Mine is a complicated story. Married 10 years, separated for 20 months after H emotional and then sexual affair with a work colleague. We have 2 boys aged 8 & 4.
We have never cut all ties, both still love each other. Although I began divorce proceedings in Sept last year. My husband instigated a reconciliation over christmas & new year but then couldn't quite seem to end it with the OW, so the 'trying again' never happened. He is still with her although he says things are cooling, don't know what to believe.
I decided to just get on with my life, he doesn't want me and you can't force someone to try again. I've been doing it for nearly two years anyway.
A lovely guy that I was seeing before Christmas has talked about dating again and I think my husband suspects this.
Husband had the kids overnight last night and his imagination must have been running away with him. He rang me 4 times on my mobile phone, twice on the landline. Sent me 3 texts on some pretext of asking something about the kids. Then I had another phone call at 11pm and another text asking me if I was having a good evening.
I didn't reply to any of it. More texts this morning wnating to know why I didn't answer his calls. What is so hilarious is that I was home on my own. I haven't told him this of course.
Why do they do this? I'm home with the kids most nights yet I aren't bombarding him with calls.
It makes me feel powerful yet also wary that he will think I'm back with my male friend and thus not interested in him anymore.
I've ordered Divorce Remedy, which i should get in the next day or two.
Simple, lou -- people (men, especially) tend to want what they don't/can't have. A little shroud of "mystery" surrounding you isn't a bad thing at all!
But he could have me and our marriage back on track (or at least attempting it) and he chooses not to.
He has a relationship with another woman and has had for many months now, so why is he not happy to just let me be? Is it a case of I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you?
He escaped our marriage and created a new life. But he doesn't always seem happy with that life. Only over the weekend he said that he has only ever been able to see a future with me never the OW! So why is he still with her?
Why not put everything back into our marriage instead of wasting time on a relationship that he can't see lasting??
I don't now. I've been confused for years. Its a way of life.
He's "cake-eating." It's script. Right now, he has two visions for his life, and he's waffling back and forth between him. I am in the minority, but I'm NOT a proponent of "let them eat cake," because I think they will eat it for just about as long as we allow them to.
I had the speech back in Sept 05 but it was an emotional affair only at that point. He moved out April 06 so coming up to two years. We sold the family home in Jan 07 and I began to rebuild my life.
He didn't start a sexual affair with her until June 07. I found out in September 07. Up until then he never said it was over (he still hasn't to be honest) and lied through his teeth until I caught him out and he finally admitted it.
I am so angry with him cause I let him back in, only for him to decide it wasn't me/family that he wanted after all.
This man has been dithering for over two years. Of course everyone around me tells me to forget him, push through with the divorce and get on with my life.
But after 19 years (10 married) and two kids it's hard to do that.
Louise, he's dithering because you've allowed him to, plain and simple. You needed to have put a timetable on it, and only you know what that is (one month? three months?), and I don't advocate even TELLING the wayward spouse what it is. Simply tell them "I want to work on our marriage, but I won't do it while you are disrespecting me by having an affair. So you need to decide. I am patient, but my patience is not without limits. I love you, and want to be married to you, but you need to end it and come back and work on our marriage. When you're prepared to do that -- and in a transparent way that that I am comfortable with -- then I'm here. But please don't overestimate my patience."
And then proceed with "GAL" and all of the other things you can do to make yourself more attractive.
DBing works -- but he'll only be open to the techniques when is brain isn't swirling with all of the looooooove chemicals that his affair is producing.
All infidels lie, Louise. That was a hard, hard pill for me to swallow, but once I started operating from that perspective, I found that I made much better decisions.
So if I give him an ultimatum (and believe me I have done this in the past) and he isn't ready to give up his affair I will just lose him. Ha! But I haven't got him anyway, she has.
He isn't a man that likes being 'told' what to do and part of me has wanted him to come to that decision on his own.
From Oct-Dec my husband asked me to try again. I refused, point black. I was seeing someone but my husband didn't know about him until the end of November. I didn't believe my husband but he was very persistent, comments when he dropped the children off, emails, texts, phone calls...it was drip, drip, drip. Christmas morning i had many texts (he was OW and her two boys) begging to try again and it was then that I listened.
But he couldn't end it with her. He tried, but he just couldn't finish it.
Even on Saturday when he brought the children home he said 'I've never said I aren't coming back, if you've moved on by then it will be my loss'.
I am so torn. Do I leave things as they are. Cut all contact as I have been doing. Or do I give him a time frame and stick to it?
So if I give him an ultimatum (and believe me I have done this in the past) and he isn't ready to give up his affair I will just lose him. Ha! But I haven't got him anyway, she has.
He isn't a man that likes being 'told' what to do and part of me has wanted him to come to that decision on his own.
From Oct-Dec my husband asked me to try again. I refused, point black. I was seeing someone but my husband didn't know about him until the end of November. I didn't believe my husband but he was very persistent, comments when he dropped the children off, emails, texts, phone calls...it was drip, drip, drip. Christmas morning i had many texts (he was OW and her two boys) begging to try again and it was then that I listened.
But he couldn't end it with her. He tried, but he just couldn't finish it.
Even on Saturday when he brought the children home he said 'I've never said I aren't coming back, if you've moved on by then it will be my loss'.
I am so torn. Do I leave things as they are. Cut all contact as I have been doing. Or do I give him a time frame and stick to it?
So if I give him an ultimatum (and believe me I have done this in the past) and he isn't ready to give up his affair I will just lose him. Ha! But I haven't got him anyway, she has.
He isn't a man that likes being 'told' what to do and part of me has wanted him to come to that decision on his own.
From Oct-Dec my husband asked me to try again. I refused, point black. I was seeing someone but my husband didn't know about him until the end of November. I didn't believe my husband but he was very persistent, comments when he dropped the children off, emails, texts, phone calls...it was drip, drip, drip. Christmas morning i had many texts (he was OW and her two boys) begging to try again and it was then that I listened.
But he couldn't end it with her. He tried, but he just couldn't finish it.
Even on Saturday when he brought the children home he said 'I've never said I aren't coming back, if you've moved on by then it will be my loss'.
I am so torn. Do I leave things as they are. Cut all contact as I have been doing. Or do I give him a time frame and stick to it?
He's a man who has indulged and coddled himself. He may not have the strength of will to leave the OW. There are also very dark forces that are binding him in his situation. These dark spirits weaken our good resolutions and make our bad ones seem attractive.
Pray for him.
He is being tested now. This is his moment. If he's man enough for you, he'll return. If not, he won't.
