I'm gone for a month, Stig comes around for a few swings, LFL is now a happy camper, Mojo is contemplating inventing a time machine so that she can try dating techniques on single Chrome, hairdog's brass balls have gotten so big the Cloverfield guys are using low-res shaky video of him walking around as promo for the movie ... what else have I missed. This place has never been boring, I can say that.
Well, I was invited to start a new thread by the indominatable Corri who never ceases to pique my interest with cryptic words (that's me nodding to Lil).
I was watching Alton Brown make stock on Good Eats the other day. In one scene he was describing how you have to skim this nasty looking stuff off the top periodically if you want your stock to turn out tasty and I thought, what a perfect way to visualize my state of being. The nastiness on top floating around is my resentment. Most days I'm just not doing a good job skimming that crap off. Somedays my hearty goodness inside just gets to bubbling and things are alright. Other days, all you can see is the floom. I'm afraid I'm not the tastiest stock on the block right now.
shrug
I just happy right now because Ubuntu sucessfully installed on the old laptop I'm considering using to do IDL/IRAF reductions on observatory photographs. Just popped in and recognized that old video/sound/internet card. If the wireless card and IDL and IRAF install smoothly, i'll be as happy as Blackfoot on an Antarctic dive.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Feeling physically ill could slightly describe it too, but WAY worse. Let's just say I've gotten myself up [censored] creek w/ pain meds & leave it at that.
Yikes! I'd say lay off the pain meds but I've been exposed to intraveinous valium once and I totally understand how people get addicted to that stuff. It was like everything was SOOOO interesting dude ... yeah. I'm sure all the EMT guys get a kick out of seeing people doped up with that stuff.
It sounds like you are not having such a happy experience though. What's up?
Quote:
What's up w/ this IUD thing and why would that affect her in such a negative way? The hormones?
Well, the story goes this way ...
(my memory) The W was having big, long periods (which oddly enough made her rather horny in-between ... go figure) which as you imagine was not the ideal state for her. Add to that now that I am on Coumadin, vasectomy is not the best option (we ... I mean mostly me ... do not want more kids). Anyway, her doctor, noticing her period problems suggests this IUD thing called Mirena (sp?). It has the added benefit of being birth control. The W likes the idea, I'm ok with it if it will make her feel better. A couple of days after she gets it in, she announces that now that it is controlling her periods, she probably won't be having those horny times anymore. Well, you can imagine I had several daydreams about trying to remove that thing with my tongue next time I went down on her. Oh wait, she doesn't like that ... dang! Since then, her periods really haven't gotten that much better, but she was right, no more horniness. Sheesh!
(her memory) I pester and pester her for SEX SEX SEX, and refuse to get a vasectomy so she has to sacrifice her comfort and get this implant that only makes her think about how she wants another baby. Yes, she was having period problems, but they were getting better right up until the Mirena was put in.
OK ... OK ... I exaggerate a bit. But the truth isn't that far. (dang that floom looks nasty).
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrome, dude, I have *really* been missing you around these parts. Stick around, eh?
I'll try. Like I said, sickness has gotten me behind on a few things. I've got some grading I was supposed to do LAST semester. ROFL Anyway, thanks for the welcome.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
My advice re: the scum of resentment. I had great success removing the scum by instituting the Sexual Moratorium described in Breaking Free Exercise #39, in the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book.
Suddenly, I wasn't getting any sex, but it was ME who was in charge of the fact that I wasn't getting any sex. Every time I felt horny, (and would, under normal circumstances, either initiate and get rejected and get resentful, or not initiate and get resentful), I would tell myself, "don't initiate...you put the SM in place, and you have to honor it." Worked like a charm.
Do it for at least three months. Tell your W what you are doing.
Just be aware that this may either reveal the tasty broth under the scum, or something much less palatable.
Suddenly, I wasn't getting any sex, but it was ME who was in charge of the fact that I wasn't getting any sex. Every time I felt horny, (and would, under normal circumstances, either initiate and get rejected and get resentful, or not initiate and get resentful), I would tell myself, "don't initiate...you put the SM in place, and you have to honor it." Worked like a charm.
I agree. This is pretty much exactly what I accomplished with my "no hugs" moratorium. The reason why I found BF's advice to me most helpful, although frustratingly cryptic at times, was that he was clued in to the fact that I was actually a bit more unhappy with the lack of affection in my relationship than the lack of sex. You might have actually been more unhappy with the lack of respect than the lack of sex. IMO, when you address the issue you have been denying in your relationship (whatever you were lying to yourself about when you said "My marriage is great except for the sex." when you first came to the BB") resolving the sexual issue one way or the other is relatively easy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Chrome, I'm kind of in a limbo state right now myself. I've been taking time to figure myself out (and still not all the way there). One thing I did discover was the the oxytocin buzz from sex was clouding my feelings, so I've kind of stopped initiating and pretty much lost all the resentment. Sure, I miss the sex, but it is giving me a better opportunity to observe my R, MrsGGB and myself from a more detached viewpoint. What concerns me is I am not really liking what I am seeing, and I now can separate what is me and what isn't. The things I don't like in me I can work on (they are also the hardest things to see). The things I don't like in the state of the R, well I can only do my part, and the things I don't like about MrsGGB I can't change. Recognizing I can't change her and seeing her as she is rather than as I projected is enlightening. Now it is up to me as to how I react to how she is, but the one thing I've learned is that she is "other" and not mine to control, direct or mold. Unfortunately, that has pushed our R into more or less a roommate status for now. One thing I need to work on is telling her where I am and what is going through my mind. It's been hard to get her attention much though, and I've been a bit chicken-sh!t about bringing up any R talk in the few minutes a week when I do get her attention. She's been doing quilts and other stuff in the evenings and won't take a break from it to do anything with me, then she comes to bed as I am about to pass out. I think that 15 hours a week quality time together the R experts say is minimum has been more like 15 minutes a week here in the GGB household. Part of it is the kids, but I think a large part of it too is avoidance on her part.
As to everything else, well that is stressful too. Work hasn't been going particularly well...several fixed price contracts have mushroomed into black holes that are sucking up all my time and then some, the kids are sniping at each other, and being very passive-aggressive about their chores. MrsGGB is shreiking at the kids and using rather nasty tones with them when she isn't yelling. All of it makes me want to pack my bags. Thinking about how much worse it would be for the kids if I wasn't here though is a major deterrent. Oh, on top of that all, my computer took a dump two weeks ago and while I've finally recovered my data with the exception of the last month worth of incoming email and incoming email attachments from the past 5 years, the NTFS file system keeps setting the dirty bit causing chkdsk to run when it boots up.
On the bright side, I'm not really feeling down--just detached-- and I've gotten myself into terrific shape by hitting the gym 3x a week and watching what I'm eating. My next main goal is to work with the kids and try to undo the disfunctional atmosphere we go going on here. Not exactly sure where to start on that other than to try to step in when MrsGGB starts going off.
No to hijack Chrome's thread (btw, welcome back Chrome), but I want to respond to one item in your post.
Our kids (7&4) have entered the full-fledged constant sniping and arguing stage. Over the past 6-12 months I have noticed both my wife and I going regularly to Defcon 1 over things that, objectively speaking, were not worthy. Over the past couple months I have become concerned that we are achieving the opposite of what we were trying to and that the yelling was putting my S7 into constant walking on eggshells with both of us, but especially my W (just like his father, but that is another story). I found a book that recently came out called "Scream-Free Parenting" and the first few chapters have been very revealing. I am going to try to finish it this weekend, but it has already helped me and I thought you might want to check it out.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
