Our plan was to tell our kids about our separation this weekend after my W returned from her solo road trip, then she was going to move out the following weekend. Yesterday I get a text message from her saying "I've been thinking alot about things. A lot. We need to talk when I get home." I took that as a potential positive sign. Then tonight when she called, after talking to the kids, she said to me, "I've had a few epiphonies...mainly that I am an a**hole. I think there's hope.....that is, if you can forgive me." I said that my forgiveness would not be a roadblock to moving forward. She comes home on Friday. I hope I haven't just hit a rollercoaster peak and am about to go screaming downhill at 200 MPH.
My plan....to hear her out...listen, listen, listen.....and try not to get too emotional. She's been on the MLC train since March, but officially dropped the bomb in October. Is this too soon for her to figure out what's she's done? Everyone seems to concur that MLC can be a 2-5 year process, or more. Any thoughts would be welcome as I'd like to not mess this up if it's a real opening to putting our M back together. L7
I hate to even say it but IMHO it's way too soon. She's having a moment of regret but as soon as she changes her mind and wants to stay and work on the M she will revert to "the ice man cometh". Seriously. Listen to her, validate her feelings, don't make any assumptions and just watch her carefully.
I wouldn't say it's impossible, just improbable. I'll be praying for your sake and the sake of your children that she really is seeing the light.
Take care!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
First off good for you for being cautious and not stupid about this.
From my perspective, not a professional, the confusion (changing mind) is a strong sign of a MLC, as opposed to a simple WAS, who is done and has no desire for contact or to work things out and shows no emotion and desire no contact.
As strange as it sounds I believe the MLC allows for a second chance as long as you the LBS can tough it out.
Do not hope that this is a miraculous decision on her part. A sudden and secure change of heart. Be cautious, use this opportunity.
Follow the DBing prinicpals. Remain strong and self assured. Do not be needy, do not tell her that you love her especially if she is not saying it. Work on yourself and your failings. FIND A GOOD MC, learn to communicate with each other. Do not become complacent.
Many times and many examples here show a spouse coming home and then leaving again. Caution is your watchword. Do not fall back into old habits you have an opportunity, use it. Do not squander it.
I would recommend staying here and gathering advice from those who have gone before you, rather than think this is going to be a bed of roses.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Earlier in the thread Jack asked me what I would have done differently.
You found this site, fairly early in the process, some of us came too late to apply the principles of DBing, when the spouse is fairly sane.
I had a year, of what I now see as the denial stage, the "stay of execution". What would I have done? I would have left her well alone, instead of asking for progress reports. I would have acted "as if" there was not an issue, instead of moping around, talking about the situation, and following her round like a lap dog.
In the end, I created a self fulfilling prophecy and drove her away.
Actually, I think it would have happened anyway. Not wanting to put a downer on your situation. If it is MLC, then your wife will be thinking fairly rationally at the moment, the consequences of her actions on others. Then her feelings will overpower any rational rational thought.
So I can only echo Jack's words
Quote:
Do not hope that this is a miraculous decision on her part. A sudden and secure change of heart. Be cautious, use this opportunity.
Follow the DBing prinicpals. Remain strong and self assured. Do not be needy, do not tell her that you love her especially if she is not saying it. Work on yourself and your failings.
Quote:
I would recommend staying here and gathering advice from those who have gone before you, rather than think this is going to be a bed of roses.
Here's the news........ My W came back from her road trip willing to make another attempt at keeping our M together. She had time to think...and said she realized that she had to try again to make the M work before breaking up our family. She has agreed not to see the OM as we try to put the M back together. My goal is to keep things as positive as possible and give her as much as I can without being a doormat. The little house that she rented will now be used as a writing space until we can get out of the lease or sub-lease it. I still expect alot of rollercoaster ride is still ahead as I know that giving up the OM is a huge step...and one that she'll be dealing with emotionally for a while. So, for all of us who struggle with a H or W in MLC, there can be rays of hope....I hope. L7
Nothing wrong with hope Lor. Continue doing the things you have done to get to this point. It is impossible to determine if she has the conviction to work things out or if the MLC train she is on (if she is in MLC) will pull out of the station again. Her intention is probably real about giving up the OM but that may prove to be a huge challenge for her. Try to trust her as hard as it is going to be. You have a difficult journey ahead of you in this.
Keep the faith!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I read one of your post on another thread and just wanted to drop by and introduce myself. I was almost a WAW. My name is Sandi. I hope that things will work out for you and your W. It does seem very soon after the bomb for her to come around....but we can always hope.
This is a quote from the other post and it certainly sounds like you have a MLC'er on your hands.
Quote:
The main issue, is that she's no longer sexually attracted to me, says she hasn't been for years, and can't see us ever being intimate again. I look at it as being part of her MLC -- affair, wants to get a horse, a pick-up truck, working out, losing wight, Botox....the list is long.
If this is true, and I have no doubts that it is, then you will have a long road ahead of you. The fact that she wants to come back home and try again does not automatically cause her to feel sexually attracted to you again (sorry). It does take a while to get through this MLC and it sounds as if she is wanting to do all the things she feels she missed out on somewhere along the way, plus hang onto her youth. Well, I can understand that. I spent money on every jar of youth fountain I saw advertised for almost 2 years before I realized I had to accept my age and go on.
Anyway, I am here if you ever want to talk.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Or you could wind up like me and no longer be sexually attracted to HER. Or have any kind of attraction. It is hard to be attracted to some one who has hurt you and your kids and deceived you in the process. MLC might be a mental illness but the effects that it has on real people are real and sometimes the consequences are real too. Sorry for that shot of JS brand reality on Tuesday morning. Cheers.
