudden, communications change and it only takes one person to tip over that first domino.
It's so exciting when that happens and you realise that YOU did this because you kept your focus on yourself and how you want to change yourself and be happy. It also shows you that you always have a part in whatever happens between you, whether they are at home, or separated or even divorced. You choose the action that gives a good reaction instead of a bad one.
Here I go again, rambling on. I could talk about this for pages and pages and pages, but I am trying hard to just make my point and stop there - not very succesfully.
Keep up the PMA - it's good to start smiling again.
